Spread The Word To End The Word #IAmWhoIAm

Cancer still sucks.

Gia showed up on day of surgery- had me LOL.

It will be a year in June when the phone call came.

A whirlwind of awfulness came upon me with that one call.

I try to look back and digest all that I have been through, how far I have come.
But I cannot.
My brain literally freezes and there is no memory.
Maybe a few slide show single second shots but those are immediately erased from my mind.
My mind races.
I fear I am psychotic.

There are times I can hardly bare the thought of nighttime.
Closing my eyes brings in the technicolor whirlwind of a year in hell passing right in front of me.

I know I HAD Breast Cancer.

 My scars are quite evident.
Why do I feel as though it was an out of body experience?
 I am not certain.
Denial?
Probably.

Damn I am good at that.


It scares me at times, I feel like I am in an old black and white.
A frightening, dark, often at the edge of your seat war movie of sadness, suffering and great pain.
Truly,
As if I have been to battle.

Ugh drains are awful...

Chemo is NOT for the timid...

Witnessed awful sights, endured great pain, and feeling the guilt of walking past the ones who were not able to make it on their "journey".

(This is no Fucking journey. That sounds like a vacation...THIS is hell. No need to mince words)

Maybe you will never understand.
Maybe I wont either.

My final day of radiation came.
Walking past 2 new friends in the waiting room. Both with greater odds against them than me.
Tears flew down my cheeks like acid rain. Not because I had won.

But because others will not.

I was sickened.
I felt such sadness, my knees began to buckle.
But I knew I couldn't stay.

The BOSS.

I couldn't save them all.

Its a hellish nightmare.
Probably good that I am able to bury.
I do fear the day it comes back.

Will I be able to see the past?

Bare the memories?

Will my mind stir in the mental game that plays out every night as I try to lie to sleep?
The what ifs,
The unknowns.
The fear of something happening to my children.
Dear God, this hell never stops.
I just pretend better than anyone that it was all just a bleep.
A moment in time.
When actually it will haunt me forever.

I have been waiting to receive my ah-ha moment.

I wait for it every day.

Will it be a knock at the door?

To eat healthier, to work out regularly?
Not happening.
Same fat, non moving Holly here.

Just had ice cream for dinner

Cancer gave me a louder voice.
One that talks no bullshit.
Takes none either.

Most days I get it.
The point.

That I get the chance to teach, to soar, to speak.
I get that I can make a difference.
Every new day gives me the fresh blank canvas to start my new oil painting.
I can literally paint any damn thing I want too.
Imagine that.
ANYTHING I CHOOSE.
Wow.
Do you get that?
You get to choose?
Lipstick on?
Game face..
Ready to rumble....

Surgery, losing your boobies.
Drains, so disgusting and painful.
Chemo an evil almost to vile to bring up.
Tried to kill me as my body begged for mercy.
Shriveled up in agony, wondering if death was a better choice.
Radiation,
3rd degree burns and the deepest shooting pain that my lip gloss could not cover.



Everyone asks me if now I am cured?
Cured from what?
My mind is a fricken battle ground.
I am afraid to answer.
The little demon of cancer sits quietly on top of my shoulder, reminding me daily that it is merely a phone call a way.

Where is that damn wake up call?

The one that negates sugar from my diet?
The one that first thing Monday morning has you  joining a boot camp?
Dammit I am totally pissed.

Cancer SUCKS.

I hope no one sees it on me.
Its not something I have ever wanted to wear.
But the scars remain.
On my body and in my mind...
 
I had ice cream for dinner.

My friendships deepened.
I cleaned house.
I let go of some shit and held tight to others.
I realized that the dirty clothes will still be there in the morning.
That my kids are only as good as today.
That I am who I am with no apologies.
To simply say NO.
To walk away when necessary.
To run back if need be.
I learned that kindness is absolutely underrated.

That angels truly do walk among us.

I just had breakfast with my darling BFF Gia.
I told her all about my personal disgust.
She like many others know the crazy mindset of Hollys-world.
But perspective is what she's good at and it came out crystal clear.

I learned that asking for help is OK.
That some people are stupid.
I learned that I can be too.
I learned that when you need someone they might not be there.
But if you look around someone else just might be.

