Winners

New day. New start. New memories.
New Year. 

I keep dreaming of the picture perfect year.  A year full of sincere Hallmark sayings.  Sunsets as bright as a Georgia O'Keefe painting.  Feeling  the depth of love like it was painted by Klimpt.  Visuals so dramatic that I am almost teary from the radiance.
Technicolor moments.
Tingles up and down my spine from just being alive.
Music sung straight to my soul so clear that the words resonate through me.  Words that are beautiful, mystic and brave.
Moments that continue into eternity.  Happiness and gratitude tattooed into me with ink that only I can see.

 A manta that I can live by. New Years eve. It holds within it all of your dreams and desires.

Alas, those dreams are for the big screen.
 Real life moments often blur into my dream of perfection. Reality is a tough nut to swallow.  Especially when its only the beginning of the New Year.  A brutal kick in the ass that reminds us that the technicolor sunsets may just have to wait until tomorrow. I am able to close my eyes and regain those moments.  They are real to me.  Even touchable as I sink into my moments of clarity.

Happiness is within me.
 I cannot reach to the heavens to achieve.  All will follow if the importance stays deep within my heart. I just have to remember.

Last year we were privileged to be at and involved in a Special Olympic basketball game.  It was Natie's first year playing.  I must say, I felt like Jordan's mom that day.  He looked like a superstar in those flaming converse.  If you keep only one set of memories from 2011 they should include this one.

The teams were on the court. Dressed to the nine's.  Smiles from ear to ear.  This was their moment to shine. This was their New Years eve.

The gym at Brother Rice high school was  full of laughter and immense pride.

Our team is down by one basket with only minutes left.  A young girl (from the opposing team) finally gets a hold of the ball. She is determined. No one will touch that orange sphere but her. For the next 30 seconds it is hers. She begins to dribble.  Her smile becomes blinding.  She is giggling with abundance and we all can taste it. There is not a soul ahead of her.  She is Jordan. This is all hers.

Someone yells out that she is going the wrong way. The teams are all waiting for her on the opposite end of the court. She hears them but she does not care.  She is Jordan.

She was in rare form and the basket was made.  The crowd erupts in excitement.  She was on fire. Her pride radiates the entire court.  (It was funny how no one got mad that she scored for our team.)  The coaches were so proud of her. No one was yelling.  No teammate even noticed.  She tied the score. She was the MVP.  The hero of the game. We were all winners thanks to her.

We were all winners.

Every child that day played their hearts out. Some could barely walk.  But they gave it their all. No one judged.  No one can even remember the score.

We were all winners.

Happy New Year.

Just dance, damnit.

Gene Siskal I am not.

 But I do enjoy a good movie.  I am the nut that sings along and even chair dances if the time is right. I am usually the first one tearing up and the last one to leave. I love going to the cinema.  Its one of my mini 'vacations'.  Two solid hours with no interruption. Greasy popcorn and stale licorice fill my void.  I can go alone.  A mystery that kills my children and even some of my friends.  My kids feel sorry for me.  My friends think I look like a weirdo.  Maybe it takes years of self confidence to not care. Or maybe I am just a rebel-hahah.  I would rather go alone than share my popcorn any day.

I had the pleasure to see 'New Years Eve' with my newly 18 year old daughter.  It has become a birthday tradition to see a show together on her big day.  We have enjoyed the hours and also trudged  though some. Memories of the worst movies of all time  have been instilled in our minds.  From the absolute worst, Pinocchio.  To a various array of Adam Sandler, trying to be remotely  funny.

'New Years Eve' started with a bang. At least 30 big celebs brightened the screen.  A young heart throb, Zack Efron was in rare form as my daughter spontaneously erupted.  Yowza.  They didn't make boys like that when I was her age. Inappropriate to swoon over such a youngen?  I will keep my newly, probably jail bate crush to myself. Confessing such a thing just might make my daughter vomit then commit me.

