35 years ago...

Life.

A million years ago when I was 18 my life as I knew it took a drastic turn.

As I'm telling you this story, I hope that you have seen the movie The Notebook. Just keep that in mind.

I remember being 18 years old. Graduated early from High School.

 My bikini clad self went to spend the day at Oak street beach. A little fight broke out and I stood up to watch. Highly doubtful I stood up to help. I think I weighed 118lbs soaking wet. I remember meeting a young man and I instantly became enamored. He was GORGEOUS! I'm sure we exchanged stories and the very next day while at work this total hunk walked into the store! Speechless- as I was officially meeting my very first "REAL" boyfriend.

His name was Kevin and he grew up on the opposite side of the tracks than I did.
He was a body builder and as sweet as they come.
I fell head over heels.
At least I thought so.

I was also finishing beauty school.
One day out of no where my new boyfriend tells me that he has to leave.
Move away.
No real explanation.
HUH...

My father died from Cancer in the next few months and I was lost.
I remember Kevin calling our house phone and my mom answered. "Are you a man or a mouse?" she asked him.

Wtf does that even mean?

He eventually landed in Virginia. We wrote letters and spoke on the phone. (I still have the beautiful handwritten letters.)
 Once he had enough money he sent me an airline ticket to visit. I for the very first time felt "Grown up".
Gosh I loved him.  I was so excited to see him again.
Welcome to Alexandria, Virginia.

So what if we went to his bosses house for dinner and I puked all over everything, including myself. Maybe a tad over-served.
Embarrassed?
You bet.
But fighting for my love was more important.
I cooked, cleaned and made him dinner.
We slept on a book bag filled with socks as a pillow.

Ok



Returning home I saw my future.
With Kevin. Clear as day.

Funny as that was 35 years ago and I can still smell him.
Jovan musk.

We wrote letters by hand:) and I held onto promises of us.

Then one day I received an invitation.

It was to his wedding.

SHE knew of me and sent me the invite a few weeks after the nuptials.
"Leave MY man alone" was loud and clear.

I think there are still pieces of my heart shattered from that day.
Took me forever to swallow my pride and move on.
Damn did that hurt.
I dont think that feeling will ever go away.
Lost love.
Lost hopes.
Dreams.
Destiny.

The tears stung like acid rain.
Permanently leaving scars that remain to this day.

Always wondering..
Why?
What if?

Eventually.
My life became exactly what I had hoped. An amazing husband, 5 great children, a wonderful career.

Outstanding kids actually. All incredibly unique. All gifting me more love and more respect than the day before.
Nathaniel our gift from God, well his pure existance changed my path for the better.
Who knew this hairdresser that cheated her way out of High School would now be on the radio, on TV and have written a book? The journey is an ever winding path of whatever we choose.

But what if?

I searched for Kevin for decades. I even called the Maury Povich show. They claimed to have found him, but I chickened out. OK Dan said "Absolutely not."

Wonder can kill.

Facebook.
Instagram
Nothing.

My daughter had this adorable boyfriend in College.

First love.
 She came back to Chicago, he stayed in little Iowa.
Her heart has hurt ever since.
Wondering what if...

One night, on one of my famous 'I CANT SLEEP' episodes I searched Facebook again for Kevin.

Knowing that I hadn't found him in 35 years, but why not.

Actually I thought I found him a decade ago, I called that Kevin, yet the man said that he wasn't MY Kevin, I swore he was in hiding and that I really did find him. It killed me that he pretended not to be himself.
Hahahah I am nuts.
Do you see that my life is a damn sitcom....

 BUT ALAS...
My heart skipped a beat.

I might of had a heart attack.
Shaking and totally freaking out...

THERE HE WAS.

HOLY SHITBALLS.
Now what do I do?
I panicked and I wrote him a lil message.

No reply.

Jesus this is killing me.

So what did Holly do?

I messaged his wife.

Come on no judgement.
I am no threat...
hahahahaha.