I learned to shoot from the hip and take no prisoners.
You're a victim?
Make a change, start a new.
I talk a good talk.
But damn where is my wake up call.

Too bad, no time for a pity party here.

I learned that most waste their youth.
I learned that health is truly the only thing that matters.
I love deeper and am present when I hug.

I don't care about the nonsense.
I care about the NOW.

I just had ice cream for dinner.

I learned that you may become a member to a club that you want no part of.

That you truly can withstand more pain than you ever thought possible.
That family, the ones inside your 4 walls are who count.
The rest is just plain not your business.
I have learned to give more.
Really give.
Give it all even when you think you have nothing.
It just feels good.

I have learned that being your authentic self means to be YOU.
Friends will gather around you...
Strangers will open their hearts.
Your door will ring and notes will come that literally give you life.
Words are spoken and generosity takes on a new meaning.
Goodness gets you through.

I learned that we all pray, maybe just to different Gods.
But beliefs are real and so is the sunrise.

Yes I have learned to be frightened beyond belief.
To weather pain that I thought would end me.
To clench my teeth in hopes it would all just go away.
To black out my mind to the unknowns and what ifs.

I learned that its ALL about the CHOICE.

To show up.
With lip stick on, a bottle of spray tan and a cute pair of shoes.
I learned to say hello and mean it.
I learned to make the best of a shitty situation.
To literally fake it till you make it.
That its OK to be scared just don't bring that to the table.
To protect as best as you can with all that you have.

What if my ah-ha moment never comes?
What if it already did and I missed it?

Holy shit..
what if I remain the same size?
Eating crappy food and sitting on the sofa?
What If.....

I am who I am

I had ice cream for dinner.

Dear Cancer

Tomorrow will be my last (HOPEFULLY) day of chemo!!!!!!!!

(BELLS, Chimes, Whistles, High fives, band music, trumpets...choir_)

I cannot even begin to explain how much I hate cancer.

I loathe you cancer.
I'm not even ashamed to admit how you've hurt me.

You were thrown into my life early,
as I was unfortunate enough to watch my father crumble in front of my young eyes by your destruction.
You took a statuesque man and brought him to his knees.
I watched his gigantic life wither away into nothing.
Death.
YOU killed him.
Nothing worse than watching, with nothing to grab onto, no life vest to save him.
Drowning-
Both of us.

I kept the ugliness of cancer buried deep down inside of me as it was just too painful to resurrect.
I miss my father so damn much.
Cancer you killed him.
For that I will never forgive or forget.

I didn't welcome you into my life.
You took me by surprise.
Actually you took my breath away.
 You bitch.
Thinking you can just walk right in and destroy me.
You certainly tried.
You had no idea who I was or what I was made of.
You sat quietly inside my breast until I caught a glimpse of you.
Tricky.

Like a snake.
Funny thing you didn't realize about me..
I'm not going anywhere.
No joke and no deal to be made.
You have pissed me off.
Disgusted me.
I am done.
You're done.
You are gone from my magnificent life.

Chemo which is designed to cure you of this ugly will also try to break you.
Chemo I despise you too. 

Yes you can be a friend if you heal.
 But you're an evil poison and definitely not meant for the timid.
You knocked me on my ass a few times.
You sure did.
Crying myself to sleep, shit crying all day.

Days, into weeks into months.

Holly style trudged through.
Painted on my lipstick and lived. (at least putting on a good show!)

Hardest thing I have ever done.
WAS TO LIVE.
While you wanted to kill me.

You will not win.
YOU were not invited.

Cancer you are twisted, mean and sneaky.

 You are hated more than anything I can imagine.
You cannot just come into someones life and turn it upside down, without a lesson learned.

You almost broke me.
Yes, I said almost broke me.

My friends would not allow you to do that to me.
My family never wavered.
You were just not welcomed into my soul.

I finally got to see the light .....
Chemo almost behind me.
Radiation awaits and I hear that's a breeze.

There is no wrapping paper, ribbons or bows for this.
Breast cancer, cancer of any kind is the scariest 6 letter word I have heard.

