Glitter on the Side: what doesnt kill us....

Glitter on the Side: what doesnt kill us....: What doesn

what doesnt kill us....

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, is such a BULLSHIT saying.

What doesn't immediately kill you,

 kills you slowly.

Slowly.

Methodically,

Painfully and raw.

Truth.
I write for my sanity.

I write to purge what binds me and I often urge others to do so too.
It helps.
It doesn't take all of the bricks off your back- it just lessons your load a little bit.
And some days a little bit is better than NOTHING.

Maybe sharing with others has them grabbing a few bricks...I like to think I am not alone.
But in the past few weeks,
Sitting in a crowded room,
I have NEVER felt so alone in my life.

I knew another truck load of shit was about to be dumped on me.
So what does Holly do?
She runs away to her safe place.
California.

Nirvana.

I spent 5 spectacular days with my daughter without a care in the world.
I woke up pretending that my bucket was empty and that the day was mine.

It worked.
It was without a doubt one of the finest little excursions I had taken in awhile.

I wonder if you have a daughter?

Did you follow the 1960 books that said to not become their friend?

I feel awful if you did that.

My daughter and my 4 sons are some of the best friends I could have ever asked for.

Yesterday as I bawled a river on top of my oldest sons shoulder, I was reminded of that.

I knew that my 6th surgery in 4 short years was waiting for me when I arrived home.
Signs kept telling me to cancel.
Like my flight home that was cancelled at the last minute.
I cried a little, but the strength of my daughter had me straighten up and enjoy that last hotel nights stay. Free concierge food and dancing in a robe in my room made me forget what the following day was about to bring.

I went to surgery alone.

Literally I took an Uber.

I like being alone.
I'm stronger alone, at least that is the BS I tell myself.
I got there by 5:30 am.
I knew a few nurses and doctors as I have been a regular there for years.

I bury my fear on the daily.
Its what I do.
Its how I cope.
I laugh and make fun of myself and it eases me into my next chapter.

I suppose surgery went fine.

I am alive...hahahahahahaha.
 And that was a good sign.

My husband picked me up and with the wonders of drugs I slept for the next few days.

Real life hit me when I removed my bandages.

Where breasts once stood, I was deformed.

Unsightly and frightening, I was a monster.

I went into shock and stayed there for days.

Right before Cali. My mom fell on her balcony.

My 87 year old feisty, bullheaded, German mamma was getting weaker.
She was diagnosed with a broken pelvis.

One thing about Holly that many of you don't realize is that I live in my very own la-la land. I like it here.
Free from everyday pain and struggles. Of course, I know the difference between my pretend reality and real life. Its just my Armour, And it suits me quite well.

I have kept my moms future hidden deep inside the technicolor movie of happiness, unicorns and rainbows.
But after this fall my world that I knew crumbled.

She could barely walk.

They gave her a walker and I brought her back to my house to recover.
What I refused to believe was that there was not going to be any recovery.

My mom has Alzheimer's.

It began simply by forgetting mundane things.
But yesterday she forgot that I was her daughter and said that I am for sure her sister.
Her demise was like a jump from the highest mountain in Austria.
So quick and sharp, raw and painful.
She was gone.
The "longest goodbye" my friend said.
OMG its TRUE.

  How does one go from killing it at Scrabble to not knowing what a Kleenex is?
After my drugs wore off, my mom was still here, sitting in the same chair asking the same crazy questions. How does she not know she's hungry? Just yesterday she did. She doesnt know my name, or where the bathroom is. She searched down the hall for her bra's and is flirting with everyone that has a penis. Maybe this is supposed to be funny. But damn I am not laughing.
Who is she?
I'm getting so upset. Who created this demise?

  "Why am I here?
 "Do I have a home?" "Who's walker is this?" 20 times a day...

 I think the day that crushed me to my core was the day that I had to bathe her.

COME ON.

I JUST HAD BREAST SURGERY.   Sutures from east to west....raging pain that once again no one decided to tell me about.

 I CANNOT MOVE MY ARMS WITHOUT A STABBING PAIN SHOOT THROUGH MY UPPER TORSO.  But helping my mom get her socks on? No problem.

This is not what I signed up for.
I am still wiping Nate's ass.
My fair share of unfair seems to have overflowed decades ago.

Must I remind you?

I was 18 when I had the luxury of watching my dad die from Cancer.
He begged me not to take him to the hospital while he was puking all over the house.
I took him, and yes he died there.
For those thinking..."Lose the guilt"....ummmmm good luck with that. Guilt is a stain that oozes through you're being. Cannot wish it away. Just try to make tomorrow better. To make up for past mistakes. To say "I love you" one more time.
.