She was lovely and wrote back immediately.
She said that he wanted me to call him.

Now I am in cardiac arrest.

 I called and his voice was the sweetest melody of days-years-decades gone by.
We caught up, and the obvious assumption on why he bolted 35 years ago was answered as he spoke of his 35 year old son.

His honesty was refreshing.
His humor intact.

But then came real life and I wasn't prepared for that.

I yearned for the fairy tale.

Kevin had fallen off a building and was off of work for 10 years, fracturing his skull.
My heart was bleeding.

We spoke again and my tears just kept pouring down my skin leaving an even bigger scar than before.
 He said something to me that I will never forget.

I mentioned how much I had missed him over the years.

"I did you a favor Holly by leaving you." 

Gulp.

"You wouldn't be who you are today if I hadn't." 

EPIC.

What a gift to unwrap.

If only Lindsey could see what I see.
Maybe in 35 years she will.

Shortly after reconnecting with Kevin, my heart still a tad hallow, I was massively alerted that my great LOVE Anthony Bourdain had killed himself.

Then my fave Kate Spade.

My heart can no longer feel.

Sometimes I am completely numb to the universe and all that is ugly.
I fear that I am getting cold as I weather through storms without getting wet.

So much to live for.
So much to see.

To touch.
To respect.
To laugh.
Love.
Honor.
Give.

So much.

So fucking much.

Boldly waking up covered in aches and pains.
Fearing the nights that the kids are not in their beds tucked in safe and sound.
Wondering if the C will come back. Believe me when I tell you THAT fear is a tiny devil on your shoulder, ever so softly saying, "Holly LIVE, LIVE BIG now, as tomorrow isn't promised."

Will I have anything left to go on?

Will I?

Will YOU?


Watching the news.
Kids dying.
President hating.
Fights
War
Economy in crisis.
Bills
Fears
Tears
Pain.

Loading up my baked potato with all the extras.

I'm gonna LIVE.
No looking back.
NO damn regrets.

 This is MY LIFE and I'm creating the dialogue and movement on a day to day basis. No parade, shoot I will create my own.

No room for sadness 
No room for drama
No room for cruelty or fear.

Holding onto all that I love and thanking GOD and Kevin for giving me myself.

I will always "Love" you Kevin, especially for letting me go....

I am who I am.

Welcome Lindsey our next Bachlorette:)

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Amazing isn't it that you can have a life changing AH-Hah moment at anytime anywhere, at any age.

The dream is intoxicating! 
The thought that your life has the possibility to change in an instant is almost too much to bear.

For the good or the bad it takes a mere second in time. I'm gonna focus on the good second. Not the shitty ass second where life can be gone, damaged, heartbroken, devastated. That crap is for the Eeyores of the world. I can't focus solely on the yuck.
The ones that I keep far away from my circle. (I think my life is more like a triangle anyway.)

Yep- the good second.

One of my many LOVES, Anthony Bourdain was recently spotted talking about his amazing life changing moment. You know I love him, and he loves me....

He was saying that in his 40's he was pretty low, unable to pay his rent, unable to keep a job, gas company calling, electricity being shut off. He was lost and 'broken' as I say.  (He failed to mention that he was a major drug addict, heroin and meth I believe...)
It took one step. OK, maybe for him it was a leap, but it was a forward motion. 
 He decided to submit a story to a local paper. He thought he was a loser, never to be heard.
Never.
Yep, a few days later the Editor called him, saying his writing was wonderful and powerful and they were going to put his story to print.

He feared sending this paper in for the longest time. Fear of rejection was all too consuming.
Yep, he sent in a story. It really was that simple.

He was sure no one would call.

But they did.
Yes, they did.

I hate getting knocked down. 
Who likes rejection?
To those that think I drink my tea out of china and shit rainbows...well you're wrong.
I drink my tea out of a mug....

