Real life.

 

Life sure isn’t easy, sometimes it can really kick your ass while others can safely slide through without even a scratch.
I really want to be one of those people.
I am completely covered in bruises and scratches from life, and quite frankly I'm done.


I have pondered why life has beaten me up so many times.
I don’t stay in that space long, I’m afraid what it could do to me. So I choose to forge forward even when I feel as though the wind has been knocked out of me.

I wrote a Facebook post the other day about being sexually molested when I was 16 years old.

I wrote it after I heard about the Matt Lauer story and how everyone was saying what a great guy he is.
Criminals and evil people come in all shapes and sizes. We all judge others but maybe we should start looking inside first.
I wrote my post to set it free and to educate others that there is no shame.
I kept that secret for 35 years. I decided to write about it in my book so I had to tell my husband and my children.
I was humiliated, I was scared and to see my daughters face was devastating. I was naive back then but it was not my fault. I was raped and I buried it so it could never hurt me again.

I suppose it’s true what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.
I took my post down almost immediately because everyone was saying they were sorry. It was 35 years ago and I am OK. I want other women to realize it’s OK to speak the truth.
I have lost the shame. 

I have lost the fear.
I have lost the embarrassment.
I am proud to be authentic as it is what shapes me as a woman.
Yes, I’ve thought about what I could’ve done and should’ve done.
I suppose the only justice would be that he has had a shitty life. I know his name. I remember his face.
So many women are afraid to speak the truth for fear of the repercussions. Maybe for fear that their reputation will be soiled.
I am here to say that I am a fierce warrior.
So are you, I believe that.

He was a criminal and I was a victim.
I do not choose to live my life as a victim any longer.
Wherever you are Jeff I hope you’re miserable because that is what you deserve.
I have also learned later in life to set free everything that binds you.

The truth for me is so healing. I was recently diagnosed with neuropathy.
I’ve spent many days bawling my eyes out.
I asked the doctor why me? Why does the shoe drop every fucking day?
Why do some go their entire life without a tear or pain and I am left with a bountiful?
He had no answers, he handed me the box of Kleenex as he knew the river was about to flow.

He reminded me that I had cancer. He reminded me that it could come back. He reminded me that sometimes people get shitty luck and I am just one of them.
I left and cried in my car. Never feeling more alone in my life.
I came home and cried to my husband. But then my kids walked in. I’m not shielding the truth from them, I’m just showing them what it’s like to get up and represent.
When my Feet hit the floor in the morning, I am walking on broken glass, the pain in my body 24/ 7 is possibly chemo induced. My doctor said the nerves have been damaged and they will never go back to normal.
I don’t want to live like this.
But what is my alternative?

With facing so many adversities my only choice is to live authentically and to preach my gospel.
My doctor even asked me how I go on?
Reminding me that even Doctors need answers.
I was proud to say that if I didn’t keep moving forward you would find me in the fetal position on my sofa.
My passion for children with special abilities and my immense love for my children keeps me searching for happiness.
I’m not Oprah or Maya Angelo, I am Holly Simon.
And despite the fact that I have chronic pain throughout my entire body which will never go away, I will continue to live a spectacular life. 

I always preach that we have choices.
Believe me they are difficult to make.
But I choose to do more for other people, as I have found the love that comes back is tenfold.

You see we all have our strengths and weaknesses.
I believe I was put on this earth To show others that we can make the best out of our shitty circumstance.
Like the beautiful lotus flower that rises so magnificently through the mud. She shines with radiant color as if a miracle has been created.
I am on to Chinese medicine as I am searching for hope. I am not searching for sorry's, I don’t do well with pity. I’m looking for love.
I am looking for honest and loyal friendships that will understand that being human we have choices to rise.
We need each other. This I believe with all of my heart.
Words can lift even the ugliest of times.

I often joke with my friends that if the "Public" knew the truth, meaning if your peers knew what your daily life was REALLY like, their jaw would drop.
SUPERMAN right here. Baggy sweats and huge bags under my eyes but TRUTH.
Lets do the math.
I have 5 kids.
Each with a completely different personality. Extremes actually.
All NEEDY.
All have me scared to death every damn day.
Not much time to think about the melanoma on my leg, or the fact that it takes a Micheal Jackson cocktail to get me to sleep.
Human.
That's what we are.

Some-days I find the tears cutting through my cheeks like acid rain. Depressed with the worlds problems falling on my shoulders.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Am I going bonkers?

Insane??

Nope just me.

The circle of life.

The highs and the lows.

You fall then you get back up.

 

Blood,

Tears, 

Fears,

Bills, 

Pains...
Oh my god.
I like milk chocolate and I laugh like a hyena when my kids get hurt.
I get happy with cotton socks and yes I bought 3 pairs from the Internet while sleepwalking for $60.00.
I am on TV,
magazines,
radio.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhah.
Sometimes people recognize me.
I got a free slab of ribs at a restaurant because the cook had just seen me on ABC.
That's some funny shit.




They think my life is awesome.
They think I have it all....
I can't write with a pen anymore.
My hands cramp up.
I have to get a brain scan soon because I am beginning to slur my words and forget where I parked my car.


My mom has dementia and she is sharper lately than I am.
Heaven help.


To laugh.
To giggle.
To see the wonders of the world.
To stop and talk to someone, learn about them. Hear their story...
It makes you feel worthy of the breath you take.


 

I say I love you more.
I may not always hear it back.
But that's OK.
I like to gift..
It is who I am.
Holly Simon.

A complete mad mess. A crazy obsessed shoe shopper with more jewelry that anyone can wear in a lifetime.
I wonder about the people I have yet to meet.
I wonder if they will think about me.

Remember me?
Will it be enough?

Did I do enough?

Did I love my children enough to where they can carry it deep withing their soul? 

For eternity?

God I hope so.

Do not be fooled by the smile.

Pay attention.

Read between the lines and extend your hands.

Your words.

Your heart..


I want to see something new.
Hopefully with each new dawn brings me a new sight, smell, touch and friend.
We need each other.
We need to rise even if we sometimes fall.

I am here to catch you, this I promise. My hands are full but there is always room for more.
Delight in this world with me.
Please.