Damn this whole reunion buzz is truly killing me...

I would like for all of you to pretend with me that this is merely my 10th,
Or even maybe my 20th reunion.
 All for the sake of fun.
Because once I actually swallow the 30 years entirely, I often feel a gigantic anxiety attack coming on.
Why? You ask.
Because 30 flippen years has flown by and I pray to G-d that I get another good 30.

 With what its worth that maybe if I try really , really hard its a happier go around.

Please do not assume that I mean I have not been happy. Surely I have been and am.
But in Holly's world there is always a chance for vast improvement and humongous growth.

30 years. What have I done?
What have you done?
Are you happy?
At 'Happy's' fullest potential?
Satisfied?
Is life as YOU know it where YOU want it to be?



Funny that I'm asking such questions.
 Lately I have come to see with utmost clarity how f#cked up my world around me is.

 And how shattered people in my world are.

Definitely some NOT by choice,
But some for certain have chosen their path.

Yes I am honest, and to the point and maybe a bit too much at times. But reality is what I see and hear.

You see I have created "Holly's world"...a place all my own.
I will invite you in if you would care to join.
 But its a positive place.
No room for chaos and negativity.
Too much of that elsewhere.
 I choose this crazy bus as my means for transportation. If I ride alone, no biggie, I know the way.
 So many of us are searching for something.
"Happiness"
no definition.
Just to be happy.
Each persons happiness cannot be defined by another.
It is uniquely owned and uniquely displayed.
Fear, sadness, anxiety seem to consume so many.


Lord knows I do not have the answers.

I spend most of my days under the "I don't want to think about it" cloak.

An amazing cloak of many colors, fabrics, textures and patterns.
You may say I wear many different hats.
I suppose trying them all on to see exactly what fits best.

My day was gut wrenching as I spoke with Natie's school and was reminded of his obvious gap between his cognitive ability and his peers.

Then to top it off a lovely visit with my mom turned into her telling me how she wants to be buried.

Yes- for most of this day I was trying to take a breath.
Merely to not turn blue.
Close to cold and broken, plus the lack of oxygen, I was fighting back tears.
And fighting back what tomorrow will bring.

So here I go on another reunion.
Another chance to walk in the door and enter the room.

Did my last 30 years count.
Will they be remembered.
Can't have a do over...can I?

I am amazed by some friends God given beauty.

Stunning, chiseled faces. Sculpted bodies and adornments fit for royalty.
I often remind my children that they were blessed with some of their  'qualities' right out of the gate.
Meaning,
my son Nathaniel was not granted the ability to memorize the constitution, or given straight teeth.  The bridge of his nose is not structured, that he has to try harder at EVERYTHING.
Just to be EQUAL.

That people will judge him at first sight.

That he struggles with diction,
that his low muscle tone will not allow him to play contact sports.
That math is merely impossible to master.
Nate has no idea about space and time. No idea about tomorrow or 30 years for that matter.
Alas,
Nate is a God send.
A true gift.

But out of the gate he struggles.
He may have a smile brightly plastered across his dirty little face but he struggles.
And so do I.

But the difference is....
The LESSON I have learned.
The nut I choose to swallow is profound.
Simple.
Yet life changing.

I was given choices right out of the gate.
I was given the choice to write my very own screen play.
Act it out anyway I want to.

I have choices, every single day at any given moment.

I have the choice to be happy.
To fill each new gifted day with anything I want it to look like.

Happy or sad, miserable or blessed its my choice how I see it.

 So many don't have that luxury.

Maybe we need to be reminded.

Simply to be reminded.



Kissing the last 30 years good bye and welcoming the next 30 with open eyes, an open heart, open judgement and an open amount of love to fill and to be filled.

Not looking back, but staring straight ahead.
Knowing that I have the choice.
Every day.
30 years older.
Yep. (shush)

But 30 amazing years smarter, brighter, kinder, gentler and welcoming.

OK, so truth be told, I hate walking into the door....
But this year I have a body guard, one that will walk with me into the doors and straight  back to my past.
I'll be cloaked in the new me.

