Cancer still sucks.

Gia showed up on day of surgery- had me LOL.

It will be a year in June when the phone call came.

A whirlwind of awfulness came upon me with that one call.

I try to look back and digest all that I have been through, how far I have come.
But I cannot.
My brain literally freezes and there is no memory.
Maybe a few slide show single second shots but those are immediately erased from my mind.
My mind races.
I fear I am psychotic.

There are times I can hardly bare the thought of nighttime.
Closing my eyes brings in the technicolor whirlwind of a year in hell passing right in front of me.

I know I HAD Breast Cancer.

 My scars are quite evident.
Why do I feel as though it was an out of body experience?
 I am not certain.
Denial?
Probably.

Damn I am good at that.


It scares me at times, I feel like I am in an old black and white.
A frightening, dark, often at the edge of your seat war movie of sadness, suffering and great pain.
Truly,
As if I have been to battle.

Ugh drains are awful...

Chemo is NOT for the timid...

Witnessed awful sights, endured great pain, and feeling the guilt of walking past the ones who were not able to make it on their "journey".

(This is no Fucking journey. That sounds like a vacation...THIS is hell. No need to mince words)

Maybe you will never understand.
Maybe I wont either.

My final day of radiation came.
Walking past 2 new friends in the waiting room. Both with greater odds against them than me.
Tears flew down my cheeks like acid rain. Not because I had won.

But because others will not.

I was sickened.
I felt such sadness, my knees began to buckle.
But I knew I couldn't stay.

The BOSS.

I couldn't save them all.

Its a hellish nightmare.
Probably good that I am able to bury.
I do fear the day it comes back.

Will I be able to see the past?

Bare the memories?

Will my mind stir in the mental game that plays out every night as I try to lie to sleep?
The what ifs,
The unknowns.
The fear of something happening to my children.
Dear God, this hell never stops.
I just pretend better than anyone that it was all just a bleep.
A moment in time.
When actually it will haunt me forever.

I have been waiting to receive my ah-ha moment.

I wait for it every day.

Will it be a knock at the door?

To eat healthier, to work out regularly?
Not happening.
Same fat, non moving Holly here.

Just had ice cream for dinner

Cancer gave me a louder voice.
One that talks no bullshit.
Takes none either.

Most days I get it.
The point.

That I get the chance to teach, to soar, to speak.
I get that I can make a difference.
Every new day gives me the fresh blank canvas to start my new oil painting.
I can literally paint any damn thing I want too.
Imagine that.
ANYTHING I CHOOSE.
Wow.
Do you get that?
You get to choose?
Lipstick on?
Game face..
Ready to rumble....

Surgery, losing your boobies.
Drains, so disgusting and painful.
Chemo an evil almost to vile to bring up.
Tried to kill me as my body begged for mercy.
Shriveled up in agony, wondering if death was a better choice.
Radiation,
3rd degree burns and the deepest shooting pain that my lip gloss could not cover.



Everyone asks me if now I am cured?
Cured from what?
My mind is a fricken battle ground.
I am afraid to answer.
The little demon of cancer sits quietly on top of my shoulder, reminding me daily that it is merely a phone call a way.

Where is that damn wake up call?

The one that negates sugar from my diet?
The one that first thing Monday morning has you  joining a boot camp?
Dammit I am totally pissed.

Cancer SUCKS.

I hope no one sees it on me.
Its not something I have ever wanted to wear.
But the scars remain.
On my body and in my mind...
 
I had ice cream for dinner.

My friendships deepened.
I cleaned house.
I let go of some shit and held tight to others.
I realized that the dirty clothes will still be there in the morning.
That my kids are only as good as today.
That I am who I am with no apologies.
To simply say NO.
To walk away when necessary.
To run back if need be.
I learned that kindness is absolutely underrated.

That angels truly do walk among us.

I just had breakfast with my darling BFF Gia.
I told her all about my personal disgust.
She like many others know the crazy mindset of Hollys-world.
But perspective is what she's good at and it came out crystal clear.

I learned that asking for help is OK.
That some people are stupid.
I learned that I can be too.
I learned that when you need someone they might not be there.
But if you look around someone else just might be.

I learned to shoot from the hip and take no prisoners.
You're a victim?
Make a change, start a new.
I talk a good talk.
But damn where is my wake up call.

Too bad, no time for a pity party here.

I learned that most waste their youth.
I learned that health is truly the only thing that matters.
I love deeper and am present when I hug.

I don't care about the nonsense.
I care about the NOW.

I just had ice cream for dinner.

I learned that you may become a member to a club that you want no part of.

That you truly can withstand more pain than you ever thought possible.
That family, the ones inside your 4 walls are who count.
The rest is just plain not your business.
I have learned to give more.
Really give.
Give it all even when you think you have nothing.
It just feels good.

I have learned that being your authentic self means to be YOU.
Friends will gather around you...
Strangers will open their hearts.
Your door will ring and notes will come that literally give you life.
Words are spoken and generosity takes on a new meaning.
Goodness gets you through.

