35 years ago...

Life.

A million years ago when I was 18 my life as I knew it took a drastic turn.

As I'm telling you this story, I hope that you have seen the movie The Notebook. Just keep that in mind.

I remember being 18 years old. Graduated early from High School.

 My bikini clad self went to spend the day at Oak street beach. A little fight broke out and I stood up to watch. Highly doubtful I stood up to help. I think I weighed 118lbs soaking wet. I remember meeting a young man and I instantly became enamored. He was GORGEOUS! I'm sure we exchanged stories and the very next day while at work this total hunk walked into the store! Speechless- as I was officially meeting my very first "REAL" boyfriend.

His name was Kevin and he grew up on the opposite side of the tracks than I did.
He was a body builder and as sweet as they come.
I fell head over heels.
At least I thought so.

I was also finishing beauty school.
One day out of no where my new boyfriend tells me that he has to leave.
Move away.
No real explanation.
HUH...

My father died from Cancer in the next few months and I was lost.
I remember Kevin calling our house phone and my mom answered. "Are you a man or a mouse?" she asked him.

Wtf does that even mean?

He eventually landed in Virginia. We wrote letters and spoke on the phone. (I still have the beautiful handwritten letters.)
 Once he had enough money he sent me an airline ticket to visit. I for the very first time felt "Grown up".
Gosh I loved him.  I was so excited to see him again.
Welcome to Alexandria, Virginia.

So what if we went to his bosses house for dinner and I puked all over everything, including myself. Maybe a tad over-served.
Embarrassed?
You bet.
But fighting for my love was more important.
I cooked, cleaned and made him dinner.
We slept on a book bag filled with socks as a pillow.

Ok



Returning home I saw my future.
With Kevin. Clear as day.

Funny as that was 35 years ago and I can still smell him.
Jovan musk.

We wrote letters by hand:) and I held onto promises of us.

Then one day I received an invitation.

It was to his wedding.

SHE knew of me and sent me the invite a few weeks after the nuptials.
"Leave MY man alone" was loud and clear.

I think there are still pieces of my heart shattered from that day.
Took me forever to swallow my pride and move on.
Damn did that hurt.
I dont think that feeling will ever go away.
Lost love.
Lost hopes.
Dreams.
Destiny.

The tears stung like acid rain.
Permanently leaving scars that remain to this day.

Always wondering..
Why?
What if?

Eventually.
My life became exactly what I had hoped. An amazing husband, 5 great children, a wonderful career.

Outstanding kids actually. All incredibly unique. All gifting me more love and more respect than the day before.
Nathaniel our gift from God, well his pure existance changed my path for the better.
Who knew this hairdresser that cheated her way out of High School would now be on the radio, on TV and have written a book? The journey is an ever winding path of whatever we choose.

But what if?

I searched for Kevin for decades. I even called the Maury Povich show. They claimed to have found him, but I chickened out. OK Dan said "Absolutely not."

Wonder can kill.

Facebook.
Instagram
Nothing.

My daughter had this adorable boyfriend in College.

First love.
 She came back to Chicago, he stayed in little Iowa.
Her heart has hurt ever since.
Wondering what if...

One night, on one of my famous 'I CANT SLEEP' episodes I searched Facebook again for Kevin.

Knowing that I hadn't found him in 35 years, but why not.

Actually I thought I found him a decade ago, I called that Kevin, yet the man said that he wasn't MY Kevin, I swore he was in hiding and that I really did find him. It killed me that he pretended not to be himself.
Hahahah I am nuts.
Do you see that my life is a damn sitcom....

 BUT ALAS...
My heart skipped a beat.

I might of had a heart attack.
Shaking and totally freaking out...

THERE HE WAS.

HOLY SHITBALLS.
Now what do I do?
I panicked and I wrote him a lil message.

No reply.

Jesus this is killing me.

So what did Holly do?

I messaged his wife.

Come on no judgement.
I am no threat...
hahahahaha.

She was lovely and wrote back immediately.
She said that he wanted me to call him.

Now I am in cardiac arrest.

 I called and his voice was the sweetest melody of days-years-decades gone by.
We caught up, and the obvious assumption on why he bolted 35 years ago was answered as he spoke of his 35 year old son.

His honesty was refreshing.
His humor intact.

But then came real life and I wasn't prepared for that.

I yearned for the fairy tale.

Kevin had fallen off a building and was off of work for 10 years, fracturing his skull.
My heart was bleeding.

We spoke again and my tears just kept pouring down my skin leaving an even bigger scar than before.
 He said something to me that I will never forget.

I mentioned how much I had missed him over the years.

"I did you a favor Holly by leaving you." 

Gulp.

"You wouldn't be who you are today if I hadn't." 

EPIC.

What a gift to unwrap.

If only Lindsey could see what I see.
Maybe in 35 years she will.

Shortly after reconnecting with Kevin, my heart still a tad hallow, I was massively alerted that my great LOVE Anthony Bourdain had killed himself.

Then my fave Kate Spade.

My heart can no longer feel.

Sometimes I am completely numb to the universe and all that is ugly.
I fear that I am getting cold as I weather through storms without getting wet.

