Love, not just the word.

 My Brain Has No Off Switch, My Heart Has No Filter, and Apparently I Have Some Explaining to Do

I’ve been wrestling with something lately, and I’m finally going to put it out there. Some people will understand. Others will probably decide I’ve officially lost my mind. And honestly, that ship may have sailed years ago. 😂

People often think they have me figured out. But the truth is, I’m a whole lot more complicated than what you see on the surface. There’s a side of me that very few people truly understand, and sometimes I don’t even understand it myself.

My brain NEVER shuts off.

I’m talking 24 hours a day, seven days a week. No commercial breaks. No intermission. Not even a lousy bathroom break.

Some of the heaviest-hitting medications known to mankind can’t convince this brain of mine to go to sleep. Apparently, my thoughts have unionized and refuse to clock out.

And I hate it.

I analyze everything. I replay conversations. I revisit the past, worry about the future, and occasionally create seventeen scenarios that haven’t even happened yet. I can turn one tiny thought into a full-blown documentary, complete with commentary, bonus footage, and a sequel nobody asked for.

And lately, some of those thoughts have gotten heavy. Really heavy.

I think about dying. A lot.

There. I said it.

Maybe it’s because I lost my dad when he was the same age I am now. Maybe it’s because cancer has touched my life so many times that the word itself feels like a shadow following me around.

Or maybe it’s because I love my children so fiercely that the thought of missing even one moment of their lives absolutely terrifies me.

Especially Nate.

And of course, my other four. Before somebody starts keeping score, relax. I have enough love and anxiety to go around for everybody.

But somewhere in the middle of all this overthinking, fear, and emotional chaos, my brain has become completely consumed with something else.

LOVE.

Not romantic love. Not the kind you see in movies where somebody runs through an airport and security apparently takes the day off.

I’m talking about a love so pure, so unexpected, and so overwhelming that I genuinely don’t know what to do with it.

Recently, two people came into our lives.

And somehow, without asking permission, without years of history, without any grand announcement, they found their way into a very deep place in my heart.

I love these two people.

There. Another confession.

And before anyone gets weird, no, I’m not a fan girl. I’m not trying to become somebody’s new best friend by force. And I certainly don’t want anyone checking their bushes for me. Good Lord, I have enough going on without adding a restraining order to my résumé.

But here’s what I can’t seem to explain.

It’s the way they look at my son.

I’ve seen people be kind to Nate. I’ve seen people enjoy him, appreciate him, and show him affection.

But this is different.

When I look into their eyes, I see something I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed quite this way before.

I see love.

Real love.

Not pity. Not obligation. Not a performance for the world to see.

I see two people who seem to recognize something in Nate that I have always known was there.

A little piece of heaven.

An innocence and purity that this world has a funny way of trying to steal from people.

And somehow, these two people see it. They don’t just see Nate. They seem to feel him. His spirit. His goodness. His light.

Maybe they see him as the angel from heaven I’ve always believed him to be.

And maybe being around that kind of purity gives them something the rest of this crazy world can’t.

Whatever it is, I see it.

And it moves me in ways I can’t even begin to describe.

Now, here’s where my ridiculously complicated brain gets itself into another pickle.

How do you show people you genuinely love them without making it weird?

Because apparently, just saying “I love you” doesn’t feel like enough to me.

I’m a loving person. At least I try to be.

I try to be kind to everyone I meet. And if I haven’t been kind to you, well, there may be a reason. I’m not applying for sainthood, and I do have a functioning backbone. 😂

I give compliments when I mean them. I try to do the right thing. I show up for people. I care deeply.

Do I screw up? Absolutely.

Do I occasionally put my foot in my mouth? Honey, I’ve practically built a vacation home there.

I’m human.

But when someone touches my heart through the way they love my child, something happens inside me that I can’t quite put into words.

Because loving Nate isn’t just loving Nate.

It’s loving a piece of me that lives outside my body.

