Happy Thanksgiving short and sweet:)

Happy Thanksgiving world.

We all have our own ways, traditions and memories of this special day.
The smell of the turkey in the oven, the ever so tightening waistband, the kids all home and sleeping on the couch.
Its a day of reflection and hope for a better tomorrow.
We are to stop.
Sit, eat, rejoice and be thankful.
What are you thankful for?

My thanks have changed over the past several months. I am still and always will be thankful for what is before me.
My children.
My husband.
My  mom.
My friends...extended family..
The obvious wealth of  love.

But my list has grown.
I am more thankful for moments.
Moments when I truly feel alive.
Every breath.
Kiss.
Hug.
Laughter and tears.
I am more thankful for little blessings.
Merely feeling OK when your feet hit the floor.
Simple.
Yet so profound.
Life.
Living and happiness.

I am thankful that today I feel a little better than yesterday.
I am thankful that I have the  choice to take my weaknesses and to build them stronger.
I am grateful for yet another day here.
Imagine.

With all of the tangible, loving and beautiful pieces of my life.
I am thankful.

The Jews have a saying.
One that I have referred to many times in my life.

What has changed, this night, from all the other nights?

Mah nishtanah, ha-laylah ha-zeh, mi-kol ha-leylot

מַה נִּשְׁתַּנָּה, הַלַּיְלָה הַזֶּה מִכָּל הַלֵּילוֹת

The meaning is vast.
But to me quite simple.
"Why should today be any different than any other day?"

Think about it.
Why today?
Shouldn't we be this thankful every day?
Shouldn't we be grateful everyday?
Keep that skip in your step, make a new casserole, eat a piece of pie and ask a relative a question?

SERIOUSLY.
EVERY DAY.

Short and sweet blog today.
Mah Nishtanah.

Make everyday a day to be thankful for.

Simple thanks.
With POWERFUL intentions.

I thank you all for your love and support.
I thank you all for your understanding and acceptance.
I am thankful.
Today and every day.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I am....do this for yourself!

I want you all to do me a favor.
Actually do this for yourself!

Get out a piece of paper,
a pen and go to a quiet space.
Write down "I am" on the top of the paper.
Think.
Think about who you are.

Go wild with your thoughts.
Collect them and write.
Do not care about spelling or justifying.
Just purge.

Write it down honestly.
Do not think.
Free your mind of justifications.
Just write.
Write down the words that define YOU.

Start with your name. That is who you are, right?
 I am,
Holly.

Flow with straight from the hip words, sentences, poetry- anything.
Just write.
Write for today and yesterday and tomorrow.
Write for who you are going to be in 20 years.

I am,

Holly

A mom, a daughter a sister and a friend.
I am tall, bold, scared. amazed, glittery, tired, amazing, learning, beautiful, talkative, kind, untamed, loyal, successful, warrior, loved, wild, confident.
Frightened, wounded, open, honest, confident, resilient, positive, hungry, expanding, open,
glittery, fashionable, bruised, refreshing, big, loud, inquisitive, expanding, saggy, exhausted, warrior, loyal, pissed, happy, interesting, interested, powerful .. Exaggerated, silly, creative, fierce, talented, artistic, illiterate, funny, bright and blessed.

My list continues with each new day.
I can erase the few that I do not wish to be.
That is my choice.

Lord knows the Breast Cancer curve ball has added a few new words to my 'I am' list.

Keep the paper in sight.
Hang on your wall or keep by your computer.
Enjoy your morning coffee with the first sips of acceptance.
You are who YOU are.
YOU can change those words, the line up or erase them all together.
YOU can.
Mine is mine,
Hands off.

You may notice that my list is in turmoil.
Happy yet frightened.
We all have a myriad of emotions and feelings that define us.
Yet its up to US who we become with a new day.

Do you get it yet?

Its your choice the words that define you. The most important words in the world.
I am...
Make them important and jump off the page.
Any less would be a waste.

Re-write if you must but keep on filling the page with words that dance off the page....

I hope you get it...

I am who I am and I am HOLLY.
Yippeeeeeee.

Secrets

I have so many secrets.
Don't we all?
I'm pretty open, honest and a constant straight shooter.

Yet, I carry a boat load of secrets underneath my glittery existence.

I've come to believe its actually the secrets that keep us strong. 

WE spend a lifetime covering them up.
To protect others from seeing or feeling our pain.
The mask we wear so our parents dont feel our failures.
The makeup we adorn so our kids do not see our defeat.