Nate was born with Down Syndrome, almost died his 1st year. We spent most of our days sitting bedside praying for him to breathe.  Most people would crash and burn, but we had no choice.
We were a family with 5 little miracles that needed us to remain their strength.
Did I want to give up?
Holy shit- YES. A million times. 

My son Ben had an amniotic band wrapped around him in the womb. At anytime within the 9 months he could have died..... that was a super fun pregnancy.

Dan caught flesh eating bacteria when the kids were all little. The doctors told me to be prepared for him to either lose his leg or die.

OK is this ride over?

I got sick in L.A. ignoring a kidney infection. I wound up at Ceder Sinai Hospital with a 106 fever, a collapsed lung and septicemia.

Lucky to have lived that week, and yes I was there, alone.

You see I am not complaining.
Just wondering about this "What doesn't kill you", BS.

4 years ago I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer, 6 surgeries later to help ease the pain.
The chronic pain that no one talks about. They talk about pink ribbons and long walks. But the truth is CANCER is pure evil and once you have been touched your life is forever changed.

But now I'm facing the worst demon of all.

The slow good-bye to my mom.
My rock.
MY loudest cheerleader and my constant best friend.

The one whom I quote daily as she has gifted me more wisdom than she knows.

I watch her sit and stare out the window with blank eyes and pale skin.
I ask her questions knowing that there are no answers.
I am no longer her daughter.
But her keeper.
Thank God she feels safe here.
Although she knows not where she is.

She asks who that Man is as my Ben leaves the kitchen.
My heart hurts more than I ever thought possible.
I am being tortured with the unknown and raw from pain that I cannot heal.
I was told that this will only get worse.
 I'm desperately trying to lodge that sentence from by brain.

What haunts me the most is the fear that I will do this to my children someday.
I am petrified beyond words that they will cry themselves to sleep like I am.

I lived a life telling my mom how much I love her.
I still do, every damn day.
I pray that, that is enough.
No re-dos or second chances with this shit.

Where she goes from here or tomorrow I have no idea. I cannot wrap my head around tomorrow.
For now she sits.

I am caring for another newborn.
And I hate to admit this, but I'm angry.
I am awaiting for the next shoe to drop. Who have I become?
I'm waiting for a sign.
A sign that I wont have to make a decision.
 I stand still waiting for G-d to guide me.
I have too.
My strength is limited and decisions are to gigantic to tackle.
So I stand still.

Isn't it my turn to take care of myself?  
Or is that another Hallmark lie?


I promised that I would never put my mom in a home.
I promised.
She was robbed by a "friend" and reduced to financial ruins.

How can life be so cruel?

Can I let her live here and watch the slow death as if its my own?

Today I have no answers.  I am numb and yet I am watering my keyboard with tears.
I cannot stop the rain as its free flowing and burning my very being.
But I must go on.

This is the view into my very own demise.
Fucking crystal clear future.
 Please let me die in my sleep.

If you have a special child you might be like me, where you truly believe that you will live forever. Or at the very least go out together, like the end of the 'Notebook."


Denial and I get along great.

I'm going to book another trip and escape once again as I know that the cold hard brutal bitch of reality will still be here when I get home.

So how am I doing?

My boobs are killing me from the pain and their sight. I am a monster hiding behind baggy clothes and a painted on smile.

My heart is no longer whole as I watch my leader slip away.

I hate myself as I'm filled with thoughts of running away.

I want to eat chocolate and wear fancy shoes and go on with my "Sex in The City" pretend life that I am so good at.

But I cant.

So hold me if you can and please don't ask me how I am.

I am not OK.

And for now that has to be,

OK.

35 years ago...

Life.

A million years ago when I was 18 my life as I knew it took a drastic turn.

As I'm telling you this story, I hope that you have seen the movie The Notebook. Just keep that in mind.

I remember being 18 years old. Graduated early from High School.

 My bikini clad self went to spend the day at Oak street beach. A little fight broke out and I stood up to watch. Highly doubtful I stood up to help. I think I weighed 118lbs soaking wet. I remember meeting a young man and I instantly became enamored. He was GORGEOUS! I'm sure we exchanged stories and the very next day while at work this total hunk walked into the store! Speechless- as I was officially meeting my very first "REAL" boyfriend.

His name was Kevin and he grew up on the opposite side of the tracks than I did.
He was a body builder and as sweet as they come.
I fell head over heels.
At least I thought so.

I was also finishing beauty school.
One day out of no where my new boyfriend tells me that he has to leave.
Move away.
No real explanation.
HUH...

My father died from Cancer in the next few months and I was lost.
I remember Kevin calling our house phone and my mom answered. "Are you a man or a mouse?" she asked him.

