Listen.

Is anyone really listening?

Once again I sit here, wondering how in the world I got to this place.

 Right here, right now.
 Feeling as happy as a child in the middle of Toys R Us.
Some great news came in yesterday in regards to the future of I am who I am.
Amazing change in the right direction.
I am making this happen. Fighting for whats right.
Every day.

Yet as sad as a child that just lost their puppy.

Terrible analogy for what you are about to read.

Yet mere words at this point are all I have to offer.

You see this week began with a bang. A full blown Holly style amazing technicolor ride to California.
You all know my nirvana is found directly in my friends backyard.

No need for fuss or fancy- Just me, my cup of tea and the sweet smell of the Orange County  air.

Happiness in that exact moment centers me- giving me balance to this crazy life.

The life that we all live, day to day with gigantic ups and downs.
Huge bumps.
 Wrong roads, crazy paths.
 Some hit so hard it takes time to get back up- to recover.

My dear Flight attendant magical friend:)

Damn its been one of those weeks.

A friend gifted me a last minute trip to my happy place.
A last minute run to my Oz.

From fearless and tired to humbled and proud the days were full of memories laced by amazing friends and memories in the making.
Needless to say I ran into old friends.
Ones I had met years ago, for just a moment.
 But they remembered me.

Be who you would like to be.
Be the friend you desire to have.
Be the gift to someone that you need back.
Be good,
Be kind,
Be gentle,
Loving,
Sincere and true.

Give the gift of yourself and watch the magic unfold right before your eyes.

How can someone be that memorable after just sharing a few moments?
Be present.
Give yourself.

My holiday magic!

Your heart.

California is my package to unwrap.

Amazing friends that literally squealed in delight "Holly's here" as I entered the room.
A friend so dear to  me. A real sister even if not for blood.
She actually cried tears of joy as she saw my face.
They thought it was their holiday magic...

But alas it was mine.

All mine.

The trip was a whirlwind full of new and old sights, tastes, giggles and long car rides.
It was entwined with the making of new friends and refreshing the old.

Beth, how did you find ME? In the gigantic Venice Beach area, You warmed my heart. As always. I am touched and humbled.

              The love I had in my pockets as I boarded the plane                                     home was over flowing. 

A tiny tea party years ago was remembered:)

And then in the morning the cold reality of life busted me straight between the eyes.

Friends are our daily gifts.

Seriously, our world can twist and shake.
It certainly can remind you quickly how fragile what we have is.

Love,
Friendship,
Honest moments,
Wrapped in life long memories.


I checked my phone to read that my friend had just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.

I heard today that another friend just passed away from a car accident.

Did I say enough?
Did I tell them?
Show them?

No do overs.


I am reminded by the cold f n reality as the snow today stings my cheek, only to close my eyes and dream about a life full of just happiness.

Dammit.

I erased my list of wants for this Christmas.

I can do without the kick ass boots form Nordstroms.

This year it will be different.
It must be different.
WE ALL must make a change.

It is my birthday and in need to be celebrated every trip!

I'm exhausted.
I'm broken, but I've got this.

Wish it,
Dream it.
Believe it and make it happen.

If you look, love is everywhere.

LISTEN to me.
Listen to someone.
Listen to yourself,
Your heart...
LOVE.
Give it away this year.
Lots of it,
With reckless abandonment.

Say it twice.
LOUD.
Call the friend you meant to call.
Say you're sorry.
Stick your damn hand out.

Make a difference with what you have.

YOU think you have nothing?

Seriously.

Pity party go away.

You today have more than my friend has.

So far you have this moment to make it all right.

Make it better.
Make the damn change you need to see in your world.
In our world.

I am certainly not Nelson Mandela.
Nor claim to be Mother Theresa.

But I think I get it.
Doesn't mean I don't falter.

But I don't wanna go down alone.
I want you.
All of you, to stay by my side.
Love and live in harmony.
Together.

Don't tell me about the fight you had-
Fix it.

Missing someone.
Tell them.

Fight for what you want what you need.
Get it right this time.

Then give it away.

I'll give you all I have.

Just make sure I get some back.

Its truly the only gift I may ever need.
Happy Holly-Days friends.

We got this.