 Bandages, tears, nightmares, alcohol, drugs, sleeping pills, hot fudge sundaes.
All covered by multi dimensional thick skinned scars.
Warrior wounds that keep us strong.

I believe in choice.
I believe you really can make the most of your choices.
 Truth is,
I'm scared.
Tired, lifeless and wounded.
But MY choice is which box to place that shit in.

Seems like MY boxes overflow quickly.
 I'm not complaining just reality.

So instead of carrying that burden on my very week shoulders, I toss the boxes away.
I don't store them to reopen later.

Whats the advantage of that??

We all have boxes. Some people have so  many boxes full of shit they are unable to see past the mound.
I'm here to say-
I've felt pain.
I have shed tears.
More than most can imagine.

I have loved and lost.
I have witnessed incredible sadness.
I have stood still when my body was in shock by the worlds cruelness.
I have heard words no child should hear.
I have been taken advantage of.
Bruised,
Cut and lied too.

I'm not any of that shit.

I am my new shit.

Holly.
I may sound mad, angry pissed off.
Maybe I am-
 I am allowed.

People have said to me "If you didn't have bad luck you wouldn't have any luck at all."
Do people really hear what they are saying?
Serious IDIOTS.

I'm here to hear you, you moron.

Looks like I have nothing but LUCK.

My shit hasn't killed me.
It ain't gonna kill me now.
So my choice is to see the luck in the BS.

Tossing the BS boxes into the Lake and carrying on with a HOLLYWEAR bag.

I have choices.
So do you.
Never forget that.
Its simple stuff.

Today I choose to smile and enjoy 2 cups of tea...

Strength truly comes from within my friends.

I have no magic pill.
 NO great words of amazing wisdom.
Just buck up and enjoy.

If you are here to read this it means you have been gifted another day.

Lets toss our boxes in the lake all at the same time.
Who needs them any longer.
If you choose to keep yours
be my guest to carry my load as well.

You're a crazy Mother F*cker if you don't learn this as quickly as possible...
Truth is we only have one life.

Live it.
Now.

BREAST CANCER. Say what?????

WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?
I have BREAST CANCER.
SHUT UP.

God only gives us what we can handle, is a total load of BULLSHIT.
Its the luck of the draw.
Its life.
Roll of the dice- fingers crossed.

The hand you are dealt changes every single day. Every minute of it.                                                           

My father died in front of my eyes when I was 18.
How did I get past that?
Complete denial.
For some people that doesn't work. They need head on, train raring straight for them to swallow what lies before them. Not me.
Denial Baby.
Complete smoke and mirrors.
That's how Holly rolls.
I have too.
Its who I am.

We all bury shit.
Sometimes it surfaces, other times your bag just gets full and over flows.
We claim to be our authentic selves.
Seriously do we even know what that means??

I do.
To be me.
No rose colored glasses or technicolor dream coat.
Just me.
Raw, open, honest.
Unfortunately that route is often scary.

Shoot from the hip- straight shot.

Just about a month ago I had a pretty clear picture of what my life was going to look like.
What I need, want, desire and wish for.

I was on that path.
Keeping my eyes clear and full of visine. I was ready to jump, kick, fight and move forward to my happiness.

Say What??????

You have breast cancer?
Very funny.
Move along- you obviously have the wrong gal.

I like my boobs, they serve me well. I bring my girls out at times, not that anyone is looking.
It does embarrass my kids, I'm OK with that. They are mine and I can do with them whatever I choose to do..

I like them.

Fast forward through the marathon day that began with a routine mammogram.....
3 mammograms later...Ultra sound...BIOPSY. ( I knew I was screwed by the 7th hour)
Can't they at least supply snacks?
I lay on the hospital bed, boobs exposed to any one and everyone, I think I saw the janitor at one point.
Who cares.
We all have them.

Ummmmm, Why is this young darling doctor holding my hand?
"Shoot me straight Doc"...

"I'm worried." she says.

Well shit so am I.

The mind the miraculous mind.

My mind shut down on the Dan Ryan on my way home from the marathon appointment.
It was full of Pandora Radio- no room for negative news.
Besides they must be wrong.
In Hollys World I am 27.
Who has breast cancer at 27?  (seriously don't answer that)

My plate is full.
Has been for awhile.

Lets see...
Great childhood-

Dad deteriorated from Cancer while I was lucky enough to watch...
Hell that NO one should see.
No one.