Wtf does that even mean?

He eventually landed in Virginia. We wrote letters and spoke on the phone. (I still have the beautiful handwritten letters.)
 Once he had enough money he sent me an airline ticket to visit. I for the very first time felt "Grown up".
Gosh I loved him.  I was so excited to see him again.
Welcome to Alexandria, Virginia.

So what if we went to his bosses house for dinner and I puked all over everything, including myself. Maybe a tad over-served.
Embarrassed?
You bet.
But fighting for my love was more important.
I cooked, cleaned and made him dinner.
We slept on a book bag filled with socks as a pillow.

Ok



Returning home I saw my future.
With Kevin. Clear as day.

Funny as that was 35 years ago and I can still smell him.
Jovan musk.

We wrote letters by hand:) and I held onto promises of us.

Then one day I received an invitation.

It was to his wedding.

SHE knew of me and sent me the invite a few weeks after the nuptials.
"Leave MY man alone" was loud and clear.

I think there are still pieces of my heart shattered from that day.
Took me forever to swallow my pride and move on.
Damn did that hurt.
I dont think that feeling will ever go away.
Lost love.
Lost hopes.
Dreams.
Destiny.

The tears stung like acid rain.
Permanently leaving scars that remain to this day.

Always wondering..
Why?
What if?

Eventually.
My life became exactly what I had hoped. An amazing husband, 5 great children, a wonderful career.

Outstanding kids actually. All incredibly unique. All gifting me more love and more respect than the day before.
Nathaniel our gift from God, well his pure existance changed my path for the better.
Who knew this hairdresser that cheated her way out of High School would now be on the radio, on TV and have written a book? The journey is an ever winding path of whatever we choose.

But what if?

I searched for Kevin for decades. I even called the Maury Povich show. They claimed to have found him, but I chickened out. OK Dan said "Absolutely not."

Wonder can kill.

Facebook.
Instagram
Nothing.

My daughter had this adorable boyfriend in College.

First love.
 She came back to Chicago, he stayed in little Iowa.
Her heart has hurt ever since.
Wondering what if...

One night, on one of my famous 'I CANT SLEEP' episodes I searched Facebook again for Kevin.

Knowing that I hadn't found him in 35 years, but why not.

Actually I thought I found him a decade ago, I called that Kevin, yet the man said that he wasn't MY Kevin, I swore he was in hiding and that I really did find him. It killed me that he pretended not to be himself.
Hahahah I am nuts.
Do you see that my life is a damn sitcom....

 BUT ALAS...
My heart skipped a beat.

I might of had a heart attack.
Shaking and totally freaking out...

THERE HE WAS.

HOLY SHITBALLS.
Now what do I do?
I panicked and I wrote him a lil message.

No reply.

Jesus this is killing me.

So what did Holly do?

I messaged his wife.

Come on no judgement.
I am no threat...
hahahahaha.

She was lovely and wrote back immediately.
She said that he wanted me to call him.

Now I am in cardiac arrest.

 I called and his voice was the sweetest melody of days-years-decades gone by.
We caught up, and the obvious assumption on why he bolted 35 years ago was answered as he spoke of his 35 year old son.

His honesty was refreshing.
His humor intact.

But then came real life and I wasn't prepared for that.

I yearned for the fairy tale.

Kevin had fallen off a building and was off of work for 10 years, fracturing his skull.
My heart was bleeding.

We spoke again and my tears just kept pouring down my skin leaving an even bigger scar than before.
 He said something to me that I will never forget.

I mentioned how much I had missed him over the years.

"I did you a favor Holly by leaving you." 

Gulp.

"You wouldn't be who you are today if I hadn't." 

EPIC.

What a gift to unwrap.

If only Lindsey could see what I see.
Maybe in 35 years she will.

Shortly after reconnecting with Kevin, my heart still a tad hallow, I was massively alerted that my great LOVE Anthony Bourdain had killed himself.

Then my fave Kate Spade.

My heart can no longer feel.

Sometimes I am completely numb to the universe and all that is ugly.
I fear that I am getting cold as I weather through storms without getting wet.

So much to live for.
So much to see.

To touch.
To respect.
To laugh.
Love.
Honor.
Give.

So much.

So fucking much.

Boldly waking up covered in aches and pains.
Fearing the nights that the kids are not in their beds tucked in safe and sound.
Wondering if the C will come back. Believe me when I tell you THAT fear is a tiny devil on your shoulder, ever so softly saying, "Holly LIVE, LIVE BIG now, as tomorrow isn't promised."

Will I have anything left to go on?

Will I?

Will YOU?