It’s seeing the beauty in someone the world doesn’t always take the time to understand.

It’s recognizing his worth without needing an explanation.

It’s giving him the kind of love that asks for absolutely nothing in return.

And for a mother who spends far too much time worrying about the day she might not be here to protect him, that kind of love is everything.

Maybe that’s why this has hit me so hard.

Maybe underneath all my overthinking, all my fear of death, all my sleepless nights and my constant need to analyze every little thing, there’s a mother desperately wanting to know that her child will always be seen, valued, and loved.

Not just tolerated.

Not just included.

Loved.

And when I see that kind of love coming from someone else, I don’t just feel grateful.

I feel connected to them.

Deeply.

And I want them to know that what they’ve given my son has given something to me, too.

Something I didn’t even realize I needed.

Peace.

Hope.

A little less fear.

And maybe the reminder that love doesn’t always need decades of history to be real.

Sometimes people enter your life and touch a place in your soul that others have walked past for years.

So maybe this is my way of saying what I’ve been struggling so hard to express.

To those two people, I hope you know that I see you, too.

I see the way you look at my son.

I see the tenderness. The sincerity. The love.

And I hope you understand that you have touched my heart in a way that words will probably never do justice.

I’m not looking for anything from you. I don’t need a grand gesture, a declaration, or a matching friendship bracelet. Although, knowing me, I’d probably make them. 😂

I just want you to know that the love you give my son has made me love you in return.

Not because of who you are to the world.

But because of who you are to him.

And that, my friends, is something money can’t buy, fame can’t manufacture, and no amount of pretending can ever duplicate.

Maybe I don’t need to figure out how to give that love away.

Maybe I just need to keep showing it, in the little ways, without overthinking it to death.

Which, considering the circus currently operating inside my skull, is asking an awful lot.

But I’m trying.

Because for all the noise in my head, all the fears in my heart, and all the things I still haven’t figured out about this life, I know one thing for certain.

Love is not always something you can explain. Sometimes it’s something you recognize in another person’s eyes.

And when those eyes are looking at your child with the same love and wonder you see in him every single day?

Well, that kind of love changes you.

And if that makes me crazy, then so be it.

I’ve been called worse.

Love, Holly ❤️

P.S. If you’ve made it through this entire tour of my brain, congratulations. You’re now entitled to a complimentary aspirin and possibly a support group. Welcome to Holly’s head. It’s exhausting in here.

Kindness is key.

          Celebrating Kindness and Resilience:

       One piece of glitter at a time.

This story may not be new, but it’s one that needs to be told again and again. As moms, we often find ourselves weary of the same narratives, especially when they overshadow the incredible strength and resilience of our families.

I had the privilege of meeting a remarkable family while Nate was filming the movie *I Win!*. Walking onto the set was a powerful woman who matched my energy and bravado—a potential rival turned ally. 

She is a mother, a wife, a fierce businesswoman, and a dedicated parent raising children destined to make a difference in the world. But with that comes an unfortunate byproduct: 

Hate and jealousy. 

Isn’t it just adorable how some people can’t stand to see others succeed? 

Lets be clear..

It's nauseating.

Our family has faced our share of scrutiny. 

Nate, with his vibrant personality and substantial social media presence, is recognized everywhere we go.

 While many admire his kindness and humor, there are those who question our motives, accusing us of exploiting him or using him for financial gain. To those naysayers, especially the teacher who made such a claim—joke’s on you; there’s no money to exploit. Oh, and by the way,

 I see you,

 I hear you. 

 Gossip is not a good look.

Plus, Karma always wins.

 If only you could see how little is left in our bank account after Nate goes out to eat. 

And for those still inquiring, nothing is your business. 

We all work for a living.

 But hey, someday when you make it big Nate, I really would love a condo on the ocean. 

Besides, if anyone is using anyone, its NATE.

 FREE everything, including rides like I'm driving Miss Daisy. Food, clothing, the list is endless. So before you go on assuming, well you know how that goes, ASS.