Sometimes it takes the entire 2 hours to get the point.  Fluffy, good looking, great voices and even a bit of chair dancing on my part.  Finally the last 5 minutes were before us. I was about to bid a fond farewell to a few of my new pretend boyfriends (Fergie's hubby-holy guacamole).  Bam. I got it.  I heard you.  Message delivered.

'New Years Eve'.  Yes Virginia it really is just another night. 
But there is truly a vibe  in the air.  A thickness to the ozone  that creeps into even the largest sinic. A chance for a fresh start.  A new beginning full of great hope.  A chance to do better.  To get it right. Open a closed door. A fresh opportunity to make your wishes a reality.  A single moment in time that is felt all around the world. A new day awaits. A new time.  A new year.

Leave yesterday where it belongs.  Behind you.
You just can't go back.
Take a chance for a better, bigger and brighter tomorrow. (throw in a little glitter if you choose.)
Shit will always get in the way. 
Bills will always accumulate.  Hard times will strike us all. Accidents will happen. Someone will get sick and a loved one will pass. We have no control. That's life.

I still believe.

You can choose the life that's worth living. A life full of singing, as if you know the words.  Dancing like you are Michael Jackson. Open up your heart to let in great love.  Laugh at yourself and learn from life's bumps.

Take the New Year on with great gusto. Give away more than you think you have. Smile to brighten the lonely. Embrace the challenge to make a difference.  Cuz at the very end, don't we all just want one more chance to get it right?

One more New Years eve.

I better start practicing my moves. 

 I'm going to go dancing.

 Maybe with a little glitter on the side.

Laughter

I know Nate came into our lives for a reason.  The obvious reasons are for love, gratitude, acceptance and loyalty.  He teaches us enormous life lessons daily.  He reminds us about what is important and what to focus on.  On some days he comes to us with such comedic skill that even the darkest days get brighter in a flash.

The other night I had the extreme pleasure of  taking all 5 of my children out for dinner.  Various ages (9,11,14.16.17)  have made that task an almost impossible feat.  But there we were sitting at at restaurant, together!  During these moments of amazement I try to slip in some motherly wisdom.  Hoping that they don't realize that its actually a pop quiz.  I take the opportunity to discuss high school dances.  The girl asks the boy kind.   I ask my teenage sons what they would say if a girl they did not want to go to the dance with asked them.  My Middle child responded first.  "I would say I have to think about it."   Okay, I was hoping for a "sure I will go". Reminding them of the courage it takes for a girl to even ask.  I suppose the Internet and such has built a safety net . Most of the fear is gone.  But the message must still be taught. My oldest son began to giggle.  Lord knows what he would say to that poor little frightened girl that just asked him to a dance, shaking in her boots. I'm trying here.

They seem to ponder the question. I want  them to focus on the heart and feelings of the young girl.  Come on boys.  Suck it up.  Say yes, have a good time. Dance.   The role will be reversed soon.  You may be the rejected one.  Ever think of that??

"She likes you.  Just as friends.  She just asked you to her dance."  What do you say? (Us women get this .  The hours spent talking with your friends, rehearsing how you would ask.  What you would say.  Ugh~ the memories are haunting)  There is  no room for rejection here. The entire class knows who you are asking. You're entire reputation rides on this answer.  My son holds the key to your self esteem.)   Maybe a tad melodramatic, but you get the point.

My children  sit in silence.  Looking at each other to see who will reply next.  They know what I want to hear.  But to be self thinkers is what I have taught. Tell me the truth. Be kind, be thoughtful.


Nate raises his hand. Looks around the table with a smirk from ear to ear.  He replies with a strong monotone response..  "I would tell her to shut up!"

Yowza.  Lesson not learned.

A good laugh was had.  Even shared with tables close by.  Breaking the tension is what Nate is good at.  I just hope and pray that they heard a little bit of my lecture.

After all it really is only a dance.

My night with Anthony

It really is getting crowded in here.  The voices are all starting to talk  at once. Mental illness?  Or maybe just the fantasy world I choose to live in!

