Dear Cancer

Tomorrow will be my last (HOPEFULLY) day of chemo!!!!!!!!

(BELLS, Chimes, Whistles, High fives, band music, trumpets...choir_)

I cannot even begin to explain how much I hate cancer.

I loathe you cancer.
I'm not even ashamed to admit how you've hurt me.

You were thrown into my life early,
as I was unfortunate enough to watch my father crumble in front of my young eyes by your destruction.
You took a statuesque man and brought him to his knees.
I watched his gigantic life wither away into nothing.
Death.
YOU killed him.
Nothing worse than watching, with nothing to grab onto, no life vest to save him.
Drowning-
Both of us.

I kept the ugliness of cancer buried deep down inside of me as it was just too painful to resurrect.
I miss my father so damn much.
Cancer you killed him.
For that I will never forgive or forget.

I didn't welcome you into my life.
You took me by surprise.
Actually you took my breath away.
 You bitch.
Thinking you can just walk right in and destroy me.
You certainly tried.
You had no idea who I was or what I was made of.
You sat quietly inside my breast until I caught a glimpse of you.
Tricky.

Like a snake.
Funny thing you didn't realize about me..
I'm not going anywhere.
No joke and no deal to be made.
You have pissed me off.
Disgusted me.
I am done.
You're done.
You are gone from my magnificent life.

Chemo which is designed to cure you of this ugly will also try to break you.
Chemo I despise you too. 

Yes you can be a friend if you heal.
 But you're an evil poison and definitely not meant for the timid.
You knocked me on my ass a few times.
You sure did.
Crying myself to sleep, shit crying all day.

Days, into weeks into months.

Holly style trudged through.
Painted on my lipstick and lived. (at least putting on a good show!)

Hardest thing I have ever done.
WAS TO LIVE.
While you wanted to kill me.

You will not win.
YOU were not invited.

Cancer you are twisted, mean and sneaky.

 You are hated more than anything I can imagine.
You cannot just come into someones life and turn it upside down, without a lesson learned.

You almost broke me.
Yes, I said almost broke me.

My friends would not allow you to do that to me.
My family never wavered.
You were just not welcomed into my soul.

I finally got to see the light .....
Chemo almost behind me.
Radiation awaits and I hear that's a breeze.

There is no wrapping paper, ribbons or bows for this.
Breast cancer, cancer of any kind is the scariest 6 letter word I have heard.

I wonder how long it takes to forget you.

The surgery, the scars, the pain, the drains, fears, phone calls, doctor visits, insurance, more appointments, sickness, more pain, fear, and more fear...
 Sleepless nights, moments of shear terror.

Where do you put that?
Where does that go?

I hate you so damn much. 

I hate what happens to me when I bring you to mind.

The fears I buried...The tears that swelled my eyes, the unknowns and the hurdles to jump through.

Damn I really miss my hair.
Silly in the scheme of things?
Yes- but I really miss my hair.
Its a part of me.
I hate wigs and hats and scarves.
I hate you cancer and I hate what you taught me.

You made me look death right in the eyes. 
I did not want to do that.
Then you made me look into the eyes of my kids and wonder what would happen if I was gone...

Who in the hell do you think you are? 

You are the worst of all evil and my hate is real.
But I cannot hang onto that forever.
Actually I cannot hang onto it at all.




I'm forgiving you.
I have too.
Cancer my dear, you can take your shit straight back to hell, and on your way let the demons know who they tried to mess with.

I preach that we all have choices.
Damn now its my turn to listen and learn.
I will take my hate and turn it into compassion.
I will take my fears and wrap LIFE and living around it.
I will carry the lessons that family and friends bestowed upon me daily and pass the goodness forward.
I will not take a single breath for granted.
I promise to share my good fortune with everyone.
I will continue to advocate for the ones that need a voice.
I will at the very least take the love and pride you all gifted upon me.

Cancer I hate you.

But hate will destroy me.
I will not allow that.

I want to live.
Big and bold and raw.
Holly Style.

Don't you dare come back as I will kick your ass again.
And by the way don't try messing with any of my family or friends.
I have your number now and I am ready and strong enough to destroy you.
 Game on bitch.
I'm winning.