Cannot wait to meet the new you.
Sure hope your 30 year journey was as enlightening as mine.
(ooops, I failed to mention in the last 30 years I have raised 5 amazing children. At least I think I have done a pretty good job....hahahah. Began my own foundation to change the way others see our outstanding children that are special.  I have cut lots of hair and designed a bunch of handbags. But most of all I have LOVED. Cuz at the end of the day, that is truly all that matters.)

I shall  kiss goodbye the past 30 years good bye and promise myself an even brighter 30 more.

www.iam-whoiam.com
and please visit our Facebook fan page : I am who I am 

Glitter on the Side: I got hit on......

Glitter on the Side: I got hit on......: Is it wrong to be so excited that I was hit on today in the Walgreen's parking lot? When I carried that beam of a smile all the way thr...

I got hit on......

Is it wrong to be so excited that I was hit on today in the Walgreen's parking lot?
When I carried that beam of a smile all the way through to the pharmacy I felt compelled to tell my friend, Leo, the pharmacist my story.
He thought I meant I 'hit a car' in the parking lot, which had me in complete stitches.

So, maybe the dapper dude in the convertible was feeling uber lucky.
 I'm sorry that I had to be his negative.
 He had me roll down my window to listen,
 He began to tell me that WE almost had an accident.
 I looked puzzled, and he continued to say with a huge grin that he was thinking about hitting my car just so he could obtain my phone number.
NICE!


 Well played!!!!
I must have had quite the grin on myself as he then said "Is that too much to ask?"
hahahhahahhahhahha
Could you ask again? 
Maybe even write it down.
Damn that feels good.
Sorry dapper dude, the answer is no.
But you sure got this tired mother of 5 to skip a little faster into the store:)

I've been struggling through a pretty shitty month.
 I think the stars are just not lining up quite right.
I have no real reason for the funk.
Just am.
Funny thing, so are my friends as well.
A yucky mustard yellow funk that has washed all over us.

School starting.
Saying good-bye to 2 of my college bound best friends.
Growing up, me and them.

Luckily, I have this friend.
Gia.
Absolutely beautiful, stunning, incredibly deep and undeniably kind.
Gia.

She has quickly melted right into my life as a sister.
A gem of a friend that I am beyond blessed to have met.
We clicked almost instantly....
 I love everything about her...
Except for one little thing.

I am the best at hiding things.
Hiding my feelings,

Emotions.
I bury it all.
I am probably the greatest Scarlett O'Hara around.
"I will worry about it tomorrow!"

But she won't let me.
She talks about it,
dissects it,
then Marinates it.

Seriously...

She has gotten me thinking more than my little brain can handle at times. So much so that sometimes I get a dang headache....


She has made me look at the entire picture.
The frame, the hook, the oils and the brush strokes.
I see it all.
Even if I don't want too.

We do what we can with what we have.
We do the best we know how.
We give as much as we feel, right?
We accept it all back in return.
The love part for sure.

To love and be loved.
To be appreciated and accepted,
To not accept less.
 To learn from past mistakes,
To understand that we all don't think alike,
Love alike or care alike.

But what we require is what we must have,
No settling on this stuff.

My High School reunion is right around the corner.
UGH, seriously.
Same emotions as the last time,
Same fears, worries and memories.

But why?
 I'm not her.
I'm the me of today.
A newer, remolded kind.

I have recently connected with a gal from back then.
Her name is Michelle.
We connected on the 'missing our kids at college page.'
She asked me for advice I lied and pretended I knew what I was talking about.

We chatted briefly about our upcoming reunion and I confessed my angst.
"I'm not going....will you meet me at the door??"
She said "Holly you have to go, everyone loved you, they will love you now."

Nah- no one loved me, no one knew what love was.
Besides, Holly circa 1980 was a disco queen.
A break the rules kinda punker.....
no clue who I was or where the hell I would land.

Never thought it would be here, that's for certain.

So- I suppose I hope we all forget the past and walk in with a clean slate.