I wonder how long it takes to forget you.

The surgery, the scars, the pain, the drains, fears, phone calls, doctor visits, insurance, more appointments, sickness, more pain, fear, and more fear...
 Sleepless nights, moments of shear terror.

Where do you put that?
Where does that go?

I hate you so damn much. 

I hate what happens to me when I bring you to mind.

The fears I buried...The tears that swelled my eyes, the unknowns and the hurdles to jump through.

Damn I really miss my hair.
Silly in the scheme of things?
Yes- but I really miss my hair.
Its a part of me.
I hate wigs and hats and scarves.
I hate you cancer and I hate what you taught me.

You made me look death right in the eyes. 
I did not want to do that.
Then you made me look into the eyes of my kids and wonder what would happen if I was gone...

Who in the hell do you think you are? 

You are the worst of all evil and my hate is real.
But I cannot hang onto that forever.
Actually I cannot hang onto it at all.




I'm forgiving you.
I have too.
Cancer my dear, you can take your shit straight back to hell, and on your way let the demons know who they tried to mess with.

I preach that we all have choices.
Damn now its my turn to listen and learn.
I will take my hate and turn it into compassion.
I will take my fears and wrap LIFE and living around it.
I will carry the lessons that family and friends bestowed upon me daily and pass the goodness forward.
I will not take a single breath for granted.
I promise to share my good fortune with everyone.
I will continue to advocate for the ones that need a voice.
I will at the very least take the love and pride you all gifted upon me.

Cancer I hate you.

But hate will destroy me.
I will not allow that.

I want to live.
Big and bold and raw.
Holly Style.

Don't you dare come back as I will kick your ass again.
And by the way don't try messing with any of my family or friends.
I have your number now and I am ready and strong enough to destroy you.
 Game on bitch.
I'm winning.

Happy Thanksgiving short and sweet:)

Happy Thanksgiving world.

We all have our own ways, traditions and memories of this special day.
The smell of the turkey in the oven, the ever so tightening waistband, the kids all home and sleeping on the couch.
Its a day of reflection and hope for a better tomorrow.
We are to stop.
Sit, eat, rejoice and be thankful.
What are you thankful for?

My thanks have changed over the past several months. I am still and always will be thankful for what is before me.
My children.
My husband.
My  mom.
My friends...extended family..
The obvious wealth of  love.

But my list has grown.
I am more thankful for moments.
Moments when I truly feel alive.
Every breath.
Kiss.
Hug.
Laughter and tears.
I am more thankful for little blessings.
Merely feeling OK when your feet hit the floor.
Simple.
Yet so profound.
Life.
Living and happiness.

I am thankful that today I feel a little better than yesterday.
I am thankful that I have the  choice to take my weaknesses and to build them stronger.
I am grateful for yet another day here.
Imagine.

With all of the tangible, loving and beautiful pieces of my life.
I am thankful.

The Jews have a saying.
One that I have referred to many times in my life.

What has changed, this night, from all the other nights?

Mah nishtanah, ha-laylah ha-zeh, mi-kol ha-leylot

מַה נִּשְׁתַּנָּה, הַלַּיְלָה הַזֶּה מִכָּל הַלֵּילוֹת

The meaning is vast.
But to me quite simple.
"Why should today be any different than any other day?"

Think about it.
Why today?
Shouldn't we be this thankful every day?
Shouldn't we be grateful everyday?
Keep that skip in your step, make a new casserole, eat a piece of pie and ask a relative a question?

SERIOUSLY.
EVERY DAY.

Short and sweet blog today.
Mah Nishtanah.

Make everyday a day to be thankful for.

Simple thanks.
With POWERFUL intentions.

I thank you all for your love and support.
I thank you all for your understanding and acceptance.
I am thankful.
Today and every day.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I am....do this for yourself!

I want you all to do me a favor.
Actually do this for yourself!

Get out a piece of paper,
a pen and go to a quiet space.
Write down "I am" on the top of the paper.
Think.
Think about who you are.

Go wild with your thoughts.
Collect them and write.
Do not care about spelling or justifying.
Just purge.

Write it down honestly.
Do not think.
Free your mind of justifications.
Just write.
Write down the words that define YOU.

