Cancer still sucks.

Gia showed up on day of surgery- had me LOL.

It will be a year in June when the phone call came.

A whirlwind of awfulness came upon me with that one call.

I try to look back and digest all that I have been through, how far I have come.
But I cannot.
My brain literally freezes and there is no memory.
Maybe a few slide show single second shots but those are immediately erased from my mind.
My mind races.
I fear I am psychotic.

There are times I can hardly bare the thought of nighttime.
Closing my eyes brings in the technicolor whirlwind of a year in hell passing right in front of me.

I know I HAD Breast Cancer.

 My scars are quite evident.
Why do I feel as though it was an out of body experience?
 I am not certain.
Denial?
Probably.

Damn I am good at that.


It scares me at times, I feel like I am in an old black and white.
A frightening, dark, often at the edge of your seat war movie of sadness, suffering and great pain.
Truly,
As if I have been to battle.

Ugh drains are awful...

Chemo is NOT for the timid...

Witnessed awful sights, endured great pain, and feeling the guilt of walking past the ones who were not able to make it on their "journey".

(This is no Fucking journey. That sounds like a vacation...THIS is hell. No need to mince words)

Maybe you will never understand.
Maybe I wont either.

My final day of radiation came.
Walking past 2 new friends in the waiting room. Both with greater odds against them than me.
Tears flew down my cheeks like acid rain. Not because I had won.

But because others will not.

I was sickened.
I felt such sadness, my knees began to buckle.
But I knew I couldn't stay.

The BOSS.

I couldn't save them all.

Its a hellish nightmare.
Probably good that I am able to bury.
I do fear the day it comes back.

Will I be able to see the past?

Bare the memories?

Will my mind stir in the mental game that plays out every night as I try to lie to sleep?
The what ifs,
The unknowns.
The fear of something happening to my children.
Dear God, this hell never stops.
I just pretend better than anyone that it was all just a bleep.
A moment in time.
When actually it will haunt me forever.

I have been waiting to receive my ah-ha moment.

I wait for it every day.

Will it be a knock at the door?

To eat healthier, to work out regularly?
Not happening.
Same fat, non moving Holly here.

Just had ice cream for dinner

Cancer gave me a louder voice.
One that talks no bullshit.
Takes none either.

Most days I get it.
The point.

That I get the chance to teach, to soar, to speak.
I get that I can make a difference.
Every new day gives me the fresh blank canvas to start my new oil painting.
I can literally paint any damn thing I want too.
Imagine that.
ANYTHING I CHOOSE.
Wow.
Do you get that?
You get to choose?
Lipstick on?
Game face..
Ready to rumble....

Surgery, losing your boobies.
Drains, so disgusting and painful.
Chemo an evil almost to vile to bring up.
Tried to kill me as my body begged for mercy.
Shriveled up in agony, wondering if death was a better choice.
Radiation,
3rd degree burns and the deepest shooting pain that my lip gloss could not cover.



Everyone asks me if now I am cured?
Cured from what?
My mind is a fricken battle ground.
I am afraid to answer.
The little demon of cancer sits quietly on top of my shoulder, reminding me daily that it is merely a phone call a way.

Where is that damn wake up call?

The one that negates sugar from my diet?
The one that first thing Monday morning has you  joining a boot camp?
Dammit I am totally pissed.

Cancer SUCKS.

I hope no one sees it on me.
Its not something I have ever wanted to wear.
But the scars remain.
On my body and in my mind...
 
I had ice cream for dinner.

My friendships deepened.
I cleaned house.
I let go of some shit and held tight to others.
I realized that the dirty clothes will still be there in the morning.
That my kids are only as good as today.
That I am who I am with no apologies.
To simply say NO.
To walk away when necessary.
To run back if need be.
I learned that kindness is absolutely underrated.

That angels truly do walk among us.

I just had breakfast with my darling BFF Gia.
I told her all about my personal disgust.
She like many others know the crazy mindset of Hollys-world.
But perspective is what she's good at and it came out crystal clear.

I learned that asking for help is OK.
That some people are stupid.
I learned that I can be too.
I learned that when you need someone they might not be there.
But if you look around someone else just might be.

I learned to shoot from the hip and take no prisoners.
You're a victim?
Make a change, start a new.
I talk a good talk.
But damn where is my wake up call.

Too bad, no time for a pity party here.

I learned that most waste their youth.
I learned that health is truly the only thing that matters.
I love deeper and am present when I hug.

I don't care about the nonsense.
I care about the NOW.

I just had ice cream for dinner.

I learned that you may become a member to a club that you want no part of.

That you truly can withstand more pain than you ever thought possible.
That family, the ones inside your 4 walls are who count.
The rest is just plain not your business.
I have learned to give more.
Really give.
Give it all even when you think you have nothing.
It just feels good.

I have learned that being your authentic self means to be YOU.
Friends will gather around you...
Strangers will open their hearts.
Your door will ring and notes will come that literally give you life.
Words are spoken and generosity takes on a new meaning.
Goodness gets you through.

I learned that we all pray, maybe just to different Gods.
But beliefs are real and so is the sunrise.

Yes I have learned to be frightened beyond belief.
To weather pain that I thought would end me.
To clench my teeth in hopes it would all just go away.
To black out my mind to the unknowns and what ifs.

I learned that its ALL about the CHOICE.

To show up.
With lip stick on, a bottle of spray tan and a cute pair of shoes.
I learned to say hello and mean it.
I learned to make the best of a shitty situation.
To literally fake it till you make it.
That its OK to be scared just don't bring that to the table.
To protect as best as you can with all that you have.

What if my ah-ha moment never comes?
What if it already did and I missed it?

Holy shit..
what if I remain the same size?
Eating crappy food and sitting on the sofa?
What If.....

I am who I am

I had ice cream for dinner.