Life.
A million years ago when I was 18 my life as I knew it took a drastic turn.As I'm telling you this story, I hope that you have seen the movie The Notebook. Just keep that in mind.
I remember being 18 years old. Graduated early from High School.
My bikini clad self went to spend the day at Oak street beach. A little fight broke out and I stood up to watch. Highly doubtful I stood up to help. I think I weighed 118lbs soaking wet. I remember meeting a young man and I instantly became enamored. He was GORGEOUS! I'm sure we exchanged stories and the very next day while at work this total hunk walked into the store! Speechless- as I was officially meeting my very first "REAL" boyfriend.
His name was Kevin and he grew up on the opposite side of the tracks than I did.
He was a body builder and as sweet as they come.
I fell head over heels.
At least I thought so.
I was also finishing beauty school.
One day out of no where my new boyfriend tells me that he has to leave.
Move away.
No real explanation.
HUH...My father died from Cancer in the next few months and I was lost.
I remember Kevin calling our house phone and my mom answered. "Are you a man or a mouse?" she asked him.
Wtf does that even mean?
He eventually landed in Virginia. We wrote letters and spoke on the phone. (I still have the beautiful handwritten letters.)
Once he had enough money he sent me an airline ticket to visit. I for the very first time felt "Grown up".
Gosh I loved him. I was so excited to see him again.
Welcome to Alexandria, Virginia.
So what if we went to his bosses house for dinner and I puked all over everything, including myself. Maybe a tad over-served.
Embarrassed?
You bet.
But fighting for my love was more important.
I cooked, cleaned and made him dinner.
We slept on a book bag filled with socks as a pillow.
Returning home I saw my future.
With Kevin. Clear as day.
Funny as that was 35 years ago and I can still smell him.
Jovan musk.
We wrote letters by hand:) and I held onto promises of us.
Then one day I received an invitation.
It was to his wedding.
SHE knew of me and sent me the invite a few weeks after the nuptials.
"Leave MY man alone" was loud and clear.
I think there are still pieces of my heart shattered from that day.
Took me forever to swallow my pride and move on.
Damn did that hurt.
I dont think that feeling will ever go away.
Lost love.
Lost hopes.
Dreams.
Destiny.
The tears stung like acid rain.
Permanently leaving scars that remain to this day.
Always wondering..
Why?
What if?
Eventually.
My life became exactly what I had hoped. An amazing husband, 5 great children, a wonderful career.
Nathaniel our gift from God, well his pure existance changed my path for the better.
Who knew this hairdresser that cheated her way out of High School would now be on the radio, on TV and have written a book? The journey is an ever winding path of whatever we choose.
But what if?
I searched for Kevin for decades. I even called the Maury Povich show. They claimed to have found him, but I chickened out. OK Dan said "Absolutely not."
Wonder can kill.
Facebook.
Nothing.
My daughter had this adorable boyfriend in College.
She came back to Chicago, he stayed in little Iowa.
Her heart has hurt ever since.
Wondering what if...
One night, on one of my famous 'I CANT SLEEP' episodes I searched Facebook again for Kevin.
Knowing that I hadn't found him in 35 years, but why not.
Actually I thought I found him a decade ago, I called that Kevin, yet the man said that he wasn't MY Kevin, I swore he was in hiding and that I really did find him. It killed me that he pretended not to be himself.
Hahahah I am nuts.
Do you see that my life is a damn sitcom....
BUT ALAS...
My heart skipped a beat.
I might of had a heart attack.
Shaking and totally freaking out...
THERE HE WAS.
HOLY SHITBALLS.
Now what do I do?
I panicked and I wrote him a lil message.
No reply.Jesus this is killing me.
So what did Holly do?
I messaged his wife.
Come on no judgement.
I am no threat...
hahahahaha.
She was lovely and wrote back immediately.
She said that he wanted me to call him.
Now I am in cardiac arrest.
I called and his voice was the sweetest melody of days-years-decades gone by.
We caught up, and the obvious assumption on why he bolted 35 years ago was answered as he spoke of his 35 year old son.
His honesty was refreshing.
His humor intact.
But then came real life and I wasn't prepared for that.
I yearned for the fairy tale.
Kevin had fallen off a building and was off of work for 10 years, fracturing his skull.
My heart was bleeding.
We spoke again and my tears just kept pouring down my skin leaving an even bigger scar than before.
He said something to me that I will never forget.
I mentioned how much I had missed him over the years.
"I did you a favor Holly by leaving you."
Gulp.
"You wouldn't be who you are today if I hadn't."
EPIC.
What a gift to unwrap.
If only Lindsey could see what I see.
Maybe in 35 years she will.
Shortly after reconnecting with Kevin, my heart still a tad hallow, I was massively alerted that my great LOVE Anthony Bourdain had killed himself.
Then my fave Kate Spade.
My heart can no longer feel.
Sometimes I am completely numb to the universe and all that is ugly.
I fear that I am getting cold as I weather through storms without getting wet.
So much to live for.
So much to see.
To respect.
To laugh.
Love.
Honor.
Give.
So much.
So fucking much.
Boldly waking up covered in aches and pains.
Fearing the nights that the kids are not in their beds tucked in safe and sound.
Wondering if the C will come back. Believe me when I tell you THAT fear is a tiny devil on your shoulder, ever so softly saying, "Holly LIVE, LIVE BIG now, as tomorrow isn't promised."
Will I have anything left to go on?
Will I?
Will YOU?
Watching the news.
Kids dying.
President hating.
Fights
War
Economy in crisis.
Bills
Fears
Tears
Pain.
Loading up my baked potato with all the extras.
I'm gonna LIVE.
No looking back.
NO damn regrets.
This is MY LIFE and I'm creating the dialogue and movement on a day to day basis. No parade, shoot I will create my own.
No room for sadness
No room for drama
No room for cruelty or fear.
Holding onto all that I love and thanking GOD and Kevin for giving me myself.
I will always "Love" you Kevin, especially for letting me go....
I am who I am.
