I am....do this for yourself!

I want you all to do me a favor.
Actually do this for yourself!

Get out a piece of paper,
a pen and go to a quiet space.
Write down "I am" on the top of the paper.
Think.
Think about who you are.

Go wild with your thoughts.
Collect them and write.
Do not care about spelling or justifying.
Just purge.

Write it down honestly.
Do not think.
Free your mind of justifications.
Just write.
Write down the words that define YOU.

Start with your name. That is who you are, right?
 I am,
Holly.

Flow with straight from the hip words, sentences, poetry- anything.
Just write.
Write for today and yesterday and tomorrow.
Write for who you are going to be in 20 years.

I am,

Holly

A mom, a daughter a sister and a friend.
I am tall, bold, scared. amazed, glittery, tired, amazing, learning, beautiful, talkative, kind, untamed, loyal, successful, warrior, loved, wild, confident.
Frightened, wounded, open, honest, confident, resilient, positive, hungry, expanding, open,
glittery, fashionable, bruised, refreshing, big, loud, inquisitive, expanding, saggy, exhausted, warrior, loyal, pissed, happy, interesting, interested, powerful .. Exaggerated, silly, creative, fierce, talented, artistic, illiterate, funny, bright and blessed.

My list continues with each new day.
I can erase the few that I do not wish to be.
That is my choice.

Lord knows the Breast Cancer curve ball has added a few new words to my 'I am' list.

Keep the paper in sight.
Hang on your wall or keep by your computer.
Enjoy your morning coffee with the first sips of acceptance.
You are who YOU are.
YOU can change those words, the line up or erase them all together.
YOU can.
Mine is mine,
Hands off.

You may notice that my list is in turmoil.
Happy yet frightened.
We all have a myriad of emotions and feelings that define us.
Yet its up to US who we become with a new day.

Do you get it yet?

Its your choice the words that define you. The most important words in the world.
I am...
Make them important and jump off the page.
Any less would be a waste.

Re-write if you must but keep on filling the page with words that dance off the page....

I hope you get it...

I am who I am and I am HOLLY.
Yippeeeeeee.

Secrets

I have so many secrets.
Don't we all?
I'm pretty open, honest and a constant straight shooter.

Yet, I carry a boat load of secrets underneath my glittery existence.

I've come to believe its actually the secrets that keep us strong. 

WE spend a lifetime covering them up.
To protect others from seeing or feeling our pain.
The mask we wear so our parents dont feel our failures.
The makeup we adorn so our kids do not see our defeat.

 Bandages, tears, nightmares, alcohol, drugs, sleeping pills, hot fudge sundaes.
All covered by multi dimensional thick skinned scars.
Warrior wounds that keep us strong.

I believe in choice.
I believe you really can make the most of your choices.
 Truth is,
I'm scared.
Tired, lifeless and wounded.
But MY choice is which box to place that shit in.

Seems like MY boxes overflow quickly.
 I'm not complaining just reality.

So instead of carrying that burden on my very week shoulders, I toss the boxes away.
I don't store them to reopen later.

Whats the advantage of that??

We all have boxes. Some people have so  many boxes full of shit they are unable to see past the mound.
I'm here to say-
I've felt pain.
I have shed tears.
More than most can imagine.

I have loved and lost.
I have witnessed incredible sadness.
I have stood still when my body was in shock by the worlds cruelness.
I have heard words no child should hear.
I have been taken advantage of.
Bruised,
Cut and lied too.

I'm not any of that shit.

I am my new shit.

Holly.
I may sound mad, angry pissed off.
Maybe I am-
 I am allowed.

People have said to me "If you didn't have bad luck you wouldn't have any luck at all."
Do people really hear what they are saying?
Serious IDIOTS.

I'm here to hear you, you moron.

Looks like I have nothing but LUCK.

My shit hasn't killed me.
It ain't gonna kill me now.
So my choice is to see the luck in the BS.

Tossing the BS boxes into the Lake and carrying on with a HOLLYWEAR bag.

I have choices.
So do you.
Never forget that.
Its simple stuff.

Today I choose to smile and enjoy 2 cups of tea...

Strength truly comes from within my friends.

I have no magic pill.
 NO great words of amazing wisdom.
Just buck up and enjoy.

If you are here to read this it means you have been gifted another day.

Lets toss our boxes in the lake all at the same time.
Who needs them any longer.
If you choose to keep yours
be my guest to carry my load as well.

You're a crazy Mother F*cker if you don't learn this as quickly as possible...
Truth is we only have one life.

Live it.
Now.