I have no idea what first attracted me to Anthony Bourdain.  I must have been searching the tube when this tall, handsome man came across the airwaves.  Anthony (or as I like to refer to him as Tony)  is a chef.  A hard core culinary icon.  A drinker, thumb ring wearing, skinny, gray haired,  hard smoking, earring wearing, bad ass. He can swear with the best of them. He shuns society in his arrogant bravado. It was love at first sight. A real rebel. Right on the travel channel.

A friend had informed me that my dream man was coming to Chicago.  A one man show at the Chicago Theater. As the powers that be, a friend actually scored me 2 tickets.  Now the fear set in. What to wear.  I had plans  to  have dinner with Tony after the show.  How? Was not an option. I had mentioned this to every one in my path.  I was to meet Tony and be whisked away.  Joining him on a trip to Thailand to eat scrumptious cockroach eyeballs. (Gotta watch the show to understand that.)

I  met with one disturbing non-believer the day before my big event.  Not only did my friend not believe that I was going to see Anthony.  But he questioned "why would Anthony want to meet me"....?   Hmmmmm, game on.

Nine years ago when Nate entered this world, he was met with every negative known to mankind. The non believers where everywhere. Some thought  'he would not talk'. Some said 'he may not walk'.  The list is actually longer than Santa's wish log. Nathaniel taught me early on that setting the bar higher and higher is the only option. If it is reachable then it is possible. I can.  I will. Watch me.

Why wouldn't Anthony want to meet me?  I am a wonderful , giving, thoughtful, fun, adorable, intelligent, passionate, (a tad crazy) adorable mom of 5.  But most of all I am a person. Just like Tony. I may not be on television (soon though), or have written a book (Hello- I am a blog writer!).  But I am me. Someone worth knowing. At least I think so.

The one man show was okay.  Although my friend and I had no idea what he was actually talking about.  All I could think about was our meeting. Would he immediately want to be my friend?  Would he want  me to be on an episode?  Possibly run away with him and leave my hubby and 5 kids??  (really Hol, back to reality)
The one man show was over.  Time to make my move. (The voice was ringing loud in my ear. "Why would he want to meet you?")

It was raining (just like in the movies).  We went to the back Alley. Knocked on all  the doors. (did we think he would answer?)  A compassionate limo driver pointed  to the correct door to enter.  We were instantly  met by Bubba, the 300 lb security guard. For a moment I actually forgot that I was the middle aged mom of 5 children. I became a rock star (or at least a groupie).  My charm payed off and we were so close to my dream.  After a little smooth talking (fine, begging) we were escorted to Anthony's private party. Game on!

Holy Shit- There he was. My tall drink of water.  Right there. Waiting for me.  (Dan who?)  I was inside. The non believers are gonna kiss my tush.  Tony was surrounded by 'foodies'.  They were engaged by his stories. It was a intimate group of young and old.

Enter Holly.

I decided to bust the group up. Walk right in the circle like we were playing school yard  'break the chain'. "Hi Anthony, I'm Holly!"  He was mesmerized.  All truths. His face lit up like a Hanukkah bush.  He was all mine. (although my daughter thinks his expression was more a look of fear than true love.)  We chatted for awhile.  I am unsure if anything came out intelligible.

What made me think that running behind Anthony giving him bunny ears was a good idea?   I realized that I can do and go wherever I want.  Unfortunately, I left my mature self at home. I became a teenager. Laughing and giggling the entire night. The mere fact that I was there seemed to out weigh what I was there for. I did it.  Next the Rolling Stones.

Living in my crazy HollyWorld is an exciting  place to be. Anthony still calls.  Yet I never seem to be here when he does. I get subliminal messages through his show as he looks into the camera.  Its a perfect relationship.

Don't doubt me.
 Believe.
 Nothing is unreachable if you want it bad enough. Nate has taught me that. I am who I am and therefore worth knowing. No celebrity will intimidate me. I am a warrior mom.  One who is constantly setting the bar higher and higher.  Not only for Nate but for myself as well.

