Damn this whole reunion buzz is truly killing me...

I would like for all of you to pretend with me that this is merely my 10th,
Or even maybe my 20th reunion.
 All for the sake of fun.
Because once I actually swallow the 30 years entirely, I often feel a gigantic anxiety attack coming on.
Why? You ask.
Because 30 flippen years has flown by and I pray to G-d that I get another good 30.

 With what its worth that maybe if I try really , really hard its a happier go around.

Please do not assume that I mean I have not been happy. Surely I have been and am.
But in Holly's world there is always a chance for vast improvement and humongous growth.

30 years. What have I done?
What have you done?
Are you happy?
At 'Happy's' fullest potential?
Satisfied?
Is life as YOU know it where YOU want it to be?



Funny that I'm asking such questions.
 Lately I have come to see with utmost clarity how f#cked up my world around me is.

 And how shattered people in my world are.

Definitely some NOT by choice,
But some for certain have chosen their path.

Yes I am honest, and to the point and maybe a bit too much at times. But reality is what I see and hear.

You see I have created "Holly's world"...a place all my own.
I will invite you in if you would care to join.
 But its a positive place.
No room for chaos and negativity.
Too much of that elsewhere.
 I choose this crazy bus as my means for transportation. If I ride alone, no biggie, I know the way.
 So many of us are searching for something.
"Happiness"
no definition.
Just to be happy.
Each persons happiness cannot be defined by another.
It is uniquely owned and uniquely displayed.
Fear, sadness, anxiety seem to consume so many.


Lord knows I do not have the answers.

I spend most of my days under the "I don't want to think about it" cloak.

An amazing cloak of many colors, fabrics, textures and patterns.
You may say I wear many different hats.
I suppose trying them all on to see exactly what fits best.

My day was gut wrenching as I spoke with Natie's school and was reminded of his obvious gap between his cognitive ability and his peers.

Then to top it off a lovely visit with my mom turned into her telling me how she wants to be buried.

Yes- for most of this day I was trying to take a breath.
Merely to not turn blue.
Close to cold and broken, plus the lack of oxygen, I was fighting back tears.
And fighting back what tomorrow will bring.

So here I go on another reunion.
Another chance to walk in the door and enter the room.

Did my last 30 years count.
Will they be remembered.
Can't have a do over...can I?

I am amazed by some friends God given beauty.

Stunning, chiseled faces. Sculpted bodies and adornments fit for royalty.
I often remind my children that they were blessed with some of their  'qualities' right out of the gate.
Meaning,
my son Nathaniel was not granted the ability to memorize the constitution, or given straight teeth.  The bridge of his nose is not structured, that he has to try harder at EVERYTHING.
Just to be EQUAL.

That people will judge him at first sight.

That he struggles with diction,
that his low muscle tone will not allow him to play contact sports.
That math is merely impossible to master.
Nate has no idea about space and time. No idea about tomorrow or 30 years for that matter.
Alas,
Nate is a God send.
A true gift.

But out of the gate he struggles.
He may have a smile brightly plastered across his dirty little face but he struggles.
And so do I.

But the difference is....
The LESSON I have learned.
The nut I choose to swallow is profound.
Simple.
Yet life changing.

I was given choices right out of the gate.
I was given the choice to write my very own screen play.
Act it out anyway I want to.

I have choices, every single day at any given moment.

I have the choice to be happy.
To fill each new gifted day with anything I want it to look like.

Happy or sad, miserable or blessed its my choice how I see it.

 So many don't have that luxury.

Maybe we need to be reminded.

Simply to be reminded.



Kissing the last 30 years good bye and welcoming the next 30 with open eyes, an open heart, open judgement and an open amount of love to fill and to be filled.

Not looking back, but staring straight ahead.
Knowing that I have the choice.
Every day.
30 years older.
Yep. (shush)

But 30 amazing years smarter, brighter, kinder, gentler and welcoming.

OK, so truth be told, I hate walking into the door....
But this year I have a body guard, one that will walk with me into the doors and straight  back to my past.
I'll be cloaked in the new me.

Cannot wait to meet the new you.
Sure hope your 30 year journey was as enlightening as mine.
(ooops, I failed to mention in the last 30 years I have raised 5 amazing children. At least I think I have done a pretty good job....hahahah. Began my own foundation to change the way others see our outstanding children that are special.  I have cut lots of hair and designed a bunch of handbags. But most of all I have LOVED. Cuz at the end of the day, that is truly all that matters.)

I shall  kiss goodbye the past 30 years good bye and promise myself an even brighter 30 more.

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