Watching the news.
Kids dying.
President hating.
Fights
War
Economy in crisis.
Bills
Fears
Tears
Pain.

Loading up my baked potato with all the extras.

I'm gonna LIVE.
No looking back.
NO damn regrets.

 This is MY LIFE and I'm creating the dialogue and movement on a day to day basis. No parade, shoot I will create my own.

No room for sadness 
No room for drama
No room for cruelty or fear.

Holding onto all that I love and thanking GOD and Kevin for giving me myself.

I will always "Love" you Kevin, especially for letting me go....

I am who I am.

Welcome Lindsey our next Bachlorette:)

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Amazing isn't it that you can have a life changing AH-Hah moment at anytime anywhere, at any age.

The dream is intoxicating! 
The thought that your life has the possibility to change in an instant is almost too much to bear.

For the good or the bad it takes a mere second in time. I'm gonna focus on the good second. Not the shitty ass second where life can be gone, damaged, heartbroken, devastated. That crap is for the Eeyores of the world. I can't focus solely on the yuck.
The ones that I keep far away from my circle. (I think my life is more like a triangle anyway.)

Yep- the good second.

One of my many LOVES, Anthony Bourdain was recently spotted talking about his amazing life changing moment. You know I love him, and he loves me....

He was saying that in his 40's he was pretty low, unable to pay his rent, unable to keep a job, gas company calling, electricity being shut off. He was lost and 'broken' as I say.  (He failed to mention that he was a major drug addict, heroin and meth I believe...)
It took one step. OK, maybe for him it was a leap, but it was a forward motion. 
 He decided to submit a story to a local paper. He thought he was a loser, never to be heard.
Never.
Yep, a few days later the Editor called him, saying his writing was wonderful and powerful and they were going to put his story to print.

He feared sending this paper in for the longest time. Fear of rejection was all too consuming.
Yep, he sent in a story. It really was that simple.

He was sure no one would call.

But they did.
Yes, they did.

I hate getting knocked down. 
Who likes rejection?
To those that think I drink my tea out of china and shit rainbows...well you're wrong.
I drink my tea out of a mug....

So Anthony, although I like to call him Tony has given my girlfriend an AH- HAH moment. Today.
I think she has had a million but this one stuck.
Moral of this story?
At any single second of any given day you can do something to move a fricken mountain.
YOU can do this, anything actually.
One foot in front of the other.
Wanna be a writer?
Write.
Cant spell?
Me either.
Write.

Want to start a business.
Put the pen to the paper and make it be.

The other day a lovely nurse came into my room after my exam.
"Look at how old my hands look?!" I stupidly said.
"Omg they are not bad, your so cool, I wanna be hip like you when I grow up."

No I didn't kick her teeth in, I took the back handed compliment, shoved it into my purse and ran the hell out of there.

I've never wanted to BE someone else.
 Not at all, not even Ellen or Oprah. (OK, maybe Angelina when she was married to Brad...come on now....:)
They have their own set of problems. More than we realize I bet.
No one really wants to look inside my purse, do they?
Fave quote?
"We all have a chapter that we don't want read out loud."
Hell straight!
I don't wanna read it let alone re-live the bullshit.

Be me?
Go right ahead.

5 kids no stretch marks but I do have a momma gut that cannot be spanxed.
Bills...hahaha I live like I am rich, my poor hubby works overtime to fund my shoe addiction. (He knew this when he met me....complete authenticity..)

5 kids means 5 GIGANTIC set of problems.
Self absorbed, spoiled, pretentious, ignorant and bossy. Shit that's only one of them:)

Kidding
Not kidding.

I like who I have become.
From the shy, scared high school student to the fierce as fuck cancer survivor. 
Warrior? Sometimes. But that's just fine.
I am who I am.

 
I just heard Dr. Phil say that we are formed by the age of 7. Mentally who we will always be.
BULLSHIT again.
I form every friggen day above ground.

So can you.
A new site a new smell, a new friend. That's BUILDING!
I am who I am and I can get better and better if I can handle the challenge.

And dammit yes I can.

Ah- hah moment.

Not happy?
Move, you are not a tree.

Hate something?
Let it go, let them go....shut the door, no slam the damn door.

An open cleaned out doorway will allow something better to come in.
Gotta clean out the cobwebs from time to time.
So today I'm writing and recoloring my overly processed hair.

I get ah-hah moments on the daily.
Open yourself up to the possibilities.
I dont get why you're still sitting there.
watching the TV screen.

Do something, make it happen.
BE THE CHANGE!

So hallmark you say?
Too cliche?
Yep I am the quote queen but I can still run circles around Maury Povich.
Come on lets change the world.


What are you waiting for?