Live today.

HollyDays 2013

In a months time, so much can change.

Actually it only takes a mere second to completely change your path.
But for me this entire month has been gigantic.


HollyDays 2013 is over...
For now, at least until I begin planning on next years celebration.
What  happened this year has changed my life.
I have been gifted the pleasure of new friends.
Magical people that plan on staying. People that have already left their mark on my soul. People that will change me,and my life, for the better.

Amazing new friends:)

Friends came from far and wide to join me, celebrities took hours off their schedules to join us, contributions and donations were plentiful and beyond generous.


Once again rendering me speechless on the goodness of others.

Mike Parker from the ABC news summed it up beautifully with a note he wrote me days later.

Nathaniel schooling ABC Mike Parker!

"Holly your party was my pleasure to attend.  Your event was a joy and a revelation for me." HOLY COW.
Yes it was a revelation for me too..

It took me a few weeks to swallow the greatness, but yesterday I think I got it.

Micah Mattera WGN serving Martinis!

I understood that we all NEED this place, this celebration, this community and this new way of thinking.
We all need to accept one another as unique individuals.

The amazing Anthony tending bar!

Erase the pre -conceived ideas of our children with special needs and replace with facts.
Say hello, get to know them as individuals and make your very own judgement based on humanity. Kind, giving, loving ways will lead you to a new path of understanding, acceptance and love.

Handsome devil Kenny!

I was asked last week a few questions that has given me sleepless nights.

1.  Where do I want all this to go?
2.  What does happiness look like to me?
3.  crap I forgot #3.

Generosity abound.

I have been overloaded with some friends sadness's as of lately. Some powerful tragedies have occurred that have changed their lives forever.
I have no answers.
Lord knows I am no Mother Theresa, I cannot fix a damn thing.
But I can always offer what has worked for me....
'It is what it is'...
Cry,
scream,
Pray,
Fall down.

Families that have paved our way.

But the only good choice,
The only real choice is to get up.
Small baby steps but get back up.

Merchandise packaged and made by our amazing kids!

What does happiness look like to you?
Think about it..really think.
There's today's happiness, tomorrow's....and what about what it looks like in 20 years.

WGN in the house!!

Today is simple,
I am happy to hold my delicious Chai Latte in my warm hands in my fave cup from Starbucks.

I am anticipating a great meeting and talking with friends that lighten my day.

Amazing friends.

I am happy that I may catch a well needed nap in a few hours.

That each one of my kids are healthy and they love me, and they abundantly know how much I love them.

I am happy that I have a few bucks in my pocket and I may blow it all on myself.

Kelly and her gorgeous hand made jewelry- Special Sparkle!

Today I am happy for my mom, my family, my newly made protein balls  in the fridge- I am happy that my hair is short and it takes me 3 minutes to dry....

PREACH!

See happiness is abound.
Every corner.
But tomorrows happiness??
I have no idea.
Someone asked me last night how I stay so positive.
As most of you know I am Scarlett O'Hara-
 I will think and worry about most stuff tomorrow.

Anthony Forde, David Kennedy- Chicago Special events and the stunning Jen Kramer-President of the Special Olympics!

But I am amazingly talented at putting what needs to go in the box, lid on and tucked tightly under my bed.
I shall open when necessary.
Baby steps if you will.

Nathaniel has changed my life.

Nate ROCKED the house down.

Forever.
Yep- scared of tomorrows happiness as we face so many uncertainties.
But today he was hilarious. Kissing me like a teenager, telling me I am one hot mama and shaking his booty while using my brush as his life's microphone.
Today's happiness.

Let me show you my ability not my disability- I see Hollywood in his near future!

Next question you must ask yourself...

Families that have changed my life:)

Where do I see myself, what does happiness look like in my future.
Seriously.
Don't ask me that again.
Today's all I got.
OK, if I must,

Amazing men that have given of their talent:) Mark one of our amazing photographers.

My body would shrink to high school size, my hair would be Lindsey's length and color, my mind would be clear and not forget where I have just put my keys. My wrinkles would fade and only the twinkle in my eyes would remain.

Reality.
Happiness in my future?