He begged me to not take him to the hospital, but at 18 I had a party to go to. I was not able or willing  to mop up any more vomit......I was alone with my dad in our big Oak Park home...Wishing I would die.
But nope I got to watch.
I was watching the man who took care of everything in my life fade away.
He died the next morning. They told me over the pay phone.
I was alone.
I was completely alone.

Funny thing happened to my dad as he was dying...he began to see again. Literally, actually.
He lost his site in one eye in the war or so he said.
It was a cloudy blue, we enjoyed flipping him the bird as he couldn't see from his right side...

But right before he died..
He saw.
I swear to GOD.
He saw.
He also GOT IT.

Unfortunately it took cancer for him to get it.

He was strong, brave, handsome, and fierce. Cancer made him lose 100lbs. A shell of the man I knew.
He began to truly LOVE life. No prejudice as it oozed out of his pores. He spoke at my high school while his 98 lb frame could barely walk he spoke.
He spoke about loving and learning.
I think that was the day I was reborn.
His death nearly killed me.

But I'm still here, a large part of Zel inside of me.

You have breast cancer.

Still nothing.
Black cloud and lots of sleep continued.
Days and weeks melted together...

When Nate was born the shock took a few weeks to fade. He was a beautiful baby. I was not gonna let sadness or despair come into his pure life. I fought his ailments the first year like a bull in a china shop.
The year was brutal. Again the fear, the uncertainty showered my days.
I was exhausted.
But I am a mother.
A warrior.
I got this.

We as a family took a deep breath and let life begin again.
We are a big family of our own.
5 kids, we are our own basketball team.
Rarely invited to parties, hah we are just too big as a group to entertain.
We kept enjoying...
Still frightened, that's life.

My husband thought he broke his ankle while holding Nate at the park 6 years ago...
Fast forward the 2 days of hell that followed...
"Your husband has Flesh Eating Bacteria" if he doesn't die in the next 24 hours he will probably lose his foot, possibly his leg."

Ok- who and the hell switched my life on me.
(or my poor husbands for that matter)
This was not my plan.
THIS SUCKS.
How do I tell my handsome, young, vital, strong husband that he will be losing his leg in the next 24 hours.
OK this joke has to end.

Dan kicked its ass, and 6 months later returned to work with a hobble but  recovered.
He is and was a walking miracle.


Thanks for all the life lessons GOD I truly appreciate it.
But I am done.

"Mrs. Simon, you have breast cancer" as I type these words I am not in ownership yet.
I've vacillated from what to do for weeks now. Looking for the decision to be made on Face Book or from a stranger.
I know its MY choice.
But I'm tired.
I'm exhausted actually....

Maybe if I wasn't so happy with my boobs this would be easier to swallow. You wanna take my stomach or my thighs, my ass its all yours...

"Your boobs do not define you."
That's so not the point.
I hear you.

But I have cancer?
Yuck no friggen way.
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww


I put my big girl panties on just the other day and realized I can make good of this.

Already in just the past 3 weeks I have 3 friends that booked their mammogram because of me. Hey that's a start.
But I believe I have a higher purpose.
Bring on the strobe lights and Organ music...

Because if I don't that would mean GOD is just fucking with me and that's just not right.

I was reborn when I lost my father.
I began to live each day with a smile every morning as my feet hit the floor. To see something new even if its just to stop and appreciate the colony on ants on my driveway.
I decided to sing more and giggle as often as possible.

To truly be PRESENT in every second I have.

I got it.

Reminder was Natie...
To love deeper.
To accept everyone.
To celebrate differences.
To cherish all and learn from them.
To smile and to kiss...
To hold on longer.

Two kids going off to college, OK I rode the pity train for a bit.
Taught me to let go and to appreciate every ounce of them and their own personal growth.

You have breast cancer.

I'm waiting for this purpose.
Haha.....
New club-No thanks.
New friends?
Too many now to see.
Get to wear pink ribbons.
Are you kidding me?

New boobies.
OUCH.... 6-9 months to recover.

Not looking forward to the sleepless nights, pain....icky oozing..
But BRA less forever?
Now were talking.

I will be turning the page on my next chapter.
Please don't run away when I lose my mojo and my inspiration becomes full of 4 letter swear words.
Gotta be my authentic self.

This is gonna suck.
This we know.
But I have tattoos picked out for the scars..
Friends to make me laugh.
Kids to cuddle.
Support from my husband that puts up with my many personalities and a village of strength.

 I got this.
Because real talk,
whats my alternative?
Seriously
Whats my choice?
To fall down and claim defeat?
To let the tears sting my cheeks like acid rain?
To not wake up and to never smell the freshly ground coffee again.
Hell no.