Navigating life with a child who has a disability is not a walk through a rose garden.

 It’s filled with tears, sleepless nights, and losses—friends, relationships, and more. 

I could fill an entire book of the "more", shall I start with the R-word?

 Despite the struggles, we’ve met incredible people along the way, but our focus remains on ensuring our children are happy and healthy, thriving in their own right.

Let me introduce you to Kayla, 

Nate’s girlfriend in the movie *I Win!* and a cherished friend. Kayla has Down Syndrome, but she is so much more than that. 

She’s beautiful, kind, funny, thoughtful, and loving.

 Last year, she proudly held the title of Miss Teen Delaware. She earned that title fair and square—she is articulate, smart, wise, graceful, talented, and deserving. 

Can we get a round of applause for Kayla? 

 

Unfortunately, though Daily, they are met with ignorant comments, full of hate and disgrace. (For those who might stand behind the theory, 'Well, if you put yourself out there, you're opening yourself up for critics.

     Go away.

                         Yes they handle it beautifully and yes, it’s exhausting. 

No one deserves to be berated. 

No one deserves to be bullied. 

No one deserves to be made fun of. 

No one deserves to feel less than.

NO ONE.

As a momma bear, you can receive 1 million letters about your child full of praise, and that one? The one that is filled with evil, unfortunately that leaves an everlasting sting.

Yet, with her success comes the inevitable negativity.  

Every day, Kayla and her family face comments from small-minded individuals hiding behind their screens. 

We don’t always show it, but we’re tired—tired of the negativity and jealousy that permeates our society. Honestly, if only these keyboard warriors channeled their energy into something productive, we might all be living in a utopia by now.

                                                        I refuse to stay silent. 

I am loud and proud and quite possibly, I take up more space than I should. But if not me, who will?

I stand against bullies, especially when it comes to my children. 

These faceless critics are likely miserable in their own lives. 

Have you ever typed something hurtful online? 

To anyone?

 Especially a complete stranger?

I know I’ve had moments of typing, but I don’t hit send. 

Ok, maybe once, ok twice, but man they deserved it.

 Maybe we should start handing out “Be Kind” stickers to the trolls; they clearly need the reminder. 

Oh wait, we already do. 'Be a Good Human.' 

 But it’s very possible that people don’t read anymore and if they do, maybe they just don’t comprehend.

                                                   Let’s change the narrative.  

Let’s celebrate Kayla, who radiates kindness and resilience. Let’s celebrate my friend Heather's child who just learned to ride a bike, 2 wheels!

Y'all know, even I would fall off. 

 Or my friends lil one that just said his first word.

 HUGE!!

 We were not born to be cruel; we were born to uplift and support one another. 

Kayla is who she is because of the love and support from her mom, dad, grandparents, siblings, and friends. Each day, she grows into the incredible person she is meant to be. 

Jealous?

Success isn't given away for free. She had to work damn hard to get to where she is.

So when you're hitting snooze at 10 am, ask yourself.....

 If you’re bothered by this message, feel free to send me a note with your address. I might just stop by because lessons need to be learned—even in 2025.

We ride at dawn.

And let’s be honest, who wouldn’t want a surprise visit? 

Try to remember,

Silence is deafening.

shall I say it louder for those in the back?

STAND UP for what's right, cuz someday they will be pointing at you.

It’s time to embrace kindness and celebrate each other. Let’s raise our voices for those who can’t and foster a community where love triumphs over hate. 

Because, really, isn’t that what we should all be striving for?

Awakening!

I have decided to get back to writing. Why? 

Maybe because my life has been consumed with carrying Nate’s bags,

 having surgery after surgery,

 watching my kids fly and soar out of my home, 

spending more money than I make and finding myself 

sometimes in a pot of depression, this is an outlet that I have always enjoyed.

If I can get one person to laugh or maybe have an 'aha' moment, I will be winning. 

You see we only tell people the stories that we want them to hear.