Amy Rutledge and Sean Maroney

To see more smiles around my world.
To fear less and to give more.
To protect those that need protecting, and to honor every human being at every moment.
To live in harmony and stand up for what is right.
To believe that the good will prevail.
To rejoice when the feelings surge and to handle what God lands us with grace and dignity.

When I began I am who I am 2 years ago on my kitchen table I had no idea where I would be today.

Now I can see clearly the effect we have made. The profound yet simple message of acceptance.

seriously- isn't this cake amazing?

It was obviously missing in our world.
We have been embraced by all those that see.
We have been touched by all those that need.

Happiness?

Just LOVE

Simple.
Not just words.
Cannot just say it- or write it.
You must feel it, deep down.
It must blanket your heart with a soft furry grace.
You  must preach it, and give it.
The more you give, the more you get.

Just give.

Live.
Enjoy, give, love, accept, protect, honor, laugh, appreciate, forgive, dance, include, learn, then love some more.

I think I got this this time.
At least for today:)

Game on.

Its my 30th high school reunion day.
Yippeeeeeeee.

Oak Park River Forest.
I will try to keep this short and sweet.hahahahah.

Funny how I am feeling.
Wonder if you are feeling the same way.
Its the feeling like you are in the middle of a football field, naked.

Have you ever had a dream like that?
I may be a  bonified nut job, but I am certain that I am not the only one feeling this raw vulnerability.

Why?
Where does it all stem from?

I suppose the funny, loud, vivacious. generous, advocate, covered in glitter that you see, evolved from someone else.
Actually a complete stranger of my past self...

30 years ago I was shy- scared- definitely not determined.
Merely hoping to find a kind eye in the cafeteria to sit and have lunch with. Just like the viral videos.
Always feeling like I was on  the out side of the ever so wanting to be inside, 'circle'.
Trying so desperately to 'fit in'....

I remember feelings of the tangible circle full of different kinds of kids.
Popular, middle, the scared and alone.
But the circle-
I was the gawky girl that jumped up and down on the outside, trying to see what was happening on the inside.

As the story has been often told.

No one knew I was her.
Probably not even me.
I was always a good actress.
Wearing my fears and insecurities hidden beneath my Izod and tretorn shoes. 

I planted that big Holly Grin painted across my heavily eye lined face and trudged forward.
Just always wondering what was happening inside that inner , tightly wound, almost UN- breakable, circle.

I have been blessed to be the mom of 5 outstanding kids...I have built 3 companies from my passion and off of my kitchen table.

I have stayed true to that little girl by always being me.

Realizing late in life that the circle has no meaning.

Better,
To stand alone,
even if awkward and afraid, just stand alone.

Believe in yourself, and for whatever you stand for, stand tall.

Who really cares what others think, say or do?

Unless it directly affects my life I shall smile and keep on walking.
I have built my own shatter proof circle.
I suppose mine looks more like a square, always being a radical!
Full of people that I meet each and every day-

Some broken, some bent, polka dot and different.
No molds,
No stereotypes,
Just people.
People that bring something to my life that makes it richer.
People that I can share myself with.
The real me.

The greatest thing I have learned??

To make my very own square.

Full of giving, kindness, non judgements, affection, honesty, smiles, hugs, worth and meaning.
The key to my square of happiness?

I will always keep the square wide open.
Join at any time. Jump right in.

Don't care how popular you are or once were.
Don't care what you wear or what you own.

My square is what I create.

My choices.

Stay if you promise to erase all of your preconceived notions of acceptance, awareness and community.
In my square we are ONE.
United by friendship, honesty and no charades.

I totally wish I knew then what I know now.

Cool part is my next chapter begins tonight.

As my community gets bigger and my life becomes richer I am grateful for my time standing on the outside.
It taught me that we are all equal.

If I had the choice to do it all over again?

Nah- no thanks.
I'm good.

Damn this whole reunion buzz is truly killing me...

I would like for all of you to pretend with me that this is merely my 10th,
Or even maybe my 20th reunion.
 All for the sake of fun.
Because once I actually swallow the 30 years entirely, I often feel a gigantic anxiety attack coming on.
Why? You ask.
Because 30 flippen years has flown by and I pray to G-d that I get another good 30.