So Anthony, although I like to call him Tony has given my girlfriend an AH- HAH moment. Today.
I think she has had a million but this one stuck.
Moral of this story?
At any single second of any given day you can do something to move a fricken mountain.
YOU can do this, anything actually.
One foot in front of the other.
Wanna be a writer?
Write.
Cant spell?
Me either.
Write.

Want to start a business.
Put the pen to the paper and make it be.

The other day a lovely nurse came into my room after my exam.
"Look at how old my hands look?!" I stupidly said.
"Omg they are not bad, your so cool, I wanna be hip like you when I grow up."

No I didn't kick her teeth in, I took the back handed compliment, shoved it into my purse and ran the hell out of there.

I've never wanted to BE someone else.
 Not at all, not even Ellen or Oprah. (OK, maybe Angelina when she was married to Brad...come on now....:)
They have their own set of problems. More than we realize I bet.
No one really wants to look inside my purse, do they?
Fave quote?
"We all have a chapter that we don't want read out loud."
Hell straight!
I don't wanna read it let alone re-live the bullshit.

Be me?
Go right ahead.

5 kids no stretch marks but I do have a momma gut that cannot be spanxed.
Bills...hahaha I live like I am rich, my poor hubby works overtime to fund my shoe addiction. (He knew this when he met me....complete authenticity..)

5 kids means 5 GIGANTIC set of problems.
Self absorbed, spoiled, pretentious, ignorant and bossy. Shit that's only one of them:)

Kidding
Not kidding.

I like who I have become.
From the shy, scared high school student to the fierce as fuck cancer survivor. 
Warrior? Sometimes. But that's just fine.
I am who I am.

 
I just heard Dr. Phil say that we are formed by the age of 7. Mentally who we will always be.
BULLSHIT again.
I form every friggen day above ground.

So can you.
A new site a new smell, a new friend. That's BUILDING!
I am who I am and I can get better and better if I can handle the challenge.

And dammit yes I can.

Ah- hah moment.

Not happy?
Move, you are not a tree.

Hate something?
Let it go, let them go....shut the door, no slam the damn door.

An open cleaned out doorway will allow something better to come in.
Gotta clean out the cobwebs from time to time.
So today I'm writing and recoloring my overly processed hair.

I get ah-hah moments on the daily.
Open yourself up to the possibilities.
I dont get why you're still sitting there.
watching the TV screen.

Do something, make it happen.
BE THE CHANGE!

So hallmark you say?
Too cliche?
Yep I am the quote queen but I can still run circles around Maury Povich.
Come on lets change the world.


What are you waiting for?

Real life.

 

Life sure isn’t easy, sometimes it can really kick your ass while others can safely slide through without even a scratch.
I really want to be one of those people.
I am completely covered in bruises and scratches from life, and quite frankly I'm done.


I have pondered why life has beaten me up so many times.
I don’t stay in that space long, I’m afraid what it could do to me. So I choose to forge forward even when I feel as though the wind has been knocked out of me.

I wrote a Facebook post the other day about being sexually molested when I was 16 years old.

I wrote it after I heard about the Matt Lauer story and how everyone was saying what a great guy he is.
Criminals and evil people come in all shapes and sizes. We all judge others but maybe we should start looking inside first.
I wrote my post to set it free and to educate others that there is no shame.
I kept that secret for 35 years. I decided to write about it in my book so I had to tell my husband and my children.
I was humiliated, I was scared and to see my daughters face was devastating. I was naive back then but it was not my fault. I was raped and I buried it so it could never hurt me again.

I suppose it’s true what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.
I took my post down almost immediately because everyone was saying they were sorry. It was 35 years ago and I am OK. I want other women to realize it’s OK to speak the truth.
I have lost the shame. 

I have lost the fear.
I have lost the embarrassment.
I am proud to be authentic as it is what shapes me as a woman.
Yes, I’ve thought about what I could’ve done and should’ve done.
I suppose the only justice would be that he has had a shitty life. I know his name. I remember his face.
So many women are afraid to speak the truth for fear of the repercussions. Maybe for fear that their reputation will be soiled.
I am here to say that I am a fierce warrior.
So are you, I believe that.