I'm living baby.
My way.
Full of swear words and painted on glitter.
Straight shooting .
NO time for nonsense,
authentic
ME.
So if you don't mind I will end this with,
This just sucks.
Truly it does.
No pity or sorries- you all know how I hate that.

Cancer sucks.

I promise to wear it proudly.
 I have breast cancer.
Fuck.

I am who I am.


Bam.

My London with a splash of Paris.

Shall I begin by stating that I never thought in my lifetime I would have the fortune to travel abroad?
Shall I continue with, I can barely believe that I went.
And now I am back:(
 I was there.
 I sat at their tables, in their restaurants.

 

Mingled with their folk...shopped...laughed, slept, visited and explored in a place that I only believed was alive within the pixels of a movie screen.

I am the chosen one.
The one who was able to sleep the entire journey there.
Hahhahahahhaha.
Yes- I didn't even feel the pain.
None of it.

I arrived to a squeal of pure raw delight as I spotted my daughter ahead of me.
 No words can describe the  love within that moment.
 Mommy was there and all was right in the world.

I was escorted by my tall, gorgeous, newly independent daughter through the streets, the boutiques and shops of London.
 I had shin splints by the 2nd day.
As an athlete and a ripe 20 year old her stride was close to killing me.

Crazy ugly shoes kept me alive.

All photos have been cropped to forget my fashion faux pas:)
London was a surprise.
Reminded me of Manhattan.

Paris was another story. 

I walked out of the black and white subtitled movie that I have watched for ages and my feet actually touched the cobblestone streets of old Paris....I shouted daily "OMG this is exactly what I had imagined!"

My daughter, exhausted by my sheer voice wasn't amused.

Brilliant, gorgeous architecture, structures, corners and streets took my breath away.

Or maybe I was once again out of breath as my daughter was walking in marathon fashion.

I was told that I would stick out.
American.

Hahahah.
I didn't.
I blended right in.
There fashion was NOT ahead of ours....

Due to my tall blonde escort most assumed we were from Germany or Holland.

Until we would try to pronounce something on the menu as if our waiter was hard of hearing.

 We shouted in our ridiculous pretend accent and humiliated ourselves through many pubs and eateries.

I saw it all.
I teared at the sheer sight of the Louvre.
I was thrilled when my daughter found her lock on lock bridge.  She placed it there many months prior.
I really do BELIEVE.
I was stunned by my daughters ability to care for me as we rode more trains in my 10 days than I have ridden in my lifetime...

London I like you. Paris I believe I am in love.

 Funny what I will take away from my 10 amazing days isn't a museum or an expensive scarf boutique....Its the realization that we are all the same.
Exactly the same.

I was blessed to not only meet but hang out with my daughters new London friends.
There voices all as sweet as a lullaby.

I listened as they spoke about love and life.
I listened when a stunning girl said she disliked her skin color and wished it was more like mine.
Huh...
I have spray tanned my lungs orange to look like you..

The words took my breath away.

She was honest and real. Yet as stunning as the day is long.

We all suffer.
Accents and all.
Queens Palace, Gucci and Nutella we all live the same life. Same roads, different paths maybe.
But the same pains, fears, hopes and dreams.
The accents of sweetness may hide the truths for a moment.
But reality sits within all of us.

Indonesia, Paris, Israel. Madrid, USA....we are all the same.
Black, white, Down Syndrome.....We all want the same.

We all shed the same salty tears.
Gain the same weight.
Hurt the same way and learn as we go.

My trip across the pond was full of magical, life changing sights.
My adventure brought me closer to my daughter.
 I love her more than life itself.
I tripped over my pride as I watched her grow and mature right before my blood shot green tired eyes.

My trip widened my pupils and brought me to see.

We are all just the same.

Screwed up.
Messy at times.
Scared.
Lonely.
Different.
Perplexed.

We all want and need the same things.

Happiness.
Love.
Attention.
Honesty.
Peace.
Harmony.
Grace.
Acceptance.
Understanding.
Inclusion.
Laughter.
Security.
Safety.
and
more
LOVE.


How about we give it more than we take?!

How about we teach more than we learn?!
Love more than we hate?!
Talk less.
Listen more.

Thanks London and Paris you gifted me more than chocolate crepes and cider.

You gave me immeasurable gifts once again.

To love.
Live and let live.
To accept and appreciate.

Accents and all.
Fish and chips with a side of vinegar.

We truly are one.

Lets start acting that way.

Bam.