Amazing isn't it that you can have a life changing AH-Hah moment at anytime anywhere, at any age.

The dream is intoxicating! 
The thought that your life has the possibility to change in an instant is almost too much to bear.

For the good or the bad it takes a mere second in time. I'm gonna focus on the good second. Not the shitty ass second where life can be gone, damaged, heartbroken, devastated. That crap is for the Eeyores of the world. I can't focus solely on the yuck.
The ones that I keep far away from my circle. (I think my life is more like a triangle anyway.)

Yep- the good second.

One of my many LOVES, Anthony Bourdain was recently spotted talking about his amazing life changing moment. You know I love him, and he loves me....

He was saying that in his 40's he was pretty low, unable to pay his rent, unable to keep a job, gas company calling, electricity being shut off. He was lost and 'broken' as I say.  (He failed to mention that he was a major drug addict, heroin and meth I believe...)
It took one step. OK, maybe for him it was a leap, but it was a forward motion. 
 He decided to submit a story to a local paper. He thought he was a loser, never to be heard.
Never.
Yep, a few days later the Editor called him, saying his writing was wonderful and powerful and they were going to put his story to print.

He feared sending this paper in for the longest time. Fear of rejection was all too consuming.
Yep, he sent in a story. It really was that simple.

He was sure no one would call.

But they did.
Yes, they did.

I hate getting knocked down. 
Who likes rejection?
To those that think I drink my tea out of china and shit rainbows...well you're wrong.
I drink my tea out of a mug....

So Anthony, although I like to call him Tony has given my girlfriend an AH- HAH moment. Today.
I think she has had a million but this one stuck.
Moral of this story?
At any single second of any given day you can do something to move a fricken mountain.
YOU can do this, anything actually.
One foot in front of the other.
Wanna be a writer?
Write.
Cant spell?
Me either.
Write.

Want to start a business.
Put the pen to the paper and make it be.

The other day a lovely nurse came into my room after my exam.
"Look at how old my hands look?!" I stupidly said.
"Omg they are not bad, your so cool, I wanna be hip like you when I grow up."

No I didn't kick her teeth in, I took the back handed compliment, shoved it into my purse and ran the hell out of there.

I've never wanted to BE someone else.
 Not at all, not even Ellen or Oprah. (OK, maybe Angelina when she was married to Brad...come on now....:)
They have their own set of problems. More than we realize I bet.
No one really wants to look inside my purse, do they?
Fave quote?
"We all have a chapter that we don't want read out loud."
Hell straight!
I don't wanna read it let alone re-live the bullshit.

Be me?
Go right ahead.

5 kids no stretch marks but I do have a momma gut that cannot be spanxed.
Bills...hahaha I live like I am rich, my poor hubby works overtime to fund my shoe addiction. (He knew this when he met me....complete authenticity..)

5 kids means 5 GIGANTIC set of problems.
Self absorbed, spoiled, pretentious, ignorant and bossy. Shit that's only one of them:)

Kidding
Not kidding.

I like who I have become.
From the shy, scared high school student to the fierce as fuck cancer survivor. 
Warrior? Sometimes. But that's just fine.
I am who I am.

 
I just heard Dr. Phil say that we are formed by the age of 7. Mentally who we will always be.
BULLSHIT again.
I form every friggen day above ground.

So can you.
A new site a new smell, a new friend. That's BUILDING!
I am who I am and I can get better and better if I can handle the challenge.

And dammit yes I can.

Ah- hah moment.

Not happy?
Move, you are not a tree.

Hate something?
Let it go, let them go....shut the door, no slam the damn door.

An open cleaned out doorway will allow something better to come in.
Gotta clean out the cobwebs from time to time.
So today I'm writing and recoloring my overly processed hair.

I get ah-hah moments on the daily.
Open yourself up to the possibilities.
I dont get why you're still sitting there.
watching the TV screen.

Do something, make it happen.
BE THE CHANGE!

