I am so damn tired.

For those of you that have read my book these new words may appear shocking.

Or maybe not as you have come to realize like I had too that I am mere mortal. A damn human being.
Some-days I hate it.
I hate it all.
Every damn morsel of every second once my feet hit the floor to the minute I am able to ambien myself  to fall asleep and pray for a new day filled with endless possibilities.
But right now, clicking away I not only want to let the tears flow down my cheeks like acid rain but I need a hug.

I am so fucking tired of being tired.
I am sick and tired of being sad, and afraid, and truthfully panicked that all will not be safe under my watch.
I cannot take one more burden to sit on my shoulders as I shall fall and someday, truly someday, I may never get back up.

I am just tired.

My friend died.
A friend to many and I am pissed.
WHY can't the idiots die young?
The sick and twisted?
Why do we have to learn some great lesson? I'm tired of lessons and this is NOT GODS plan.
Seriously.

Our friend will be missed by so many. Memories are just not good enough. He has sons and a wife and a million family members and friends, and he was not done.
I want my dad to hug me and not let go. Like when I was a child. Heaven is just too far away right now.
I want to BELIEVE that it truly will get better.

But what about Nate?

What will he become? Where will he live? Why won't anyone call and invite him over?
Sick and twisted every damn day. It isn't getting better. People get ignored, made fun of, ridiculed for being themselves.











I want the negatives to be washed away into the abyss..
How can a gay man go into a nightclub to enjoy his life and be gunned down?
Why are people beaten daily for what they believe in?



How is evil living among us?
How come?
Are we allowing this?
Are we sitting back nestled into our lazy boy not demanding a better world?
Gay, white, black, straight, Jewish,....what the FUCK is going on?

Hot fudge sundae cannot cover this shit up.

Evil people,
Two faced friends,
Back stabbing,
gossip
No trust.
Hate crimes.
My head is spinning.

My friend died.

LIVE AND LET LIVE and enjoy who is HERE now.

Embrace but don't just say it.
Dammit do it.
BE something to someone not just for yourself.
Clean your inner circle and demand what is right.
Go forth with great gusto and move that mountain one stone at a time.

I want a hug.
I want to love without fear.
I want to trust and not be afraid.
I want to stick out my hand and be gently guided.
I want open hearts and open minds to line the streets of the world.

I was able to tell him that I loved him.
I touched his hair and said that I will do something big and bold in his memory.
My tears fell upon his cheek as I remembered those that no one said goodbye too.
Those who just want to live,
and to love and to belong.

Dammit.
I miss you.
I miss everyone that I haven't even met.
I want to love and be loved.
No regrets no unsaid words.

I lost my friend.
But he lives within me now. Its raw and its real and its recent as he sits on-top of my shoulder. Like my father and those that left too soon.

As I am a mere mortal and I need a hug.