So much to live for.
So much to see.

To touch.
To respect.
To laugh.
Love.
Honor.
Give.

So much.

So fucking much.

Boldly waking up covered in aches and pains.
Fearing the nights that the kids are not in their beds tucked in safe and sound.
Wondering if the C will come back. Believe me when I tell you THAT fear is a tiny devil on your shoulder, ever so softly saying, "Holly LIVE, LIVE BIG now, as tomorrow isn't promised."

Will I have anything left to go on?

Will I?

Will YOU?


Watching the news.
Kids dying.
President hating.
Fights
War
Economy in crisis.
Bills
Fears
Tears
Pain.

Loading up my baked potato with all the extras.

I'm gonna LIVE.
No looking back.
NO damn regrets.

 This is MY LIFE and I'm creating the dialogue and movement on a day to day basis. No parade, shoot I will create my own.

No room for sadness 
No room for drama
No room for cruelty or fear.

Holding onto all that I love and thanking GOD and Kevin for giving me myself.

I will always "Love" you Kevin, especially for letting me go....

I am who I am.

Welcome Lindsey our next Bachlorette:)

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Amazing isn't it that you can have a life changing AH-Hah moment at anytime anywhere, at any age.

The dream is intoxicating! 
The thought that your life has the possibility to change in an instant is almost too much to bear.

For the good or the bad it takes a mere second in time. I'm gonna focus on the good second. Not the shitty ass second where life can be gone, damaged, heartbroken, devastated. That crap is for the Eeyores of the world. I can't focus solely on the yuck.
The ones that I keep far away from my circle. (I think my life is more like a triangle anyway.)

Yep- the good second.

One of my many LOVES, Anthony Bourdain was recently spotted talking about his amazing life changing moment. You know I love him, and he loves me....

He was saying that in his 40's he was pretty low, unable to pay his rent, unable to keep a job, gas company calling, electricity being shut off. He was lost and 'broken' as I say.  (He failed to mention that he was a major drug addict, heroin and meth I believe...)
It took one step. OK, maybe for him it was a leap, but it was a forward motion. 
 He decided to submit a story to a local paper. He thought he was a loser, never to be heard.
Never.
Yep, a few days later the Editor called him, saying his writing was wonderful and powerful and they were going to put his story to print.

He feared sending this paper in for the longest time. Fear of rejection was all too consuming.
Yep, he sent in a story. It really was that simple.

He was sure no one would call.

But they did.
Yes, they did.

I hate getting knocked down. 
Who likes rejection?
To those that think I drink my tea out of china and shit rainbows...well you're wrong.
I drink my tea out of a mug....

So Anthony, although I like to call him Tony has given my girlfriend an AH- HAH moment. Today.
I think she has had a million but this one stuck.
Moral of this story?
At any single second of any given day you can do something to move a fricken mountain.
YOU can do this, anything actually.
One foot in front of the other.
Wanna be a writer?
Write.
Cant spell?
Me either.
Write.

Want to start a business.
Put the pen to the paper and make it be.

The other day a lovely nurse came into my room after my exam.
"Look at how old my hands look?!" I stupidly said.
"Omg they are not bad, your so cool, I wanna be hip like you when I grow up."

No I didn't kick her teeth in, I took the back handed compliment, shoved it into my purse and ran the hell out of there.

I've never wanted to BE someone else.
 Not at all, not even Ellen or Oprah. (OK, maybe Angelina when she was married to Brad...come on now....:)
They have their own set of problems. More than we realize I bet.
No one really wants to look inside my purse, do they?
Fave quote?
"We all have a chapter that we don't want read out loud."
Hell straight!
I don't wanna read it let alone re-live the bullshit.

Be me?
Go right ahead.

5 kids no stretch marks but I do have a momma gut that cannot be spanxed.
Bills...hahaha I live like I am rich, my poor hubby works overtime to fund my shoe addiction. (He knew this when he met me....complete authenticity..)

5 kids means 5 GIGANTIC set of problems.
Self absorbed, spoiled, pretentious, ignorant and bossy. Shit that's only one of them:)

Kidding
Not kidding.

I like who I have become.
From the shy, scared high school student to the fierce as fuck cancer survivor. 
Warrior? Sometimes. But that's just fine.
I am who I am.

 
I just heard Dr. Phil say that we are formed by the age of 7. Mentally who we will always be.
BULLSHIT again.
I form every friggen day above ground.

So can you.
A new site a new smell, a new friend. That's BUILDING!
I am who I am and I can get better and better if I can handle the challenge.

And dammit yes I can.

Ah- hah moment.

Not happy?
Move, you are not a tree.

Hate something?
Let it go, let them go....shut the door, no slam the damn door.

An open cleaned out doorway will allow something better to come in.
Gotta clean out the cobwebs from time to time.
So today I'm writing and recoloring my overly processed hair.

I get ah-hah moments on the daily.
Open yourself up to the possibilities.
I dont get why you're still sitting there.
watching the TV screen.

Do something, make it happen.
BE THE CHANGE!

So hallmark you say?
Too cliche?
Yep I am the quote queen but I can still run circles around Maury Povich.
Come on lets change the world.


What are you waiting for?