I don't want to be remembered for  my 8 inch high hair, or my nail talons.
Or the fact that at 18, I was at every disco on North avenue and only dated Italians.
I want to forget that I was scared to death for lunch period, cuz I had no idea who I would be sitting with.

I want to forget that I judged hundreds of kids.
That I should have been nicer,
or kinder or more loving.
I was a good kid-
just an average kid.

But today I am AMAZING.
Not because I only wear Izod's and Tretorn gym shoes.
Its not because I dated a senior when I was a freshman:)
Its not because I had the biggest parties in all of the town.
Or that I had the star football player as my bouncer.

I don't want her to go.
She is not welcomed at the reunion.
I hope none of her peers are there as well.

I want to walk in as me.
The Holly that took blood, sweat and tears to perfect. Actually a work in progress.
But a better version for certain.

I cannot wait to meet some new friends.
Even though we may have passed the halls or sat together in math, they will be new.

I can tell through  Facebook that my new friend is struggling. Not sure of what, but struggling through something.
I'm here to help her and remind her that we have a choice.
Every day.

That's why I feel amazing.
I have been taught to pay close attention.
When others seek my advise, I am grateful.
I must be doing something right.

 I want my friends to see as crystal clear as I do,
That right now at this very moment you can!
You will,
JUST BELIEVE.


To smile or to frown.
To say hello or to look away.
To accept someone or to walk .
To kiss or to turn a cheek.
To never let a day go by without loudly telling those that you LOVE them.

To LOVE yourself first.
To truly see yourself through others eyes.
To accept your imperfections.
To learn from it all and to grow.

Tomorrow is a new day.
A great opportunity for something new and spectacular.

I have learned to not ignore any more.
 To listen better and to never let someone walk away not knowing how I felt.
To speak the truth and to accept that as well.

My sister Gia reminds me daily, that what you put out in the universe comes back.
You want or need kindness, put it out there.
You need love, give it tenfold.

 You miss someone?
 Miss them.
ITS REAL.

If it matters to you.
THEN IT MATTERS.

YOU MUST GIVE TO GET.

I wish I thanked the man in the cool convertible today for making me feel 22 again.
All it took was a smile, a compliment and a shot in the dark that I would give him my number-

I must have been wearing my "I need kindness today" shirt.

And once again it worked.

So today I am beyond grateful for Gia and Michelle.
Gia for giving me her wisdom and for Michelle for accepting the words from me.
For listening and caring and for loving unconditionally.

I may still be nervous about walking through the reunion doors. But I know when my coat comes off I will be greeted by 1000 fellow students....

Lord I just pray they all wear name tags.

for my children.....

Its amazing how far back the memory can go. Yet, I often cannot remember what I walked into a room for, or what I had last night for dinner.
But certain thoughts and times can be vividly kept to memory.

I wrote a blog the other day about 2 of my kids and their camp counselor summer positions. It included wisdom from my middle son Luke. Luke mentioned he read it today, but also mentioned that it was the only time in my blog history he was written about.
OK, seriously I doubt he had any facts at all....but crap...that is possible.
I began my blog writing to release my emotions from Nathaniel's birth...
It was a simple release, never thinking anyone would read...Let alone be inspired by little old me and my jumbled thoughts and occasional 4 letter words.

If you are not a writer- I encourage you to do so. It truly frees your soul. In time it will become therapeutic, drug like. Feeling as though the vino is down to the last drop, it will warm your cockles and bring on endless pride.

Releasing words, feelings, thoughts and wishes.

I am beyond humbled by the comments I receive. Wisdom, inspiration and happiness from my frantic typing seems hilarious as I often forget that I truly am a full grown woman that has been down many a roads and learned many a lesson.

I am reminded by my children that I am neither holy or perfect. I am neither a saint or a sinner. I am truly just a work in progress doing the best that I can at any given moment.

But after Luke mentioned that he was never the topic of my thoughts and words it bothered me.