He was a criminal and I was a victim.
I do not choose to live my life as a victim any longer.
Wherever you are Jeff I hope you’re miserable because that is what you deserve.
I have also learned later in life to set free everything that binds you.

The truth for me is so healing. I was recently diagnosed with neuropathy.
I’ve spent many days bawling my eyes out.
I asked the doctor why me? Why does the shoe drop every fucking day?
Why do some go their entire life without a tear or pain and I am left with a bountiful?
He had no answers, he handed me the box of Kleenex as he knew the river was about to flow.

He reminded me that I had cancer. He reminded me that it could come back. He reminded me that sometimes people get shitty luck and I am just one of them.
I left and cried in my car. Never feeling more alone in my life.
I came home and cried to my husband. But then my kids walked in. I’m not shielding the truth from them, I’m just showing them what it’s like to get up and represent.
When my Feet hit the floor in the morning, I am walking on broken glass, the pain in my body 24/ 7 is possibly chemo induced. My doctor said the nerves have been damaged and they will never go back to normal.
I don’t want to live like this.
But what is my alternative?

With facing so many adversities my only choice is to live authentically and to preach my gospel.
My doctor even asked me how I go on?
Reminding me that even Doctors need answers.
I was proud to say that if I didn’t keep moving forward you would find me in the fetal position on my sofa.
My passion for children with special abilities and my immense love for my children keeps me searching for happiness.
I’m not Oprah or Maya Angelo, I am Holly Simon.
And despite the fact that I have chronic pain throughout my entire body which will never go away, I will continue to live a spectacular life. 

I always preach that we have choices.
Believe me they are difficult to make.
But I choose to do more for other people, as I have found the love that comes back is tenfold.

You see we all have our strengths and weaknesses.
I believe I was put on this earth To show others that we can make the best out of our shitty circumstance.
Like the beautiful lotus flower that rises so magnificently through the mud. She shines with radiant color as if a miracle has been created.
I am on to Chinese medicine as I am searching for hope. I am not searching for sorry's, I don’t do well with pity. I’m looking for love.
I am looking for honest and loyal friendships that will understand that being human we have choices to rise.
We need each other. This I believe with all of my heart.
Words can lift even the ugliest of times.

I often joke with my friends that if the "Public" knew the truth, meaning if your peers knew what your daily life was REALLY like, their jaw would drop.
SUPERMAN right here. Baggy sweats and huge bags under my eyes but TRUTH.
Lets do the math.
I have 5 kids.
Each with a completely different personality. Extremes actually.
All NEEDY.
All have me scared to death every damn day.
Not much time to think about the melanoma on my leg, or the fact that it takes a Micheal Jackson cocktail to get me to sleep.
Human.
That's what we are.

Some-days I find the tears cutting through my cheeks like acid rain. Depressed with the worlds problems falling on my shoulders.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Am I going bonkers?

Insane??

Nope just me.

The circle of life.

The highs and the lows.

You fall then you get back up.

 

Blood,

Tears, 

Fears,

Bills, 

Pains...
Oh my god.
I like milk chocolate and I laugh like a hyena when my kids get hurt.
I get happy with cotton socks and yes I bought 3 pairs from the Internet while sleepwalking for $60.00.
I am on TV,
magazines,
radio.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhah.
Sometimes people recognize me.
I got a free slab of ribs at a restaurant because the cook had just seen me on ABC.
That's some funny shit.




They think my life is awesome.
They think I have it all....
I can't write with a pen anymore.
My hands cramp up.
I have to get a brain scan soon because I am beginning to slur my words and forget where I parked my car.


My mom has dementia and she is sharper lately than I am.
Heaven help.