 We only post pictures of events that we want people to see.

 The facts are we all have stories that we don’t want read out loud.

 We have secrets.

 We have darkness and we definitely all have holes . 

One of my favorite quotes is 'even broken crayons can color beautifully.'

 I say that to myself on the Daily.

 As my editor knows, I am full of clichés and I absolutely love them. 

When I was writing my book, she said Holly you cannot fill this entire book with cliches

 and I said why the hell not?

 Every word has already been written, every song has already been sung…

 But I suppose that’s not true. 

There’s always a different angle, another way to see something.

 Another way to feel.

So far, 2024 has been the best year yet. 

Hysterical that it literally just started.

I don’t feel like talking about my age because I believe it’s only a number.

Facts are I am not thrilled with my upcoming new number,.

Hey, but on he flipside.

I'm here to complain about it.

. 

I will tell you it has taken me a very long time to find my voice.

  I hope you have found yours.

Because once you do, your life will forever be changed.

What I mean by that is, I have allowed people to walk all over me, speak badly of me,

take from me, take from me again and even go so far as to steal from me.

 

You know what I would say back in the day?

Would you like some more?

Kindness? Stupidity? Naivety?

Check, check, check.

And then one day it hit me.

I can say no.

I can say no.

That was one of the best days of my life. Because it hit me. 

I can say no.

I can literally say no. 

Might have been the best day of my life. (Outside of having my kids:)

We always read about circles, and who we keep inside our very own circle.

We are told to keep our circles small.

I'd like to think mine is a square,

To most people,

I have a gigantic circle,

I do, 

Yet, now its filled carefully.

I methodically relook at what they bring to MY life. 

I know what I bring.

I know my worth, so lets see yours.

I have shed from the top. 

The middle and the bottom feeders.

I see you now.

Damn that took awhile.

Now my square is made up of magical incredible people.

 I know when I’m not in the room that they will have my back. 

They are rooting for me, 

They lift me without judgment.
In the short few weeks of the New Year I have once again had the rug pulled out from beneath me. 

Before I might have cried or sat on the sofa in my pity party of one.

 But this time I used it as power.

 Power to never let anyone do that to me again. 

You see, I know who I am.

 

 I know I’m loud.

 I know I am full of Moxie.

 I was once told that I take up more space than most people.

 Might that be a compliment probably not.

The best part of growing up? 

You don’t care. 

Of course I care about people’s feelings and I don’t wanna hurt anyone on purpose. 

But I will no longer take the sword.

I will no longer let you take up one more minute one more penny or one more bit of advice. 

I am in charge of my own square and I am in charge of designing it my way.

So can you, delete, ignore, block, its truly a gift that keeps on giving.

I have never felt so free.

I have let people go.

 Even family. 

Deleted completely out of my life.
It’s OK.

 It’s all OK. 

If you don’t protect yourself who will? 

If you don’t protect your heart who will?

Of course I’ve been disrespected… I see you, I hear you.

 Don’t think it goes unnoticed.

Difference is, its a reflection of you.

I do not care.

FREEDOM!

 

We all are allowed to keep a journal right inside our brain.

Today the sun is out and it’s beautiful. I can hear the birds chirping and I feel alive again.
God only gives us this one chance.

I’ve already wasted several decades.

This time around with whatever I have left, family first.

It always has been that way.

 My five kids are my lifeline.
I’m gonna knock the socks off of 21 pineapples to leave that legacy for Nate and my other children.

I’m gonna embrace my friendships and let them know that I love them every single day.

And I am going to say 'no' more.

Because right now there is nothing more than I love than laying in my bed,

 with my bag of popcorn and watching Bravo.

I pray that you too find this peace. 

It’s a gift that I gave myself that I didn’t know I needed.

We always read about our circles and who we keep inside our circle. 

We are taught to keep ocles smTo most I have a gigantic circdo.It’s filled with miraculous people from all over the world.But my true circle my small circle