So hallmark you say?
Too cliche?
Yep I am the quote queen but I can still run circles around Maury Povich.
Come on lets change the world.


What are you waiting for?

Real life.

 

Life sure isn’t easy, sometimes it can really kick your ass while others can safely slide through without even a scratch.
I really want to be one of those people.
I am completely covered in bruises and scratches from life, and quite frankly I'm done.


I have pondered why life has beaten me up so many times.
I don’t stay in that space long, I’m afraid what it could do to me. So I choose to forge forward even when I feel as though the wind has been knocked out of me.

I wrote a Facebook post the other day about being sexually molested when I was 16 years old.

I wrote it after I heard about the Matt Lauer story and how everyone was saying what a great guy he is.
Criminals and evil people come in all shapes and sizes. We all judge others but maybe we should start looking inside first.
I wrote my post to set it free and to educate others that there is no shame.
I kept that secret for 35 years. I decided to write about it in my book so I had to tell my husband and my children.
I was humiliated, I was scared and to see my daughters face was devastating. I was naive back then but it was not my fault. I was raped and I buried it so it could never hurt me again.

I suppose it’s true what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.
I took my post down almost immediately because everyone was saying they were sorry. It was 35 years ago and I am OK. I want other women to realize it’s OK to speak the truth.
I have lost the shame. 

I have lost the fear.
I have lost the embarrassment.
I am proud to be authentic as it is what shapes me as a woman.
Yes, I’ve thought about what I could’ve done and should’ve done.
I suppose the only justice would be that he has had a shitty life. I know his name. I remember his face.
So many women are afraid to speak the truth for fear of the repercussions. Maybe for fear that their reputation will be soiled.
I am here to say that I am a fierce warrior.
So are you, I believe that.

He was a criminal and I was a victim.
I do not choose to live my life as a victim any longer.
Wherever you are Jeff I hope you’re miserable because that is what you deserve.
I have also learned later in life to set free everything that binds you.

The truth for me is so healing. I was recently diagnosed with neuropathy.
I’ve spent many days bawling my eyes out.
I asked the doctor why me? Why does the shoe drop every fucking day?
Why do some go their entire life without a tear or pain and I am left with a bountiful?
He had no answers, he handed me the box of Kleenex as he knew the river was about to flow.

He reminded me that I had cancer. He reminded me that it could come back. He reminded me that sometimes people get shitty luck and I am just one of them.
I left and cried in my car. Never feeling more alone in my life.
I came home and cried to my husband. But then my kids walked in. I’m not shielding the truth from them, I’m just showing them what it’s like to get up and represent.
When my Feet hit the floor in the morning, I am walking on broken glass, the pain in my body 24/ 7 is possibly chemo induced. My doctor said the nerves have been damaged and they will never go back to normal.
I don’t want to live like this.
But what is my alternative?

With facing so many adversities my only choice is to live authentically and to preach my gospel.
My doctor even asked me how I go on?
Reminding me that even Doctors need answers.
I was proud to say that if I didn’t keep moving forward you would find me in the fetal position on my sofa.
My passion for children with special abilities and my immense love for my children keeps me searching for happiness.
I’m not Oprah or Maya Angelo, I am Holly Simon.
And despite the fact that I have chronic pain throughout my entire body which will never go away, I will continue to live a spectacular life. 

I always preach that we have choices.
Believe me they are difficult to make.
But I choose to do more for other people, as I have found the love that comes back is tenfold.

You see we all have our strengths and weaknesses.
I believe I was put on this earth To show others that we can make the best out of our shitty circumstance.
Like the beautiful lotus flower that rises so magnificently through the mud. She shines with radiant color as if a miracle has been created.
I am on to Chinese medicine as I am searching for hope. I am not searching for sorry's, I don’t do well with pity. I’m looking for love.
I am looking for honest and loyal friendships that will understand that being human we have choices to rise.
We need each other. This I believe with all of my heart.
Words can lift even the ugliest of times.