 Little does he know that every breath I take, every move I make...(eerily into a song) I am thinking about him. I think about his day, his happiness, his fears, his hopes, his loves, his heartbreak, his desires, wants and wishes.
 I pray that he is safe and sound and taken care of when out of my reach.
I am reminded that he looks exactly like me when I focus on his deep set dimples and green wanderlust eyes.
I am reminded of him at 2 years old as he pulled down the Christmas stocking on Lindseys birthday causing an iron holder to drop onto his cherub face casting a 1/2 scar full of frightening stitches. Yes, I see the beauty in that scar and am reminded that even if I am close by I cannot always be 'there'.

That I must believe steadfast that I taught him well and he will at least remember half of my lessons.

Little does he know that 20 years ago as I blossomed into a 250 lb monster of pregnancy, I asked God to only grant me daughters. As I had never had a brother I was clueless on raising a son.
Little does he know how I fretted about baseball, and toy cars.

Almost 20 years later, after God decided to not listen to me,  I am surrounded by more testosterone than I could ever imagine.

How did I get so lucky?

Pee at the base of every toilet in the house..
Toilet paper a foot away but never put directly onto the roll.
Cookies gone with the package still in place and intact.
Gallons of milk, loaves of bread and pints of peanut butter gone before I get home from the market.

Little does he know I worry about his loves. As I pray he does not get hurt, or hurt anyone else for that matter.
I have preached about opening doors, and entering last. Buying flowers for no reason, a firm handshake and eye contact at all times.
I have taught him how to do the laundry and load the dishwasher.
I have demanded respect even when he could spit fire in anger.

I pray he stays safe through the bar years, and keeps his head straight when tough decisions enter his world.
To say no.
To accept all others.
To give more that he receives.
To always remember to kiss me good night and to say please and thank you.
I may not have written this all down but surely he must know.

Maybe as parents we assume too much and focus too little. How many games have you watched yet talked to your friend while your son hit the bases loaded home run?
Maybe its just that simple.
Pay attention to what you have when you have it.

People come, and people go.
Friends love and leave...

Family is truly forever.
These are my seeds of life.
What will be left when I am gone.
The hopeful leaders of tomorrow and the one who will carry on my wishes and desires.
My children.

So, Lindsey, Nick, Luke, Ben and Nathaniel, this is about all of you.
Every little ounce of all of you.

I may not write it, but lord knows I think it every minute of every day.
I am proud,
I am humbled, I am frightened and I am happy.

I am hopeful and I am learning,
I am your mom.

For the rest of every breath I take you are my entire life.
So please copy and paste this into your memory. Sorry Luke for being so late...
Lets just assume you already knew.

A brothers love....

Natie was merely a week old when the quotes started flying in.

The hallmark written words that usually stung my ears and brought painful tears that streamed down my face.
They all meant well.
They didn't know what to say...

Many words have etched there way into my brain, never to erase.

Some have stayed to help me in my journey others have stayed to haunt me...

But they are merely words, words that can cut deep like a knife through a cold pound of butter.

"God only gives you what you can handle"..."God chooses only the special parents"...."Your children will learn so much and become such amazing kids"...

I remember clearly my reply to the last..
"My kids are already amazing, we didn't need a lesson, we just wanted a baby"...

But it lingered in my head, for ALMOST 11 YEARS NOW....
"DO NOT BURDEN YOUR CHILDREN"...

Seriously, could people all take my simple message and merely say Congratulations, leave the gifts at the door and move on? 

Many years ago as all the kids were in the car, I asked them a simple question.
"If something happened to your dad and I, what would you do with Nate?"

  Funny but my middle man raised his hand first."I don't wanna  take care of him, I don't wanna take care of him now, why would I when he is older."

...Laughs surrounded my fear as I soaked in the obvious reality....
I was told to never ask that question. But Holly doesn't listen, ever...
The shock in the small white minivan quickly faded as my oldest and only daughter grabbed my heartstrings.
 "I will take care of him, duh"......

Fast forward,
 My memories can fill Soldier Field with the love, lessons and emotions that Nate has gifted to us...

This summer 2 of my children received jobs with the Chicago park district to work in our special needs camps.
Luke (My middle man) works close by and is able to hang with many of Natie's friends.