To laugh.
To giggle.
To see the wonders of the world.
To stop and talk to someone, learn about them. Hear their story...
It makes you feel worthy of the breath you take.


 

I say I love you more.
I may not always hear it back.
But that's OK.
I like to gift..
It is who I am.
Holly Simon.

A complete mad mess. A crazy obsessed shoe shopper with more jewelry that anyone can wear in a lifetime.
I wonder about the people I have yet to meet.
I wonder if they will think about me.

Remember me?
Will it be enough?

Did I do enough?

Did I love my children enough to where they can carry it deep withing their soul? 

For eternity?

God I hope so.

Do not be fooled by the smile.

Pay attention.

Read between the lines and extend your hands.

Your words.

Your heart..


I want to see something new.
Hopefully with each new dawn brings me a new sight, smell, touch and friend.
We need each other.
We need to rise even if we sometimes fall.

I am here to catch you, this I promise. My hands are full but there is always room for more.
Delight in this world with me.
Please.

Glitter on the Side: I am so damn tired.

Glitter on the Side: I am so damn tired.: For those of you that have read my book these new words may appear shocking. Or maybe not as you have come to realize like I had too that ...

I am so damn tired.

For those of you that have read my book these new words may appear shocking.

Or maybe not as you have come to realize like I had too that I am mere mortal. A damn human being.
Some-days I hate it.
I hate it all.
Every damn morsel of every second once my feet hit the floor to the minute I am able to ambien myself  to fall asleep and pray for a new day filled with endless possibilities.
But right now, clicking away I not only want to let the tears flow down my cheeks like acid rain but I need a hug.

I am so fucking tired of being tired.
I am sick and tired of being sad, and afraid, and truthfully panicked that all will not be safe under my watch.
I cannot take one more burden to sit on my shoulders as I shall fall and someday, truly someday, I may never get back up.

I am just tired.

My friend died.
A friend to many and I am pissed.
WHY can't the idiots die young?
The sick and twisted?
Why do we have to learn some great lesson? I'm tired of lessons and this is NOT GODS plan.
Seriously.

Our friend will be missed by so many. Memories are just not good enough. He has sons and a wife and a million family members and friends, and he was not done.
I want my dad to hug me and not let go. Like when I was a child. Heaven is just too far away right now.
I want to BELIEVE that it truly will get better.

But what about Nate?

What will he become? Where will he live? Why won't anyone call and invite him over?
Sick and twisted every damn day. It isn't getting better. People get ignored, made fun of, ridiculed for being themselves.











I want the negatives to be washed away into the abyss..
How can a gay man go into a nightclub to enjoy his life and be gunned down?
Why are people beaten daily for what they believe in?



How is evil living among us?
How come?
Are we allowing this?
Are we sitting back nestled into our lazy boy not demanding a better world?
Gay, white, black, straight, Jewish,....what the FUCK is going on?

Hot fudge sundae cannot cover this shit up.

Evil people,
Two faced friends,
Back stabbing,
gossip
No trust.
Hate crimes.
My head is spinning.

My friend died.

LIVE AND LET LIVE and enjoy who is HERE now.

Embrace but don't just say it.
Dammit do it.
BE something to someone not just for yourself.
Clean your inner circle and demand what is right.
Go forth with great gusto and move that mountain one stone at a time.

I want a hug.
I want to love without fear.
I want to trust and not be afraid.
I want to stick out my hand and be gently guided.
I want open hearts and open minds to line the streets of the world.

I was able to tell him that I loved him.
I touched his hair and said that I will do something big and bold in his memory.
My tears fell upon his cheek as I remembered those that no one said goodbye too.
Those who just want to live,
and to love and to belong.

Dammit.
I miss you.
I miss everyone that I haven't even met.
I want to love and be loved.
No regrets no unsaid words.

I lost my friend.
But he lives within me now. Its raw and its real and its recent as he sits on-top of my shoulder. Like my father and those that left too soon.

As I am a mere mortal and I need a hug.