I often joke with my friends that if the "Public" knew the truth, meaning if your peers knew what your daily life was REALLY like, their jaw would drop.
SUPERMAN right here. Baggy sweats and huge bags under my eyes but TRUTH.
Lets do the math.
I have 5 kids.
Each with a completely different personality. Extremes actually.
All NEEDY.
All have me scared to death every damn day.
Not much time to think about the melanoma on my leg, or the fact that it takes a Micheal Jackson cocktail to get me to sleep.
Human.
That's what we are.

Some-days I find the tears cutting through my cheeks like acid rain. Depressed with the worlds problems falling on my shoulders.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Am I going bonkers?

Insane??

Nope just me.

The circle of life.

The highs and the lows.

You fall then you get back up.

 

Blood,

Tears, 

Fears,

Bills, 

Pains...
Oh my god.
I like milk chocolate and I laugh like a hyena when my kids get hurt.
I get happy with cotton socks and yes I bought 3 pairs from the Internet while sleepwalking for $60.00.
I am on TV,
magazines,
radio.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhah.
Sometimes people recognize me.
I got a free slab of ribs at a restaurant because the cook had just seen me on ABC.
That's some funny shit.




They think my life is awesome.
They think I have it all....
I can't write with a pen anymore.
My hands cramp up.
I have to get a brain scan soon because I am beginning to slur my words and forget where I parked my car.


My mom has dementia and she is sharper lately than I am.
Heaven help.


To laugh.
To giggle.
To see the wonders of the world.
To stop and talk to someone, learn about them. Hear their story...
It makes you feel worthy of the breath you take.


 

I say I love you more.
I may not always hear it back.
But that's OK.
I like to gift..
It is who I am.
Holly Simon.

A complete mad mess. A crazy obsessed shoe shopper with more jewelry that anyone can wear in a lifetime.
I wonder about the people I have yet to meet.
I wonder if they will think about me.

Remember me?
Will it be enough?

Did I do enough?

Did I love my children enough to where they can carry it deep withing their soul? 

For eternity?

God I hope so.

Do not be fooled by the smile.

Pay attention.

Read between the lines and extend your hands.

Your words.

Your heart..


I want to see something new.
Hopefully with each new dawn brings me a new sight, smell, touch and friend.
We need each other.
We need to rise even if we sometimes fall.

I am here to catch you, this I promise. My hands are full but there is always room for more.
Delight in this world with me.
Please.

Glitter on the Side: I am so damn tired.

Glitter on the Side: I am so damn tired.: For those of you that have read my book these new words may appear shocking. Or maybe not as you have come to realize like I had too that ...

I am so damn tired.

For those of you that have read my book these new words may appear shocking.

Or maybe not as you have come to realize like I had too that I am mere mortal. A damn human being.
Some-days I hate it.
I hate it all.
Every damn morsel of every second once my feet hit the floor to the minute I am able to ambien myself  to fall asleep and pray for a new day filled with endless possibilities.
But right now, clicking away I not only want to let the tears flow down my cheeks like acid rain but I need a hug.

I am so fucking tired of being tired.
I am sick and tired of being sad, and afraid, and truthfully panicked that all will not be safe under my watch.
I cannot take one more burden to sit on my shoulders as I shall fall and someday, truly someday, I may never get back up.

I am just tired.

My friend died.
A friend to many and I am pissed.
WHY can't the idiots die young?
The sick and twisted?
Why do we have to learn some great lesson? I'm tired of lessons and this is NOT GODS plan.
Seriously.

Our friend will be missed by so many. Memories are just not good enough. He has sons and a wife and a million family members and friends, and he was not done.
I want my dad to hug me and not let go. Like when I was a child. Heaven is just too far away right now.
I want to BELIEVE that it truly will get better.

But what about Nate?