Anthony will be back. I am sure he remembers me. Why wouldn't he?

This little Jewish girl

"It's kinda fashionable to bring someone Jewish to a holiday party." "Maybe we could rent one"!

That just might be the funniest quote from a client, ever.  I laughed for hours. But then I stopped.

What if he wasn't kidding?

 We have become  a Nation so politically correct. Or at least most of us try.  The Jew jokes can be funny.  I suppose growing up in a predominantly Catholic neighborhood has taught me to have a bit thicker skin than most. Like most jokes, it depends on how it is said and by whom.  Lets not fool ourselves.  Words can hurt.  They cut very deep. They cannot be washed off or forgotten. They stay with you forever. A tattooed memory that at times pops up and tries to destroy your self worth. 

It took me a long time to accept that I am who I am.  Jewish or not. Purple, pink and some times full of glitter.  I cannot change my spots.  I don't want to change my thoughts. I am for the most part pretty happy living in my own, crazy, saggy, overly spray tanned skin.

Accept me for who I am.  Listen to my words if you want. But if you don't, no problem.  Just  leave me the heck alone.

  I was born as a German, Russian, Jewish ,green eyed girl.  That's my place. The card that I was dealt. What I chose to do with that was my choice. I could change my clothing.  Go from purple hair to blond in an hour. Be loud or meek. That is up to me. .But, I will always be, a Jewish, German and Russian, green eyed girl.
 I cannot say that living in a Catholic community as one of the  few Jews is easy.  I crave a good bagel once in awhile and my neighborhood's corned beef is no where near what I desire. But I like being different. I am defiantly not cut from the average cookie cutter. Being different can be a challenge. But its also a blessing in disguise.

Down Syndrome and Jewish.  Oh Lord.

Being Nate is like a medal of honor. He is a local super star. The mayor of Beverly. No Down Syndrome cookie cutter can be applied to any of our special children. They are as unique as each and every fallen snowflake.

The jokes are just not funny. No matter who says them.  Down Syndrome jokes are just plain ignorant. Jokes using the "R" word are disturbing.  I may not be able to change every ones opinion on whats politically correct or funny.  But if you think using the "R" word is humorous, then I can assure you , I have no place in my world for you.

Since when was calling someone a "retard" acceptable. My comments will be brief on this.. I have very little patience for ignorance.  I will not begin to tell you how many times in a day I hear a child (NOT MINE) or an adult refer to something or someone as retarded.  Jennifer Aniston on a talk show referred to her way of dressing as "retarded".  The list goes on and on.

Please take a minute to educate yourself.  Ban the "R" word.  Then remind your children, parents, friends and neighbors that it is just not acceptable.  Nathaniel HAS special needs.  But he is blue eyed, beautiful, talented, funny as hell , little boy!

Phew- got this one out of the way.

Be my guest with the Jewish jokes.  I can  handle them.

You have been forewarned in regards to the "R" jokes.  All bets are off on this one. This little South side Jewish girl is gonna' finish decking the hell out of her halls....But then she's gonna kick your ass.

Words hurt.

Just saying.

True Beauty

I have done many things in my life.  Taken many roads.  Turned the wrong way.  But somehow landed right here.

I began as a hairdresser.
 I worked in various salons.  Moved on to become manager. Then in my early 20's I landed a position with a leading hair color company.  I traveled the country . I stood on top of a huge stage and professed that I was a 'color specialist' and the audience should listen to me.
  I met amazing people. Stayed up too late  partying with the best. Ate at the finest restaurants. Always wore the latest fashions.  My company actually gave us money to buy all gray clothes. (Black was just so 'yesterday'!) I thought that the beauty business was the 'end all~ be all'.

My oldest daughter was 'discovered' by a friend of mine.
Lindsey did her first commercial at age 9. We had the bug.  The kind of ugly modeling virus.
Several of my children modeled for years. We have many toy boxes, magazine ads and news papers to show off to their own children someday. I too caught the bug.  After watching the photographers create their beauty I watched until I 'got it'.