Start with your name. That is who you are, right?
 I am,
Holly.

Flow with straight from the hip words, sentences, poetry- anything.
Just write.
Write for today and yesterday and tomorrow.
Write for who you are going to be in 20 years.

I am,

Holly

A mom, a daughter a sister and a friend.
I am tall, bold, scared. amazed, glittery, tired, amazing, learning, beautiful, talkative, kind, untamed, loyal, successful, warrior, loved, wild, confident.
Frightened, wounded, open, honest, confident, resilient, positive, hungry, expanding, open,
glittery, fashionable, bruised, refreshing, big, loud, inquisitive, expanding, saggy, exhausted, warrior, loyal, pissed, happy, interesting, interested, powerful .. Exaggerated, silly, creative, fierce, talented, artistic, illiterate, funny, bright and blessed.

My list continues with each new day.
I can erase the few that I do not wish to be.
That is my choice.

Lord knows the Breast Cancer curve ball has added a few new words to my 'I am' list.

Keep the paper in sight.
Hang on your wall or keep by your computer.
Enjoy your morning coffee with the first sips of acceptance.
You are who YOU are.
YOU can change those words, the line up or erase them all together.
YOU can.
Mine is mine,
Hands off.

You may notice that my list is in turmoil.
Happy yet frightened.
We all have a myriad of emotions and feelings that define us.
Yet its up to US who we become with a new day.

Do you get it yet?

Its your choice the words that define you. The most important words in the world.
I am...
Make them important and jump off the page.
Any less would be a waste.

Re-write if you must but keep on filling the page with words that dance off the page....

I hope you get it...

I am who I am and I am HOLLY.
Yippeeeeeee.

Secrets

I have so many secrets.
Don't we all?
I'm pretty open, honest and a constant straight shooter.

Yet, I carry a boat load of secrets underneath my glittery existence.

I've come to believe its actually the secrets that keep us strong. 

WE spend a lifetime covering them up.
To protect others from seeing or feeling our pain.
The mask we wear so our parents dont feel our failures.
The makeup we adorn so our kids do not see our defeat.

 Bandages, tears, nightmares, alcohol, drugs, sleeping pills, hot fudge sundaes.
All covered by multi dimensional thick skinned scars.
Warrior wounds that keep us strong.

I believe in choice.
I believe you really can make the most of your choices.
 Truth is,
I'm scared.
Tired, lifeless and wounded.
But MY choice is which box to place that shit in.

Seems like MY boxes overflow quickly.
 I'm not complaining just reality.

So instead of carrying that burden on my very week shoulders, I toss the boxes away.
I don't store them to reopen later.

Whats the advantage of that??

We all have boxes. Some people have so  many boxes full of shit they are unable to see past the mound.
I'm here to say-
I've felt pain.
I have shed tears.
More than most can imagine.

I have loved and lost.
I have witnessed incredible sadness.
I have stood still when my body was in shock by the worlds cruelness.
I have heard words no child should hear.
I have been taken advantage of.
Bruised,
Cut and lied too.

I'm not any of that shit.

I am my new shit.

Holly.
I may sound mad, angry pissed off.
Maybe I am-
 I am allowed.

People have said to me "If you didn't have bad luck you wouldn't have any luck at all."
Do people really hear what they are saying?
Serious IDIOTS.

I'm here to hear you, you moron.

Looks like I have nothing but LUCK.

My shit hasn't killed me.
It ain't gonna kill me now.
So my choice is to see the luck in the BS.

Tossing the BS boxes into the Lake and carrying on with a HOLLYWEAR bag.

I have choices.
So do you.
Never forget that.
Its simple stuff.

Today I choose to smile and enjoy 2 cups of tea...

Strength truly comes from within my friends.

I have no magic pill.
 NO great words of amazing wisdom.
Just buck up and enjoy.

If you are here to read this it means you have been gifted another day.

Lets toss our boxes in the lake all at the same time.
Who needs them any longer.
If you choose to keep yours
be my guest to carry my load as well.

You're a crazy Mother F*cker if you don't learn this as quickly as possible...
Truth is we only have one life.

Live it.
Now.