What will he become? Where will he live? Why won't anyone call and invite him over?
Sick and twisted every damn day. It isn't getting better. People get ignored, made fun of, ridiculed for being themselves.











I want the negatives to be washed away into the abyss..
How can a gay man go into a nightclub to enjoy his life and be gunned down?
Why are people beaten daily for what they believe in?



How is evil living among us?
How come?
Are we allowing this?
Are we sitting back nestled into our lazy boy not demanding a better world?
Gay, white, black, straight, Jewish,....what the FUCK is going on?

Hot fudge sundae cannot cover this shit up.

Evil people,
Two faced friends,
Back stabbing,
gossip
No trust.
Hate crimes.
My head is spinning.

My friend died.

LIVE AND LET LIVE and enjoy who is HERE now.

Embrace but don't just say it.
Dammit do it.
BE something to someone not just for yourself.
Clean your inner circle and demand what is right.
Go forth with great gusto and move that mountain one stone at a time.

I want a hug.
I want to love without fear.
I want to trust and not be afraid.
I want to stick out my hand and be gently guided.
I want open hearts and open minds to line the streets of the world.

I was able to tell him that I loved him.
I touched his hair and said that I will do something big and bold in his memory.
My tears fell upon his cheek as I remembered those that no one said goodbye too.
Those who just want to live,
and to love and to belong.

Dammit.
I miss you.
I miss everyone that I haven't even met.
I want to love and be loved.
No regrets no unsaid words.

I lost my friend.
But he lives within me now. Its raw and its real and its recent as he sits on-top of my shoulder. Like my father and those that left too soon.

As I am a mere mortal and I need a hug.

Spread The Word To End The Word #IAmWhoIAm

Cancer still sucks.

Gia showed up on day of surgery- had me LOL.

It will be a year in June when the phone call came.

A whirlwind of awfulness came upon me with that one call.

I try to look back and digest all that I have been through, how far I have come.
But I cannot.
My brain literally freezes and there is no memory.
Maybe a few slide show single second shots but those are immediately erased from my mind.
My mind races.
I fear I am psychotic.

There are times I can hardly bare the thought of nighttime.
Closing my eyes brings in the technicolor whirlwind of a year in hell passing right in front of me.

I know I HAD Breast Cancer.

 My scars are quite evident.
Why do I feel as though it was an out of body experience?
 I am not certain.
Denial?
Probably.

Damn I am good at that.


It scares me at times, I feel like I am in an old black and white.
A frightening, dark, often at the edge of your seat war movie of sadness, suffering and great pain.
Truly,
As if I have been to battle.

Ugh drains are awful...

Chemo is NOT for the timid...

Witnessed awful sights, endured great pain, and feeling the guilt of walking past the ones who were not able to make it on their "journey".

(This is no Fucking journey. That sounds like a vacation...THIS is hell. No need to mince words)

Maybe you will never understand.
Maybe I wont either.

My final day of radiation came.
Walking past 2 new friends in the waiting room. Both with greater odds against them than me.
Tears flew down my cheeks like acid rain. Not because I had won.

But because others will not.

I was sickened.
I felt such sadness, my knees began to buckle.
But I knew I couldn't stay.

The BOSS.

I couldn't save them all.

Its a hellish nightmare.
Probably good that I am able to bury.
I do fear the day it comes back.

Will I be able to see the past?

Bare the memories?

Will my mind stir in the mental game that plays out every night as I try to lie to sleep?
The what ifs,
The unknowns.
The fear of something happening to my children.
Dear God, this hell never stops.
I just pretend better than anyone that it was all just a bleep.
A moment in time.
When actually it will haunt me forever.

I have been waiting to receive my ah-ha moment.

I wait for it every day.

Will it be a knock at the door?

To eat healthier, to work out regularly?
Not happening.
Same fat, non moving Holly here.

Just had ice cream for dinner

Cancer gave me a louder voice.
One that talks no bullshit.
Takes none either.