 Linsdey was placed farther away from home and with much older kids, (14-21) all the kids in her group have severe autism.
  Just because you have a brother with Down Syndrome certainly does not teach you how to work with kids with other special needs. She went in cold, somewhat frightened but her chin held high...

First day was a nightmare.
 A young man, with no communication skills, twice Lindsey's size and weight, got away from her.
Yep, walked into a strangers house, put his feet up on their coach and was not planning on moving any time soon.

Then the day at the zoo when a girl whacked the crap out of Lindsey during her melt down, and the following day 2 huge lumps in Lindsey's face....cold cocked and learning fast that this is not something many others could or would handle.

Yep, she came home every day, bruised with tears falling from her exhausted brow...

But to my surprise.
To my utmost pride, she went back, day after day.

I would listen to her frustration and her realistic fears. I would wait for her to say "I quit".
 I was ready.
But she didn't, she just got stronger.
I would tell her how lucky the kids were to have her there.
 If she were to leave, who would these kids have....???
Think about it, who would sign up for this knowing you would be walking into a boxing ring with your hands tied behind your back?

Damn I am proud of her,
Actually proud beyond measure...

In the past month I have seen my camp counselors talk to their brother differently. A bit more authoritative. Taking no back talk and teaching life lessons along the way.

Last night, on the rare occasion that we all could spend time together all 7 of us...Luke told me about this new scientific finding.
Doctors have pinpointed the exact 'mutation' in the Down Syndrome gene and can completely delete it in utero, taking away all traces of DS.

 I have read about this..talked about this and mostly I truly have no idea what this is all about. For some reason it turns my stomach...for reasons too personal to add.

I asked Luke what he thought.

Immediately he said it should be up to each parent.
Agreed.
"But don't you think majority of peeps would delete the 'abnormality' if given the choice?"
"Not if they have met Nate they wouldn't.".
WOW-
Ok.

"Nate is not gonna have an easy life, we don't have an easy life..."
"So, he is worth it...."
Ok....

"Nate's future is gonna be a difficult road..."

Luke stops me short, gives me the 16 year old look of disgust and says, "Mom if people were to meet Nate they wouldn't change a thing. His life will be fine, and so will ours. God mom, its Nate he's just fine the way he is."

Lord have mercy you got me there son.

No rose colored glasses in site.
Just our reality.
They heard me, they really heard. me.

Hitler wanted a blue eyed blonde arion nation...

I want a nation filled with differences, technicolor oddities, imperfections.
 Down Syndrome, red heads, brown eyed wonders.

No soap box here for me, just my reality.

Real talk-
 I am scared to death about Nate's future, and quite frankly mine.
I will never lie about that.
If given the time to think about all things, I would crack.
Probably unwind from the beginning and unravel spiraling into a psychedelic mess.
Hah- I don't think staying tuned off of reality is the answer, I just chose to not wallow in things out of my control.

I am also scared to death to let my 18 year old son go off to college next month.

So that's the best I can do.
Teach and educate the best I can.

I can raise a basketball team full of kids and show them that being different is a gift.

To be loud enough to cause a ruckus and have people take notice.

If Lindsey wasn't there to guide these kids, would you be there?

It takes a village my friends, it takes a nation.

Get off of your lazy boy and turn off the Kardashions,
Help us.
Help to guide our kids,
Lend a hand,
open a door.
Work at making this place a better, gentler place for all of us to live.
Live together as one....
Do not change me for who I am, but merely accept me for who I am......
 

If I was offered the chance to change anything about Nate I would probably ask for his stubborn back talking, foul mouthed behavior to soften.
But to change that Simeon crease, his slanted eyes, the short bridge of his nose, his short and stubby hands, his hi palette and his low muscle tone, I wouldn't.
It would then erase his ability to turn  a stranger into a friend, a kiss that melts your heart, a hug that fits right into your soul and the bluest eyes that hold all of life's joys and possibilities inside.


One smile, one hand, one lesson at a time.

I am who I am.
Yep~ I certainly am.