I learned that we all pray, maybe just to different Gods.
But beliefs are real and so is the sunrise.

Yes I have learned to be frightened beyond belief.
To weather pain that I thought would end me.
To clench my teeth in hopes it would all just go away.
To black out my mind to the unknowns and what ifs.

I learned that its ALL about the CHOICE.

To show up.
With lip stick on, a bottle of spray tan and a cute pair of shoes.
I learned to say hello and mean it.
I learned to make the best of a shitty situation.
To literally fake it till you make it.
That its OK to be scared just don't bring that to the table.
To protect as best as you can with all that you have.

What if my ah-ha moment never comes?
What if it already did and I missed it?

Holy shit..
what if I remain the same size?
Eating crappy food and sitting on the sofa?
What If.....

I am who I am

I had ice cream for dinner.

Dear Cancer

Tomorrow will be my last (HOPEFULLY) day of chemo!!!!!!!!

(BELLS, Chimes, Whistles, High fives, band music, trumpets...choir_)

I cannot even begin to explain how much I hate cancer.

I loathe you cancer.
I'm not even ashamed to admit how you've hurt me.

You were thrown into my life early,
as I was unfortunate enough to watch my father crumble in front of my young eyes by your destruction.
You took a statuesque man and brought him to his knees.
I watched his gigantic life wither away into nothing.
Death.
YOU killed him.
Nothing worse than watching, with nothing to grab onto, no life vest to save him.
Drowning-
Both of us.

I kept the ugliness of cancer buried deep down inside of me as it was just too painful to resurrect.
I miss my father so damn much.
Cancer you killed him.
For that I will never forgive or forget.

I didn't welcome you into my life.
You took me by surprise.
Actually you took my breath away.
 You bitch.
Thinking you can just walk right in and destroy me.
You certainly tried.
You had no idea who I was or what I was made of.
You sat quietly inside my breast until I caught a glimpse of you.
Tricky.

Like a snake.
Funny thing you didn't realize about me..
I'm not going anywhere.
No joke and no deal to be made.
You have pissed me off.
Disgusted me.
I am done.
You're done.
You are gone from my magnificent life.

Chemo which is designed to cure you of this ugly will also try to break you.
Chemo I despise you too. 

Yes you can be a friend if you heal.
 But you're an evil poison and definitely not meant for the timid.
You knocked me on my ass a few times.
You sure did.
Crying myself to sleep, shit crying all day.

Days, into weeks into months.

Holly style trudged through.
Painted on my lipstick and lived. (at least putting on a good show!)

Hardest thing I have ever done.
WAS TO LIVE.
While you wanted to kill me.

You will not win.
YOU were not invited.

Cancer you are twisted, mean and sneaky.

 You are hated more than anything I can imagine.
You cannot just come into someones life and turn it upside down, without a lesson learned.

You almost broke me.
Yes, I said almost broke me.

My friends would not allow you to do that to me.
My family never wavered.
You were just not welcomed into my soul.

I finally got to see the light .....
Chemo almost behind me.
Radiation awaits and I hear that's a breeze.

There is no wrapping paper, ribbons or bows for this.
Breast cancer, cancer of any kind is the scariest 6 letter word I have heard.

I wonder how long it takes to forget you.

The surgery, the scars, the pain, the drains, fears, phone calls, doctor visits, insurance, more appointments, sickness, more pain, fear, and more fear...
 Sleepless nights, moments of shear terror.

Where do you put that?
Where does that go?

I hate you so damn much. 

I hate what happens to me when I bring you to mind.

The fears I buried...The tears that swelled my eyes, the unknowns and the hurdles to jump through.

Damn I really miss my hair.
Silly in the scheme of things?
Yes- but I really miss my hair.
Its a part of me.
I hate wigs and hats and scarves.
I hate you cancer and I hate what you taught me.

You made me look death right in the eyes. 
I did not want to do that.
Then you made me look into the eyes of my kids and wonder what would happen if I was gone...

Who in the hell do you think you are? 

You are the worst of all evil and my hate is real.
But I cannot hang onto that forever.
Actually I cannot hang onto it at all.




I'm forgiving you.
I have too.
Cancer my dear, you can take your shit straight back to hell, and on your way let the demons know who they tried to mess with.

I preach that we all have choices.
Damn now its my turn to listen and learn.
I will take my hate and turn it into compassion.
I will take my fears and wrap LIFE and living around it.
I will carry the lessons that family and friends bestowed upon me daily and pass the goodness forward.
I will not take a single breath for granted.
I promise to share my good fortune with everyone.
I will continue to advocate for the ones that need a voice.
I will at the very least take the love and pride you all gifted upon me.

Cancer I hate you.

But hate will destroy me.
I will not allow that.

I want to live.
Big and bold and raw.
Holly Style.

Don't you dare come back as I will kick your ass again.
And by the way don't try messing with any of my family or friends.
I have your number now and I am ready and strong enough to destroy you.
 Game on bitch.
I'm winning.