Awakening!

I have decided to get back to writing. Why? 

Maybe because my life has been consumed with carrying Nate’s bags,

 having surgery after surgery,

 watching my kids fly and soar out of my home, 

spending more money than I make and finding myself 

sometimes in a pot of depression, this is an outlet that I have always enjoyed.

If I can get one person to laugh or maybe have an 'aha' moment, I will be winning. 

You see we only tell people the stories that we want them to hear.

 We only post pictures of events that we want people to see.

 The facts are we all have stories that we don’t want read out loud.

 We have secrets.

 We have darkness and we definitely all have holes . 

One of my favorite quotes is 'even broken crayons can color beautifully.'

 I say that to myself on the Daily.

 As my editor knows, I am full of clichés and I absolutely love them. 

When I was writing my book, she said Holly you cannot fill this entire book with cliches

 and I said why the hell not?

 Every word has already been written, every song has already been sung…

 But I suppose that’s not true. 

There’s always a different angle, another way to see something.

 Another way to feel.

So far, 2024 has been the best year yet. 

Hysterical that it literally just started.

I don’t feel like talking about my age because I believe it’s only a number.

Facts are I am not thrilled with my upcoming new number,.

Hey, but on he flipside.

I'm here to complain about it.

. 

I will tell you it has taken me a very long time to find my voice.

  I hope you have found yours.

Because once you do, your life will forever be changed.

What I mean by that is, I have allowed people to walk all over me, speak badly of me,

take from me, take from me again and even go so far as to steal from me.

 

You know what I would say back in the day?

Would you like some more?

Kindness? Stupidity? Naivety?

Check, check, check.

And then one day it hit me.

I can say no.

I can say no.

That was one of the best days of my life. Because it hit me. 

I can say no.

I can literally say no. 

Might have been the best day of my life. (Outside of having my kids:)

We always read about circles, and who we keep inside our very own circle.

We are told to keep our circles small.

I'd like to think mine is a square,

To most people,

I have a gigantic circle,

I do, 

Yet, now its filled carefully.

I methodically relook at what they bring to MY life. 

I know what I bring.

I know my worth, so lets see yours.

I have shed from the top. 

The middle and the bottom feeders.

I see you now.

Damn that took awhile.

Now my square is made up of magical incredible people.

 I know when I’m not in the room that they will have my back. 

They are rooting for me, 

They lift me without judgment.
In the short few weeks of the New Year I have once again had the rug pulled out from beneath me. 

Before I might have cried or sat on the sofa in my pity party of one.

 But this time I used it as power.

 Power to never let anyone do that to me again. 

You see, I know who I am.

 

 I know I’m loud.

 I know I am full of Moxie.

 I was once told that I take up more space than most people.

 Might that be a compliment probably not.

The best part of growing up? 

You don’t care. 

Of course I care about people’s feelings and I don’t wanna hurt anyone on purpose. 

But I will no longer take the sword.

I will no longer let you take up one more minute one more penny or one more bit of advice. 

I am in charge of my own square and I am in charge of designing it my way.

So can you, delete, ignore, block, its truly a gift that keeps on giving.

I have never felt so free.

I have let people go.

 Even family. 

Deleted completely out of my life.
It’s OK.

 It’s all OK. 

If you don’t protect yourself who will? 

If you don’t protect your heart who will?

Of course I’ve been disrespected… I see you, I hear you.

 Don’t think it goes unnoticed.

Difference is, its a reflection of you.

I do not care.

FREEDOM!

 

We all are allowed to keep a journal right inside our brain.

Today the sun is out and it’s beautiful. I can hear the birds chirping and I feel alive again.
God only gives us this one chance.

I’ve already wasted several decades.

This time around with whatever I have left, family first.

It always has been that way.

 My five kids are my lifeline.
I’m gonna knock the socks off of 21 pineapples to leave that legacy for Nate and my other children.

I’m gonna embrace my friendships and let them know that I love them every single day.

And I am going to say 'no' more.

Because right now there is nothing more than I love than laying in my bed,

 with my bag of popcorn and watching Bravo.

I pray that you too find this peace. 

It’s a gift that I gave myself that I didn’t know I needed.

We always read about our circles and who we keep inside our circle. 

We are taught to keep ocles smTo most I have a gigantic circdo.It’s filled with miraculous people from all over the world.But my true circle my small circle

Glitter on the Side: COVID------WHAT????

Glitter on the Side: COVID------WHAT????:  Covid crap. Among many other things. It's been awhile since I sat here clicking away. Not sure why, nothing to say is definitely not it...

COVID------WHAT????

 Covid crap.

Among many other things.

It's been awhile since I sat here clicking away. Not sure why, nothing to say is definitely not it..

1. Covid what?

2. Election

3. Losing friends due to the election.

4. Living in Chicago.

5. Keeping it real.....and simple.

6. Falling deeper.

7. Getting myself back up.

8. Baby steps.

9. One day at a time.

10. Friends getting sick.

11. Friends and family dying.

12. PTSD..major.

13. Who the fuck am I ??

14. AND clearly how do I find myself again?

15. OH, and raising and worrying about 5 incredible kids.

For all my beginning writers or wanna be writers, start like this. Trust me its therapy. 