Most days I get it.
The point.

That I get the chance to teach, to soar, to speak.
I get that I can make a difference.
Every new day gives me the fresh blank canvas to start my new oil painting.
I can literally paint any damn thing I want too.
Imagine that.
ANYTHING I CHOOSE.
Wow.
Do you get that?
You get to choose?
Lipstick on?
Game face..
Ready to rumble....

Surgery, losing your boobies.
Drains, so disgusting and painful.
Chemo an evil almost to vile to bring up.
Tried to kill me as my body begged for mercy.
Shriveled up in agony, wondering if death was a better choice.
Radiation,
3rd degree burns and the deepest shooting pain that my lip gloss could not cover.



Everyone asks me if now I am cured?
Cured from what?
My mind is a fricken battle ground.
I am afraid to answer.
The little demon of cancer sits quietly on top of my shoulder, reminding me daily that it is merely a phone call a way.

Where is that damn wake up call?

The one that negates sugar from my diet?
The one that first thing Monday morning has you  joining a boot camp?
Dammit I am totally pissed.

Cancer SUCKS.

I hope no one sees it on me.
Its not something I have ever wanted to wear.
But the scars remain.
On my body and in my mind...
 
I had ice cream for dinner.

My friendships deepened.
I cleaned house.
I let go of some shit and held tight to others.
I realized that the dirty clothes will still be there in the morning.
That my kids are only as good as today.
That I am who I am with no apologies.
To simply say NO.
To walk away when necessary.
To run back if need be.
I learned that kindness is absolutely underrated.

That angels truly do walk among us.

I just had breakfast with my darling BFF Gia.
I told her all about my personal disgust.
She like many others know the crazy mindset of Hollys-world.
But perspective is what she's good at and it came out crystal clear.

I learned that asking for help is OK.
That some people are stupid.
I learned that I can be too.
I learned that when you need someone they might not be there.
But if you look around someone else just might be.

I learned to shoot from the hip and take no prisoners.
You're a victim?
Make a change, start a new.
I talk a good talk.
But damn where is my wake up call.

Too bad, no time for a pity party here.

I learned that most waste their youth.
I learned that health is truly the only thing that matters.
I love deeper and am present when I hug.

I don't care about the nonsense.
I care about the NOW.

I just had ice cream for dinner.

I learned that you may become a member to a club that you want no part of.

That you truly can withstand more pain than you ever thought possible.
That family, the ones inside your 4 walls are who count.
The rest is just plain not your business.
I have learned to give more.
Really give.
Give it all even when you think you have nothing.
It just feels good.

I have learned that being your authentic self means to be YOU.
Friends will gather around you...
Strangers will open their hearts.
Your door will ring and notes will come that literally give you life.
Words are spoken and generosity takes on a new meaning.
Goodness gets you through.

I learned that we all pray, maybe just to different Gods.
But beliefs are real and so is the sunrise.

Yes I have learned to be frightened beyond belief.
To weather pain that I thought would end me.
To clench my teeth in hopes it would all just go away.
To black out my mind to the unknowns and what ifs.

I learned that its ALL about the CHOICE.

To show up.
With lip stick on, a bottle of spray tan and a cute pair of shoes.
I learned to say hello and mean it.
I learned to make the best of a shitty situation.
To literally fake it till you make it.
That its OK to be scared just don't bring that to the table.
To protect as best as you can with all that you have.

What if my ah-ha moment never comes?
What if it already did and I missed it?

Holy shit..
what if I remain the same size?
Eating crappy food and sitting on the sofa?
What If.....

I am who I am

I had ice cream for dinner.

Dear Cancer

Tomorrow will be my last (HOPEFULLY) day of chemo!!!!!!!!

(BELLS, Chimes, Whistles, High fives, band music, trumpets...choir_)

I cannot even begin to explain how much I hate cancer.

I loathe you cancer.
I'm not even ashamed to admit how you've hurt me.

