BREAST CANCER. Say what?????

WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?
I have BREAST CANCER.
SHUT UP.

God only gives us what we can handle, is a total load of BULLSHIT.
Its the luck of the draw.
Its life.
Roll of the dice- fingers crossed.

The hand you are dealt changes every single day. Every minute of it.                                                           

My father died in front of my eyes when I was 18.
How did I get past that?
Complete denial.
For some people that doesn't work. They need head on, train raring straight for them to swallow what lies before them. Not me.
Denial Baby.
Complete smoke and mirrors.
That's how Holly rolls.
I have too.
Its who I am.

We all bury shit.
Sometimes it surfaces, other times your bag just gets full and over flows.
We claim to be our authentic selves.
Seriously do we even know what that means??

I do.
To be me.
No rose colored glasses or technicolor dream coat.
Just me.
Raw, open, honest.
Unfortunately that route is often scary.

Shoot from the hip- straight shot.

Just about a month ago I had a pretty clear picture of what my life was going to look like.
What I need, want, desire and wish for.

I was on that path.
Keeping my eyes clear and full of visine. I was ready to jump, kick, fight and move forward to my happiness.

Say What??????

You have breast cancer?
Very funny.
Move along- you obviously have the wrong gal.

I like my boobs, they serve me well. I bring my girls out at times, not that anyone is looking.
It does embarrass my kids, I'm OK with that. They are mine and I can do with them whatever I choose to do..

I like them.

Fast forward through the marathon day that began with a routine mammogram.....
3 mammograms later...Ultra sound...BIOPSY. ( I knew I was screwed by the 7th hour)
Can't they at least supply snacks?
I lay on the hospital bed, boobs exposed to any one and everyone, I think I saw the janitor at one point.
Who cares.
We all have them.

Ummmmm, Why is this young darling doctor holding my hand?
"Shoot me straight Doc"...

"I'm worried." she says.

Well shit so am I.

The mind the miraculous mind.

My mind shut down on the Dan Ryan on my way home from the marathon appointment.
It was full of Pandora Radio- no room for negative news.
Besides they must be wrong.
In Hollys World I am 27.
Who has breast cancer at 27?  (seriously don't answer that)

My plate is full.
Has been for awhile.

Lets see...
Great childhood-

Dad deteriorated from Cancer while I was lucky enough to watch...
Hell that NO one should see.
No one.

He begged me to not take him to the hospital, but at 18 I had a party to go to. I was not able or willing  to mop up any more vomit......I was alone with my dad in our big Oak Park home...Wishing I would die.
But nope I got to watch.
I was watching the man who took care of everything in my life fade away.
He died the next morning. They told me over the pay phone.
I was alone.
I was completely alone.

Funny thing happened to my dad as he was dying...he began to see again. Literally, actually.
He lost his site in one eye in the war or so he said.
It was a cloudy blue, we enjoyed flipping him the bird as he couldn't see from his right side...

But right before he died..
He saw.
I swear to GOD.
He saw.
He also GOT IT.

Unfortunately it took cancer for him to get it.

He was strong, brave, handsome, and fierce. Cancer made him lose 100lbs. A shell of the man I knew.
He began to truly LOVE life. No prejudice as it oozed out of his pores. He spoke at my high school while his 98 lb frame could barely walk he spoke.
He spoke about loving and learning.
I think that was the day I was reborn.
His death nearly killed me.

But I'm still here, a large part of Zel inside of me.

You have breast cancer.

Still nothing.
Black cloud and lots of sleep continued.
Days and weeks melted together...

When Nate was born the shock took a few weeks to fade. He was a beautiful baby. I was not gonna let sadness or despair come into his pure life. I fought his ailments the first year like a bull in a china shop.
The year was brutal. Again the fear, the uncertainty showered my days.
I was exhausted.
But I am a mother.
A warrior.
I got this.

We as a family took a deep breath and let life begin again.
We are a big family of our own.
5 kids, we are our own basketball team.
Rarely invited to parties, hah we are just too big as a group to entertain.
We kept enjoying...
Still frightened, that's life.

My husband thought he broke his ankle while holding Nate at the park 6 years ago...
Fast forward the 2 days of hell that followed...
"Your husband has Flesh Eating Bacteria" if he doesn't die in the next 24 hours he will probably lose his foot, possibly his leg."

Ok- who and the hell switched my life on me.
(or my poor husbands for that matter)
This was not my plan.
THIS SUCKS.
How do I tell my handsome, young, vital, strong husband that he will be losing his leg in the next 24 hours.
OK this joke has to end.

Dan kicked its ass, and 6 months later returned to work with a hobble but  recovered.
He is and was a walking miracle.


Thanks for all the life lessons GOD I truly appreciate it.
But I am done.

"Mrs. Simon, you have breast cancer" as I type these words I am not in ownership yet.
I've vacillated from what to do for weeks now. Looking for the decision to be made on Face Book or from a stranger.
I know its MY choice.
But I'm tired.
I'm exhausted actually....

Maybe if I wasn't so happy with my boobs this would be easier to swallow. You wanna take my stomach or my thighs, my ass its all yours...

"Your boobs do not define you."
That's so not the point.
I hear you.

But I have cancer?
Yuck no friggen way.
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww


I put my big girl panties on just the other day and realized I can make good of this.

Already in just the past 3 weeks I have 3 friends that booked their mammogram because of me. Hey that's a start.
But I believe I have a higher purpose.
Bring on the strobe lights and Organ music...

Because if I don't that would mean GOD is just fucking with me and that's just not right.

I was reborn when I lost my father.
I began to live each day with a smile every morning as my feet hit the floor. To see something new even if its just to stop and appreciate the colony on ants on my driveway.
I decided to sing more and giggle as often as possible.

To truly be PRESENT in every second I have.

I got it.

Reminder was Natie...
To love deeper.
To accept everyone.
To celebrate differences.
To cherish all and learn from them.
To smile and to kiss...
To hold on longer.

Two kids going off to college, OK I rode the pity train for a bit.
Taught me to let go and to appreciate every ounce of them and their own personal growth.

You have breast cancer.

I'm waiting for this purpose.
Haha.....
New club-No thanks.
New friends?
Too many now to see.
Get to wear pink ribbons.
Are you kidding me?

New boobies.
OUCH.... 6-9 months to recover.

Not looking forward to the sleepless nights, pain....icky oozing..
But BRA less forever?
Now were talking.

I will be turning the page on my next chapter.
Please don't run away when I lose my mojo and my inspiration becomes full of 4 letter swear words.
Gotta be my authentic self.

This is gonna suck.
This we know.
But I have tattoos picked out for the scars..
Friends to make me laugh.
Kids to cuddle.
Support from my husband that puts up with my many personalities and a village of strength.

 I got this.
Because real talk,
whats my alternative?
Seriously
Whats my choice?
To fall down and claim defeat?
To let the tears sting my cheeks like acid rain?
To not wake up and to never smell the freshly ground coffee again.
Hell no.

I'm living baby.
My way.
Full of swear words and painted on glitter.
Straight shooting .
NO time for nonsense,
authentic
ME.
So if you don't mind I will end this with,
This just sucks.
Truly it does.
No pity or sorries- you all know how I hate that.

Cancer sucks.

I promise to wear it proudly.
 I have breast cancer.
Fuck.

I am who I am.


Bam.