for my children.....

Its amazing how far back the memory can go. Yet, I often cannot remember what I walked into a room for, or what I had last night for dinner.
But certain thoughts and times can be vividly kept to memory.

I wrote a blog the other day about 2 of my kids and their camp counselor summer positions. It included wisdom from my middle son Luke. Luke mentioned he read it today, but also mentioned that it was the only time in my blog history he was written about.
OK, seriously I doubt he had any facts at all....but crap...that is possible.
I began my blog writing to release my emotions from Nathaniel's birth...
It was a simple release, never thinking anyone would read...Let alone be inspired by little old me and my jumbled thoughts and occasional 4 letter words.

If you are not a writer- I encourage you to do so. It truly frees your soul. In time it will become therapeutic, drug like. Feeling as though the vino is down to the last drop, it will warm your cockles and bring on endless pride.

Releasing words, feelings, thoughts and wishes.

I am beyond humbled by the comments I receive. Wisdom, inspiration and happiness from my frantic typing seems hilarious as I often forget that I truly am a full grown woman that has been down many a roads and learned many a lesson.

I am reminded by my children that I am neither holy or perfect. I am neither a saint or a sinner. I am truly just a work in progress doing the best that I can at any given moment.

But after Luke mentioned that he was never the topic of my thoughts and words it bothered me.

 Little does he know that every breath I take, every move I make...(eerily into a song) I am thinking about him. I think about his day, his happiness, his fears, his hopes, his loves, his heartbreak, his desires, wants and wishes.
 I pray that he is safe and sound and taken care of when out of my reach.
I am reminded that he looks exactly like me when I focus on his deep set dimples and green wanderlust eyes.
I am reminded of him at 2 years old as he pulled down the Christmas stocking on Lindseys birthday causing an iron holder to drop onto his cherub face casting a 1/2 scar full of frightening stitches. Yes, I see the beauty in that scar and am reminded that even if I am close by I cannot always be 'there'.

That I must believe steadfast that I taught him well and he will at least remember half of my lessons.

Little does he know that 20 years ago as I blossomed into a 250 lb monster of pregnancy, I asked God to only grant me daughters. As I had never had a brother I was clueless on raising a son.
Little does he know how I fretted about baseball, and toy cars.

Almost 20 years later, after God decided to not listen to me,  I am surrounded by more testosterone than I could ever imagine.

How did I get so lucky?

Pee at the base of every toilet in the house..
Toilet paper a foot away but never put directly onto the roll.
Cookies gone with the package still in place and intact.
Gallons of milk, loaves of bread and pints of peanut butter gone before I get home from the market.

Little does he know I worry about his loves. As I pray he does not get hurt, or hurt anyone else for that matter.
I have preached about opening doors, and entering last. Buying flowers for no reason, a firm handshake and eye contact at all times.
I have taught him how to do the laundry and load the dishwasher.
I have demanded respect even when he could spit fire in anger.

I pray he stays safe through the bar years, and keeps his head straight when tough decisions enter his world.
To say no.
To accept all others.
To give more that he receives.
To always remember to kiss me good night and to say please and thank you.
I may not have written this all down but surely he must know.

Maybe as parents we assume too much and focus too little. How many games have you watched yet talked to your friend while your son hit the bases loaded home run?
Maybe its just that simple.
Pay attention to what you have when you have it.

People come, and people go.
Friends love and leave...

Family is truly forever.
These are my seeds of life.
What will be left when I am gone.
The hopeful leaders of tomorrow and the one who will carry on my wishes and desires.
My children.

So, Lindsey, Nick, Luke, Ben and Nathaniel, this is about all of you.
Every little ounce of all of you.

I may not write it, but lord knows I think it every minute of every day.
I am proud,
I am humbled, I am frightened and I am happy.

I am hopeful and I am learning,
I am your mom.

For the rest of every breath I take you are my entire life.
So please copy and paste this into your memory. Sorry Luke for being so late...
Lets just assume you already knew.