 With what its worth that maybe if I try really , really hard its a happier go around.

Please do not assume that I mean I have not been happy. Surely I have been and am.
But in Holly's world there is always a chance for vast improvement and humongous growth.

30 years. What have I done?
What have you done?
Are you happy?
At 'Happy's' fullest potential?
Satisfied?
Is life as YOU know it where YOU want it to be?



Funny that I'm asking such questions.
 Lately I have come to see with utmost clarity how f#cked up my world around me is.

 And how shattered people in my world are.

Definitely some NOT by choice,
But some for certain have chosen their path.

Yes I am honest, and to the point and maybe a bit too much at times. But reality is what I see and hear.

You see I have created "Holly's world"...a place all my own.
I will invite you in if you would care to join.
 But its a positive place.
No room for chaos and negativity.
Too much of that elsewhere.
 I choose this crazy bus as my means for transportation. If I ride alone, no biggie, I know the way.
 So many of us are searching for something.
"Happiness"
no definition.
Just to be happy.
Each persons happiness cannot be defined by another.
It is uniquely owned and uniquely displayed.
Fear, sadness, anxiety seem to consume so many.


Lord knows I do not have the answers.

I spend most of my days under the "I don't want to think about it" cloak.

An amazing cloak of many colors, fabrics, textures and patterns.
You may say I wear many different hats.
I suppose trying them all on to see exactly what fits best.

My day was gut wrenching as I spoke with Natie's school and was reminded of his obvious gap between his cognitive ability and his peers.

Then to top it off a lovely visit with my mom turned into her telling me how she wants to be buried.

Yes- for most of this day I was trying to take a breath.
Merely to not turn blue.
Close to cold and broken, plus the lack of oxygen, I was fighting back tears.
And fighting back what tomorrow will bring.

So here I go on another reunion.
Another chance to walk in the door and enter the room.

Did my last 30 years count.
Will they be remembered.
Can't have a do over...can I?

I am amazed by some friends God given beauty.

Stunning, chiseled faces. Sculpted bodies and adornments fit for royalty.
I often remind my children that they were blessed with some of their  'qualities' right out of the gate.
Meaning,
my son Nathaniel was not granted the ability to memorize the constitution, or given straight teeth.  The bridge of his nose is not structured, that he has to try harder at EVERYTHING.
Just to be EQUAL.

That people will judge him at first sight.

That he struggles with diction,
that his low muscle tone will not allow him to play contact sports.
That math is merely impossible to master.
Nate has no idea about space and time. No idea about tomorrow or 30 years for that matter.
Alas,
Nate is a God send.
A true gift.

But out of the gate he struggles.
He may have a smile brightly plastered across his dirty little face but he struggles.
And so do I.

But the difference is....
The LESSON I have learned.
The nut I choose to swallow is profound.
Simple.
Yet life changing.

I was given choices right out of the gate.
I was given the choice to write my very own screen play.
Act it out anyway I want to.

I have choices, every single day at any given moment.

I have the choice to be happy.
To fill each new gifted day with anything I want it to look like.

Happy or sad, miserable or blessed its my choice how I see it.

 So many don't have that luxury.

Maybe we need to be reminded.

Simply to be reminded.



Kissing the last 30 years good bye and welcoming the next 30 with open eyes, an open heart, open judgement and an open amount of love to fill and to be filled.

Not looking back, but staring straight ahead.
Knowing that I have the choice.
Every day.
30 years older.
Yep. (shush)

But 30 amazing years smarter, brighter, kinder, gentler and welcoming.

OK, so truth be told, I hate walking into the door....
But this year I have a body guard, one that will walk with me into the doors and straight  back to my past.
I'll be cloaked in the new me.

Cannot wait to meet the new you.
Sure hope your 30 year journey was as enlightening as mine.
(ooops, I failed to mention in the last 30 years I have raised 5 amazing children. At least I think I have done a pretty good job....hahahah. Began my own foundation to change the way others see our outstanding children that are special.  I have cut lots of hair and designed a bunch of handbags. But most of all I have LOVED. Cuz at the end of the day, that is truly all that matters.)

I shall  kiss goodbye the past 30 years good bye and promise myself an even brighter 30 more.

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