Very cathartic.

Freeing yourself of what binds you is great medicine.

Seeing what you mean, written out is also a pretty good eye opener.

So, lets begin.

March.....It started as a celebration. A lil trip to Vegas with one of my oldest and dearest friends named Stacey.

 Wow have we gotten old. 

What was once nights at the CLUB and dancing the night away quickly turned into full, fun and fabulous days, and me begging for my bed by 9pm.

My family gifted me a massage for my Vegas birthday weekend.  It was tres lovely...I asked my 20 something masseuse if things were busy this time of year. She mentioned that there was a virus going around and people were cancelling. Therefore I believe she gifted me 10 extra minutes, SCORE!

Days at the pool, inches from your lounge chair neighbor. Of course I made friends with all of them. Especially a young couple from New Jersey. We even became Facebook friends. I'm quite sure she has blocked me by now.

I lost some money.

 I ate too much and I went to bed early. 

A perfect trip was had by all.

Returning home, everything appeared NORMAL.

Until it wasn't.

Where were you when you heard about the attack on 9/11? 

Or when John Kennedy Jr. died with his beautiful bride in that small airplane?

Its going down like that.

News.

Constant news.

Fear.

More fear.

And if possible even more fear.

You cannot live a good life with fear guiding you. But how in the hell are we supposed to jump off of this moving nightmare of a train?

Masks. 

Thank you to my lovely friend Joann who gifted me many.

Hand sanitizer.

 I'm sure all of our hands are as raw as a rare t-bone.

Hoarding toilet paper? 

Well, that certainly showed the crazies we live amongst.

No I did not hoard. 

One sheet per kid. 

PERIOD.

Wait a minute.

Somewhere in the beginning as I was stoned out of my mind with fear, I was talked into getting my son a puppy.

 Don't ask.

 She's still here. 

I kinda love her.

STELLA.

 

 I started to witness the true crazy in friends and family. Those that chose to live in constant fear.

I cannot do that. 

Maybe I attacked Lt. Dan for leaving his outside shoes on in the beginning.

But here is how I see it.

I was given a death sentence 6 years ago.

I fought my way outta hell a few times.

I bargained with God and I prayed till my knees bled.

I cannot and will not succumb to living another day in panic mode.

Been there.

Its ugly.

I mask.

I sanitize and I still pray.

But I'm living.

I choose life.

OK if that doesn't make any sense talk to me privately:)

Live today like there is no tomorrow. 

Eat that damn cake and don't complain.

I have lost a few friends.

I suppose it was time for them to go.

See ya.

Bye. 

Truth..it stung for a bit. 

Until I woke up and realized that real friends don't hurt you.

DUH.

Room for new ones.

Always a seat left on my crazy train. 

So, there you have it.

I'm lost and then I am found. 

HUH?

We all struggle.

We all fall.

I hope the majority get back up.

Is it Gods plan or our own?

I'm not sure anymore.

I know that I have choices.

To sink or to swim.

To rejoice or to complain.

I promise you this.

100%

Become Stewart Smalley and your entire life will change.

Repeat after me.

Daily..

I am worthy.

I am enough.

I am awesome.

I am capable.

I am good.

I am more than good.

I have a plan. If you don't, make one.

I can say no.

I can sleep in.

I am the master of my own destiny.

I am amazing.

Keep it up. 

Don't stop.

Rewrite tomorrow if you have too.

I am happy to lend you my hand if you need.

Just don't give up on me.

We got this.

A friend was just recently diagnosed with Cancer.

FUCK you cancer. NO MORE.

I'm done with you and all that binds me.

She will be fine because I said so.

I am looking forward to tomorrow. 

I need more sleep.

I have the control.

My own story.

 I am my own actress.

Write out your screenplay as you wish.

It's yours to write and to live.

So go,

Bold and free.

Hands up high and sing your heart out.

Take time to care about yourself. 

Rewrite what is wrong.

Say bye to that negative energy.

Aren't we lucky that we have that choice?

I'm back baby.

Accept the compliments and freely gift them onto someone else.

Better and more fierce than ever. 

OK, maybe I have a  mask on and some people dislike me because my husband was a cop. BUT...

ALL IS GOOD IN HOLLY'S WORLD.

Covid has gifted me so much.

I have learned to take a hit.

To forgive.

To really let it go.

To accept that It is what It is.

To never look back.

To celebrate every ounce of every new day.

 Yesterday in a moment full of tears my friend told me how proud she was of me. That she loved the way I have raised my kids. 

That she thought I was amazing.

That I was unstoppable...wildly UN-apologetic. Strong, fierce, loving, nurturing, funny, brave and true!

The old Holly? 

"no, no no..."

Today's Holly?

"Hell yes."

I accept.

I am that person.

I am me.

I am Holly.

Quick question?

Who are YOU?