Luke on the toy box!

I began a small photography business. I shot mostly children and teens. Now I was the judge of what was beautiful.   My photographs were used as  their composite cards for their agency.  Soon I was being asked to do family Christmas cards and I decided to back way out of that field.

I never left the beauty business. 
I have been working behind a chair for 30 years now.
 Can you imagine the stories I have heard? 
In time I will write about those. No worries,  I promise to keep names out .


Enter Nathaniel.

Can you imagine just having a baby and every word out of every ones mouth is  negative.
Every Doctor and nurse painted the picture of gloom ahead.
 It is daunting to just think about it.
The books we read were about the worst. About the deaths.  The illnesses. 
The can-nots and will- nots.
We shook in fear when anyone opened their mouth. Afraid of the ugliness that they were about to spew. 
He was not their idea of perfection.
Not their idea of beautiful.

But he was my beautiful.
He was my perfection.

 I would just look at Nate. I could only see a perfectly round, blue eyed, handsome little boy. 
Hmmm, maybe they were wrong.
Who said they were right?
Who made them the judge and jury of what is beautiful?
Perfect?
Worthy?
Who gave them that right?

I decided early on to throw the books away. 
To keep any one with a negative thought out of my life.
 Focus.
 I began to wonder about beauty.
 I was in the business for so long.
Was it really about height?  Great skin and long flowing hair?  Or could I really have it all wrong? 


Reality check.

Think about what is beautiful to you?

We all know that amazing looking Barbie doll.  Gorgeous at every angle.  Until she opens her mouth.  One that is filled with negativity and bile.

Her beauty diminishes in an instant.

We all know that beauty comes from within. Its a deep connection to the universe that makes you glow.
 A feeling of radiance that your beauty is infectious.
 Real beauty cannot be applied.
Years of teaching  people how to achieve great beauty.
 Years of watching card board perfection's  rejected by an agency has brought me right here.

Exactly where I should be.

 

Down Syndrome children are one of the most beautiful children in the world.

They may have an extra 21st  chromosome.
Maybe an imperfection here or there.

 But not in their hearts.

Nathaniel does not care what you look like.
 He could care less what you are wearing or if your hair is styled.
Nate never notices . 
But what he does notice is your light.
He notices that you said hello.
That you took the time to talk with him and share a giggle.
 That you shook  his hand and looked into his eyes.
He knows pure kindness. He will never ask your religion or your weight.
He does not care if you are black or white. 
He does not judge.


If I only knew then what I know now.
Nate is true beauty.

A moment at Borders

It was a year ago that Nate and I along with his older brother took a visit to our local Borders. Those were the days that Nathaniel said hello to EVERYONE. A simple trip anywhere would last hours as Nate was determined that even the shyest of new friends would say hello. I began to believe that a hello should always be met with another.  'You honestly believe that you are going to ignore me?' was probably on Nate's mind. 

So, like every other day Nate managed to say hello (usually followed by 'I'm Nate' and 'whats your name?')  to every single person that crossed his path. As we entered the  Border's elevator we were greeted by 2 ladies. A  bit of chit chat ensued between Nate and the women and then we were on our way. We hit the check out line shortly after. The 2 ladies from the elevator were right in front of us.   Nate now believes (and rightfully so) that these 2 women are his friends. He takes one lady by the hand and walks her to the next available cashier. He asks her what her name is. (although she told him already he will ask 300 times before he is satisfied)  He comes back in line and offers me an "I love you mom"....and the rest of the line begins to chime in.  "Where do you go to school?" a women asked. As quick as you can say hello the line of strangers were talking amongst each other.


The women from the elevator that Nate walked hand in hand to the register with came walking back to me. She spoke softly and directly into my eyes and said. "That boy is going to change the world."


A stream of tears began to trickle down my cheek.


Without a moments hesitation I replied "I know, He already has."


I looked back to see all shapes and sizes, all ages and colors talking together in line. It all started with a simple 'hello I'm Nate'.


That day changed my life.

I Believe.