You were thrown into my life early,
as I was unfortunate enough to watch my father crumble in front of my young eyes by your destruction.
You took a statuesque man and brought him to his knees.
I watched his gigantic life wither away into nothing.
Death.
YOU killed him.
Nothing worse than watching, with nothing to grab onto, no life vest to save him.
Drowning-
Both of us.

I kept the ugliness of cancer buried deep down inside of me as it was just too painful to resurrect.
I miss my father so damn much.
Cancer you killed him.
For that I will never forgive or forget.

I didn't welcome you into my life.
You took me by surprise.
Actually you took my breath away.
 You bitch.
Thinking you can just walk right in and destroy me.
You certainly tried.
You had no idea who I was or what I was made of.
You sat quietly inside my breast until I caught a glimpse of you.
Tricky.

Like a snake.
Funny thing you didn't realize about me..
I'm not going anywhere.
No joke and no deal to be made.
You have pissed me off.
Disgusted me.
I am done.
You're done.
You are gone from my magnificent life.

Chemo which is designed to cure you of this ugly will also try to break you.
Chemo I despise you too. 

Yes you can be a friend if you heal.
 But you're an evil poison and definitely not meant for the timid.
You knocked me on my ass a few times.
You sure did.
Crying myself to sleep, shit crying all day.

Days, into weeks into months.

Holly style trudged through.
Painted on my lipstick and lived. (at least putting on a good show!)

Hardest thing I have ever done.
WAS TO LIVE.
While you wanted to kill me.

You will not win.
YOU were not invited.

Cancer you are twisted, mean and sneaky.

 You are hated more than anything I can imagine.
You cannot just come into someones life and turn it upside down, without a lesson learned.

You almost broke me.
Yes, I said almost broke me.

My friends would not allow you to do that to me.
My family never wavered.
You were just not welcomed into my soul.

I finally got to see the light .....
Chemo almost behind me.
Radiation awaits and I hear that's a breeze.

There is no wrapping paper, ribbons or bows for this.
Breast cancer, cancer of any kind is the scariest 6 letter word I have heard.

I wonder how long it takes to forget you.

The surgery, the scars, the pain, the drains, fears, phone calls, doctor visits, insurance, more appointments, sickness, more pain, fear, and more fear...
 Sleepless nights, moments of shear terror.

Where do you put that?
Where does that go?

I hate you so damn much. 

I hate what happens to me when I bring you to mind.

The fears I buried...The tears that swelled my eyes, the unknowns and the hurdles to jump through.

Damn I really miss my hair.
Silly in the scheme of things?
Yes- but I really miss my hair.
Its a part of me.
I hate wigs and hats and scarves.
I hate you cancer and I hate what you taught me.

You made me look death right in the eyes. 
I did not want to do that.
Then you made me look into the eyes of my kids and wonder what would happen if I was gone...

Who in the hell do you think you are? 

You are the worst of all evil and my hate is real.
But I cannot hang onto that forever.
Actually I cannot hang onto it at all.




I'm forgiving you.
I have too.
Cancer my dear, you can take your shit straight back to hell, and on your way let the demons know who they tried to mess with.

I preach that we all have choices.
Damn now its my turn to listen and learn.
I will take my hate and turn it into compassion.
I will take my fears and wrap LIFE and living around it.
I will carry the lessons that family and friends bestowed upon me daily and pass the goodness forward.
I will not take a single breath for granted.
I promise to share my good fortune with everyone.
I will continue to advocate for the ones that need a voice.
I will at the very least take the love and pride you all gifted upon me.

Cancer I hate you.

But hate will destroy me.
I will not allow that.

I want to live.
Big and bold and raw.
Holly Style.

Don't you dare come back as I will kick your ass again.
And by the way don't try messing with any of my family or friends.
I have your number now and I am ready and strong enough to destroy you.
 Game on bitch.
I'm winning.